I know this is old news, but there’s no way I can pass up posting this. Enjoy.
Can somebody explain to me why people feel the need to criticize Tiger Woods for his mouth? He is a grown man playing in a highly competitive event after a five month lay-off. Who here doesn’t let one of Carlin’s seven words fly after an errant tee shot?
Can CBS and Jim Nantz, or any of the other networks, complain when they dress the tee box with extra microphones? Seriously, they want to bring the experience to the fan, yet they don’t want to offend anybody. Sports take place in the heat of the moment, to borrow an old cliche, and no one can expect any athlete to behave differently.
Sure, some are able to keep their emotions under control. Phil Mickelson, who also has a large following, kept his mouth clean throughout the weekend. But, it is unreasonable to have the same expectations of two different people.
And before anybody tells me, I know Tiger said he would be showing more respect for the game as well as keeping his emotions under control, but can we really believe that? Of course not. He said it for the PR move, not for sincerity, and I’m not even going to bash Tiger for that. I could care less.
I don’t see and hear sport commentators griping when a dugout mic picks up the errant F-word in baseball. Better yet, why don’t we wire every lineman in football, both offense and defense, and hear what goes on at the bottom of the pile? Or does that ruin the sanctity of the game as well?
Apparently public enemy number 1, Tiger Woods, has had enough of banging the loose women down at his Mississippi sex addiction clinic, and has decided that a select few, hand picked media members will be awarded the opportunity to watch him, live, and in person, recite a statement nearly 4 months in the making.
I know what you’re thinking: “Wow dafunk. That’s a lot of commas.”
I agree. It’s absurd.
Anywho, it is impressive that a man who was once the biggest sports star on the planet [but has since proven himself to be a complete and total fraud] has the gumption to lay down the law like that to the sports media.
Quite frankly, he’s an inspiration to elitist jerks everywhere, and that is why he is the inaugural Elistist Jerk of the Week.
Biggest loser in this whole affair: The public, for being exposed to the thought of Tiger having sex with this.
Biggest winner: Perkins Restaurant. As long as they capitalize on the Lawton/Woods saga by [in]appropriately modifying their current “Breakfast is Just the Beginning” slogan. Its really just, too easy…..(TWSS)
The crack EJSIC investigative staff has recently uncovered Tiger Woods’ written statement, to be released in a closed press conference on Friday morning.
Hello, I want to thank the selected media outlets for coming, and also a big thank you to the PGA staff for putting this press conference together so quickly.
First of all, I want to apologize to my wife, Elin, and our two beautiful children. Words cannot express the regret I feel for my actions.
Secondly, I want to apologize to the PGA tour for bringing shame to our sport. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I have become the face of our sport, and I feel like I have let all of you down.
To all my fans, worldwide: I am deeply sorry that my personal transgressions may have disappointed you or changed your opinion of me. I look forward to earning your forgiveness and regaining your support when I win my next Major.
To Steve, my caddy, best friend, trusted adviser, wingman, and occasional bodyguard. Thank you for your loyalty. It has not gone unnoticed, and will not go unrewarded. You’re my Tom Hagen. Thank you for everything, and I’m truly sorry for any discomfort this episode has caused you.
Next, I want to apologize to my sponsors, and thank the ones who have stood by me, having the good sense to realize that an insatiable, duplicitous horndog is still a cash cow. So thanks, Nike and Gatorade. And good luck, Accenture. Maybe you can get Geoff Ogilvy or Brandt Snedeker to help you get those billable hours back up.
Now, in addition to my apologies to the aforementioned, I want to take the time to discuss what I’ve learned in the last four months. If I don’t take some lessons away from this struggle, then this whole event has been nothing more than a long string of hot, casual sex with people not named Elin. And according to my counselors in Mississippi (and my mother-in-law), I’ve learned that that sort of thing is frowned upon.
The first thing I learned from this experience is that in retrospect taking the three minutes to put a lock PIN on my cell phone would have been a good idea. Security is important; please learn from my mistake. The Escalade you save could be your own.
Another thing I learned is that abortion clinics are shamelessly greedy. You’d think that a volume, loyalty discount would be in order, but those price-gougers seem to disagree. I might start being Pro-Life just based on principle. Well, not that principle; the economic one. But I digress.
The next thing I learned is that John Mayer is an unoriginal prick. He stole one of my favorite lines. Months ago, I was talking to John at a charity event and he made a joke about how I only hooked up with white girls. I told John “Well, I guess my dick is sort of like a white supremacist”. So then while I’m locked in rehab, I get the word that John has recycled that line in Playboy. I’m really disappointed in John for that. His betrayal really hurts. I guess now I know how Elin must have felt.
Finally, the last and most profound lesson I took away from this experience is that fortune and fame can buy you a lot of things, including love and happiness. But it can’t buy you a complete and total media cover-up. I realize now how naïve I was to ever believe it could.
These have been some of the darkest days of my life, but I’m a better man for it. I hope we can all put this episode behind us and move on. I look forward to a great year of golf.
