Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has sold his hair!

The King.  Look at that freaking hair.

The King. Look at that freaking hair.

So, we all know Elvis is still alive. I’m sure you know someone who has seen Elvis at the local grocery store or you’ve heard the stories. Maybe you’ve even thought it could be true. That Elvis could want out of the public eye. Maybe you even believe Elvis faked his death to begin a more fulfilling career working for the DEA. You NEED to read that link.

Now that we’re all on the same page, the rest will make more sense. You see, working for the DEA isn’t as profitable as being the most famous singer of all time (that’s right, Michael, you pedophile). And when you aren’t bringing home the bacon like you used to, you aren’t able to afford as much bacon as you used to be able to. What is obvious to even the most apathetic observer is that Elvis is having trouble making ends meet.

But, whoever came up with the plan to sell his hair for cash was a freaking genius. I mean, he’s still got a full head of hair (in fact the only bald Elvis impersonator receives death threats regularly). And, if you want to track where Elvis is at this moment, just go here.

So, now Elvis is able to make an extra $15,000 every other month. To ensure he’s never out of bacon.

Cole Aldrich Settles Kansas Athletics Feud….Broadway Style

LAWRENCE, KS – Cole Aldrich, the Junior big man for the Kansas Jayhawks basketball team took the resolution of the recent scuffles between members of his team and some of the university’s Football players into his own hands Thursday the only way he knew how…by breaking out into song.

Members of the Kansas Jayhawk basketball team 'take it slow, Daddy-O'

Members of the Kansas Jayhawk basketball team 'take it slow, Daddy-O'

The 6-11, 245 lb Center put his own spin on the classic West Side Story cautioner “Cool” to try and get through to his teammates.

A source close to the team said that Aldrich showed “an adept grasp of the emotion and immediacy” of the Bernstein/Sondheim tune.  The source then added “and the surprisingly smooth dance moves really helped get his  point across, I think.”

Senior Guard, Sherron Collins felt inspired by the impromptu performance.  “When (Aldrich) sang ‘Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it,’ we really kinda had to turn off the juice, you know?  It was tight.”

Xavier Henry, Freshman Guard from Brewster [N.J.] Academy, was impressed by the team’s chemistry during the spontaneous dance number that ended the 7 minute session.  “We feel closer than ever.  We’re a team no matter what happens.  We’re Jayhawks.  And Tyrell (Reed)?  That (expletive deleted) can move.”

When Aldrich was asked afterward what inspired the moving number.  He humbly responded “We just gotta play it cool.  Real cool.”

Real cool, indeed.