UNC Men’s College Basketball Preview (sent to me by Dan Kane)

Despite my best efforts, UNC will be playing basketball this season. I have done everything I can, scouring PackPride for the latest rumors and gossip and seeking out classes where students wrote papers instead of taking exams for their final grade, to link the AFAM scandal and football player plagiarism directly to Roy Williams but so far I have not been successful. I remain hopeful, however, and refuse to let the matter die.

Don’t worry, folks, I’m taking the UNC basketball ship down!

So, unfortunately, UNC will take the court in the first game of the season with Roy still at the helm and no academic suspensions caused by my investigations this summer. The pressure will be on Reggie Bullock, Leslie McDonald and Dexter Stickland to be strong leaders on a very young team with players that will be question marks (and I don’t just mean about their eligibility). James Michael McAdoo, who by virtue of his last name stinks to high heaven of cheating, will have to step up and deliver on the promise he showed while filling in for John Henson after he was injured in the tournament.

P.J. Hairston continues not to dazzle, so it won’t be so bad for him when the season is vacated after I uncover that one of the classes he took last year did not have a text book, which is just another example of UNC’s long history of academic fraud. Whoever heard of a class without a textbook?

UNC is expecting big things from Marcus Paige, who I’m sure was paid $200,000 by UNC to attend because of some designer clothing I think I’ve seen him wear, but I just can’t prove it yet. UNC fans are also excited about J.P. Tokoto, who is being compared to that cheater Vince Carter, but I doubt he’ll get much playing time because he’s from Wisconsin, which is Big 10 country, a conference that features known cheaters Ohio State. I’m sure there’s a connection somewhere that will lead to his suspension midway through the season.

Final predictions: 0-28 (season will be vacated)
Vacated ACC tournament runner-up
Vacated 2nd round of NCAA tournament appearance

Bandwagoning Baseball’s Finality

Has your favorite baseball team been eliminated from post-season play? Do you remain reluctant to dive headfirst into football 24/7? Are you willing to set aside your normal allegiance for the next month and a half and bandwagon a contender for the sake of shit-talking and a possible faux championship?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, or preferably to all three, then it’s time for you to hop on the shoulders of a more successful fanbase a la Carlos Mencia’s “comedy” routine (yes, I just Mencia’d a Mencia joke). EJSIC is here to rank the possible teams on a scale of 1 to 10; 10 being fully bandwagon-worthy, 1 meaning we’d rather root for Hitler.

Let’s start with the American League and work our way through the pennant chasers there before exploring the National League.

Note: the author of this post is anti-DH, but in the interest of fairness will attempt to reasonably grade the AL teams instead of giving all of them the 1 they so deserve.

American League

1. New York Yankees: THE EVIL EMPIRE! That should be enough for you to realize that only intolerable douches and fans of the Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers, and Duke Blue Devils (sorry, repetitive) “root” for these guys. Seriously, they’ve won more Fall Classics in baseball history than any other team. They also possess the deepest wallet, the NY superiority belief, and include Cleveland native LeBron James as a fan. Do NOT bandwagon under any circumstance. Score – 1

2. Boston Red Sox: The Sox are 2.5 games behind the Yankees for the East crown, but with a comfy 6.5 games up in the Wild Card they’re virtually in. This is the same franchise that defeated an eight-decade curse with two World Series titles since 2004. And when the core of that team aged too much, they went out and splashed Yankee-esque money this off-season. While I find them more root-worthy than their arch-rivals, there’s no need to really bandwagon them for their fans have been treated to championships in all four major sports this decade. Score – 2

Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

3. Detroit Tigers: Detroit has slowly put the AL Central away over the second half of the season. Aside from playing in a collapsing shit-hole of a city, what’s not to like? They have a chain-smoking manager who puffs during games, an ace pitcher who could seemingly throw a no-hitter each time out, and an alcoholic first baseman. Sounds like a recipe for bandwagon awesomeness to me. The only downside? They’re in the same league as the Yankees and Red Sox so a championship is unlikely to come this season. Regardless, you’ll have a good time. Score – 8