I will not be taking questions. Unless Erin Andrews is here; I’ll talk to her anytime. No, I didn’t mean that. Damn. Sorry, scratch that. Serenity now.
So anyway… thank you for coming, and may God bless America. And Nike. And Gatorade.
So, I’ve written about some of my personal stories before and, while I was hoping to keep it quiet, I did not expect this. I had checked in to Pine Grove willingly trying to get a handle on my sex life. I’ve been hurt at work before, often for sleeping with my boss’ daughter, and once for hitting on her. I took up vineyard management because it keeps me around other Hispanic men and reduces the risks of my sex addiction flaring up. Even then, I’ve resorted to seeking sexual gratification from local nightclubs. Finally, I acknowledged my problem and checked in to Pine Grove.
As I sat on my bed, trying to come to terms with my feelings, in walks Tiger Woods. I obviously knew who he was immediately. I also suspect he knew who I was, but I introduced myself just the same. He was very nice and also experiencing a wide range of emotions. We spoke for a while and then it was time to go to our first gathering on the first day of treatment.
In our conversation, I did learn that Tiger is taking this very seriously. He isn’t trying to win Elin back. That’s a common misconception by ESPN. But that ship has sailed. He’s worried about future financial scares. Women throw themselves at him in ways common people couldn’t imagine (I suspect the nurse was even hitting on him – you should have seen how she smiled at him). Eventually, he’s worried he’ll make a mistake and get sued by some money grubber. I totally understand where he’s coming from. I often try to land wealthy women just to sue them.
News broke earlier today that famed golfer and sex-a-holic Tiger Woods was in a Mississippi sex rehab center. Woods has disappeared from the public since his Thanksgiving single-car accident. However, a lot of private information has since surfaced including his numerous transgressions.
EJSIC was able to confirm with an employee of the clinic that the world’s number one golfer had been admitted there. She, speaking on the basis of anonymity, also told us about helping a man who was once the most sought after spokesman in all of sports.
“He’s been great,” said the employee. “He doesn’t have this ‘holier than thou’ attitude just because he’s a billionaire. He’s been a real joy to work with. You can tell he’s a real master at his trade. He’s definitely a perfectionist.”
When asked to expand on the information, she giggled and said, “He’s such a tease. I can see why all of those girls went after him. Not only does he have the money to provide a lifetime of security, he also knows how to pleasure a gal.”
Confused, I asked her if she worked at a brothel rather than at a sex rehab clinic to which she angrily responded, “Look, these people have a disease. You can’t just take the sex away from them without repercussions. You remember when your mother breast fed you? She slowly took the nipple away a little more each day until you were weened. It’s the same way here. We give Tiger a little less ‘strange’ each day until he no longer feels the need to attack anything and everything that walks by. It just so happens that my job description requires me to perform multiple duties. That’s all I’ve got to say. Don’t bother calling back!”
The line buzzed dead and I was left even more confused. We here at EJSIC wish Tiger the best of luck in overcoming his war with extra-marital affairs. But at the same time, we are left wondering whether this particular clinic’s technique will turn the… I mean… do the trick.
ESPN golf reporter Tom Rinaldi has reportedly reached out to the disgruntled wife of superstar Tiger Woods as his list of mistresses continues to grow if not by the day, then by the hour at the very least. Elin Nordegren left the couple’s house amidst the scandal which is when Rinaldi decided to get involved.
Speaking to us via a hotel telephone in an undisclosed Florida city, Rinaldi had the following to say of his actions: “I just told Elin to keep her head up. She’s not the only one Tiger has cheated on. There’s other people out there she can talk to who love her and can help.”
Before any other information could be discerned, muffled voices were heard in the background until Rinaldi returned to the conversation with: “Okay, where was I?”
EJSIC asked the reporter who else Tiger had cheated on since his earlier statement seemed to convey inside information. “I think back a couple years ago when Tiger said he would grant an exclusive interview with one reporter. Everyone in the business was vying for the opportunity. Tiger told me I had the inside track and then he gave the interview with the lifeless Jim Gray. I was heartbroken.”
At this point, more background noise occurred for which Rinaldi apologized before adding this final statement: “I’ll just say, I know exactly what Elin is going through right now which makes me and her… umm, which is why I reached out to her. I have to report on SportsCenter soon so this interview is over.” Before EJSIC could thank Mr. Rinaldi for his time, the line clicked dead.
So, while life for Tiger had been all pillow fights and aloofness with the media, now it’s something more. It’s a struggle to remain the Alpha golfer while everyone else is quick to rip into him. They’re lining up like that scene in Airplane! to slap him down in some attempt to become his equal once again.
Everyone from the Florida Police Department to TMZ is looking to get their licks in. It doesn’t even make sense. The dude had a freaking car accident. Yeah, the stories that leaked out were weird, but is that Tiger’s fault or is that on the media? And with every story the media reported, each as inaccurate as the last, Americans started thinking of this event as more and more scandalous. And every American loves a good scandal. So, now this soap opera, that for the most part has been fabricated by the media to benefit the media, is being discussed in literally every walk of life.