4. Texas Rangers: The defending AL Champs refueled after losing ace Cliff Lee to free agency, and yet they’re right here again. If you like offensive baseball, the Rangers are your team. They’ve crossed home 737 times this season, third best in baseball behind the Yankees and Sox. They also maintain a relatively unknown squad. Some guys (like Michael Young and Josh Hamilton) are known nationally, but many of their better players have yet to receive a lot of national pub (Ian Kinsler and Nelson Cruz). So if your choice is the Rangers, it would help to do some research and not unveil yourself as a bandwagoner within the first five minutes. Score – 7

5. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Really, these guys should get a one for having the worst name in baseball. Pick a damn city. I could also give them a one for the owner complaining after whiffing on free agent Carl Crawford this season despite the fact that the Angels have plenty of money themselves. You lost out to a better organization, STFU and get over it. However, the Angels assumed an underdog role this season winning ball games with great pitching. Their offensively challenged team has scored 586 runs to date, the worst of any AL challengers. They’re also 2.5 games back of the Rangers so they have some work to do. Score – 4 Continue reading

Obama Accidentally Says U.S. Killed Obama

In an embarrassing, but all to familiar gaffe, President Barack Obama accidentally misspoke when talking to 60 Minutes’ Steve Kroft Sunday night.


Oh snap! Did I just say what I think I said?

During the interview, which was recorded last Wednesday at the White House, the president slipped up in the same way that a number of news-persons have in the days that have followed the killing of Osama bin Laden.

“We finally heard from the team.  They told me that we had succeeded in killing Obama…I mean, Osama.  Did I just…wow.  I guess it is easy to get that wrong,” a chagrined Obama laughed.  “My bad.”


World News Agencies Turn To Harry

News agencies from around the globe are scrambling to fill the void left now that William and Kate are married.

The build-up to last Friday’s Royal Wedding was a media blitz unlike any seen in the past decade. Television networks, magazines and newspapers all spent months and months anticipating the Royal nuptials. And, they brought millions (Note: NOT billions) of viewers along for the ride.  The media frenzy was an infinite supply of minute details for those who were interested, a never-ending nuisance to those who weren’t and just plain inescapable for half of the world.

So, now what?  How do you top a spectacle like that once it is over?  How does the international press rise above the biggest media-hangover on record?

Well, the world is looking to William’s younger brother, Harry, to satiate that need.

Come on, Harry. The world needs you!

Media outlets are already turning their attention to the young prince who, despite being nowhere near engaged – let alone married – is the only one who could live up to, or even outdo William and Kate’s fête. Rumors that one American TV network has sent Harry a lengthy list of potential princesses to move the process along are already swirling.  Another agency is said to have signed the Prince of Wales up for multiple online dating services such as eHarmony.com and Match.com.  A spokesperson for E! Entertainment Television declined to comment about a reality-based show alleged to be in pre-production that would send undetermined members of the Kardashian family to London in hopes of wooing Diana’s youngest son.

“Whatever we can do to help the boy out, we’re in,” an unnamed source told us on Sunday. “We all had such a great time covering Will and Kate’s wedding, that we simply want to keep the energy going.  And, the sooner Harry gets married, the sooner we can all get back to doing what we love: excessive pandering.”

It remains to be seen what actions Harry takes to ensure the media outlets get their chance to shine once again.  But, whatever they are…you can be certain that we will know every detail possible thanks to the greatest news companies in the world.

Source: Billy Gillispie newest member at MiddleSchoolElite.com

Billy Gillispie, the former Kentucky Wildcats basketball coach and current Texas Tech Red Raiders coach, jump-started future recruiting for his current program by subscribing to MiddleSchoolElite.com, a website dedicated to ranking basketball players in the fifth, sixth, and seventh grades.

BCG, as supporters affectionately call the coach, made national headlines while coaching in Lexington by securing the commitment of Thousand Oaks, California eighth grader Michael Avery. Now stationed in Lubbock, Texas, Gillispie decided to make early relationships with potential future high school stars.

Red Raiders' Coach Gillispie

A source close to the coach said Gillispie knows he doesn’t have the Kentucky brand behind him anymore and he wants to build early relationships that will pay off in five or six years, when the kids become juniors in high school.

The source continued by stating: “Billy just wants what’s best for the kids. It’s nothin’ serious right now, just a friendly hello letter of interest with a little bit about the school and Billy himself. Just starting early, that’s all.”

Gillispie’s recruitment of Avery while at Kentucky received national scrutiny, although it was not a violation of NCAA rules.

The NCAA has since limited contact between coaches and recruits who are not yet juniors in high school. However, the source insists, BCG is within the confines of the rules.

“We like to call it the gray area,” said the source who chose to remain anonymous. “You oughta’ see Billy’s face though. It just lights up when he finds a 6’5″ seventh grader. He takes a sip of his bourbon, and then starts pecking away at an e-mail or letter.”

“It’s kinda scary how excited he gets at times. He just gets this look in his eye, and you know he wants the kid. But it’s a good kinda look. It’s not a Michael Jackson kinda look.”

MiddleSchoolElite.com ranks the young classes (2016-2018 currently) on various criteria including their accomplishments, team success, individual talent, and long range potential. The site combines these factors into a secret “formula.”

“You know,” our source continued, “it’s just something new. If we can figure out which fifth grader in the country will be the best in seven years, we’re way ahead of the curve. We’ll already have a relationship with the family, we’ll be trusted. Trust is the key to recruiting. Earn the trust of the player, the family, the AAU coach, and the runner, then you get the kid. Seven years is a long time to build up trust.”

A quick survey of other major college coaches revealed some interest in the site, but BCG remains a lone wolf in the next universe of recruiting for now.

MLS Loses Ball; Puts Season On Hold

NEW YORK – Major League Soccer play was temporarily suspended Monday when league officials announced an unfortunate mishap.

“We lost the ball,” Commissioner Don Garber stated in a solemn press conference.  “We thought that Real Salt Lake had it. But, apparently, they were under the impression that it was still in Los Angeles.”

With the misplacement of the league’s only ball, Wednesday’s game in Salt Lake City is in danger of being postponed until either it – or a suitable replacement – can be found.  If it remains missing, other games this weekend could also be in jeopardy.

“It’s embarassing, really,” New York Red Bulls head coach Hans Backe said in a statement.  “We’ve been so careful to make sure that the ball is transferred quickly and safely to the next game.  We really  haven’t had a problem at all over the years.  It is just a shame that it had to happen now.”

An unnamed official searches for the missing MLS ball

Garber was quick not to point fingers – citing an official investigation that is currently underway.  But, many are looking at Saturday’s Referee of the L.A. Galaxy/Portland Timbers match in Los Angeles, Ramón Hernández.  Hernández claims he followed procedure after the game by giving the ball to the Fourth Official.  The Fourth Official, who asked to remain annonymous, says he never received the ball from Hernández.

“We’re looking into it,” Garber said.  “Someone knows where it is.  We just have to find it.”  He went on to say that the league is prepared to take drastic action if necessary. “We sent Ivan (Gazidis – Deputy Commissioner) down to Sports Authority with the debit card just in case.”

Mizzou To Finally Name Coach

COLUMBIA, MO – University of Missouri officials announced, today – at the end of a tumultuous week that saw popular and likable men’s basketball coach, Mike Anderson, take the vacant position at Arkansas and current Purdue head coach, Matt Painter, entertain their advances before deciding to stay in West Lafayette – that they have finally come to terms with a new head basketball coach.

Mizzou Athletic Director, Mike Alden, is set to introduce the program’s new coach, Norm Stewart’s 12 year-old grandson, Colin, at a press conference in Mizzou Arena later this afternoon.

“We’re very excited to take this step to return to the height of the glory days of Mizzou basketball.  Colin brings, not only a youthful exuberance and knowledge of the game, but a DNA that just can’t be denied,” Alden told reporters waiting for him in the parking lot this morning.  “We firmly believe that Colin will guide this program with the same intensity and success that his grandfather did.”

Colin Stewart, Head Basketball Coach, University of Missouri

Stewart, a 6th grader at Hazelwood North Middle School in Florissant, MO, brings a lifetime of knowledge of the game to Missouri.  Sources close to Stewart tell of watching tapes of “Grampy’s” games when he was just a toddler.  He was active in Junior League programs where he amassed a career record of 10-7 as a member of the Mayne’s Pharmacy Knicks.  At Hazelwood North, Colin logged near-double-digit minutes for the Panthers before accepting the job with the Tigers.

“We are very excited for the direction our program is going to take,” Alden said.  ” It’s just a matter of time before we’re adding Colin’s name to the (court at Mizzou Arena) along side Grampy’s.”

A time for the Press Conference was not immediately released.