Flop’s Five Things

Sadly... It's not stones she's skipping.

Welcome to Flop’s Five Things, where no puppy killers are allowed.

  1. Last night taught us that the Big East still sucks at football. Pittsburgh, the highest ranked team in the conference, lost it’s opener to unranked Utah out of the Mountain West. While there’s obviously no real shame in losing to the Utes, especially at home, you’d think the “best” team in the Big East should win this game. It’s obviously very early, but it’s probably safe to say that there may not be a single team in the Big East that really deserves the BCS bid they’ll be getting in January.
  2. We learned this week that UNC may be without half their team when the Heels take on LSU in their opener Saturday. Considering this was supposed to be the year when Powder Blue finally made some noise on the national scene, it has to be disappointing to see their season possibly derailed by agents and academics. The Tar Heels aren’t alone, as top-ranked Alabama has had to suspend pass-rusher Marcell Dareus for their opener over agent involvement. Corruption in college athletics will be THE challenge facing the sports world over the next decade. It’ll be interesting to see how the rules and expectations change moving forward.
  3. This week taught us that Nyjer Morgan is @#$%ing insane. At least he’s entertaining…
  4. We’ve learned that filming yourself throwing a bucket full of puppies in a river is a bad idea. Not only will you manage to creep out half the planet, but you’ll also get a $50K bounty put on your head by Michael Bay. If anyone knows crimes against nature, it’s Michael Bay.
  5. Finally, I’ve learned that the United States doesn’t have the market cornered on stupid beauty pageant contestants anymore. The Chinese really are catching up to us…

Have a great weekend. Watch football, drink beer and populate the earth, not necessarily in that order. See you on Monday.

Flop’s Five Things

What's missing from this comic? Absolutely nothing.

After some consternation, I’ve decided that Flop’s Five Things will be featured weekly instead of nightly. I know I promised I would tuck you all in every night, but the limits of the space time continuum have gotten in the way. Maybe someday… Until then, here are the Five Things I learned this week.

  1. First off, I learned that Elin Nordgren is either the most innocently naive woman on the planet or she’s just not paying attention. In her interview with People magazine, the blond beauty claims to have had no idea that Tiger was cheating on her. When you consider the fact that El Tigre was basically banging anything with a pulse for about 5 years, including dirty ginger Perkins waitresses, that’s kind of baffling.
  2. I found out that Jay Mariotti is as big of a douche in real life as he is in print, as the ESPN and AOL Fanhouse personality was arrested for physically assaulting his girlfriend in a hotel lobby. While I obviously can’t say that I’m happy that a woman was abused, the fact that I’ll likely no longer have to see Mariotti’s bloated mackerel face on Around the Horn does bring a gentle wind of peace to my zen garden.
  3. This week I learned that the Reds are here to stay, if for no other reason than the Cardinals have managed to be even more inept over the past two weeks. Still, with a 4 game lead in the Central with a little over a month left in the regular season, it’s a great time to be a Reds fan. As history has shown us, if you can just get to the playoffs there’s a good chance that you can make it to the World Series in the mediocre National League. It could happen…
  4. I also learned that 2 fails can cancel each other out. I’m guessing that one of them would have failed a little harder if he’d been driving a car instead of riding a bike, though.
  5. Finally, I learned that Garfield may actually be more interesting if you take Garfield out of the comic. Poor John Arbuckle. Will he ever be at peace?

I wish you all a short and non-productive Friday and a long, even less productive weekend. See you on Monday.

Flop’s Five Things

That doesn't look like any fish I've caught before.

Happy Friday, everyone. Like a cotton swab before a steroid shot in the ass, here are Flop’s Five Things.

  1. First, and most importantly, we’ve now learned that Congress thinks Roger Clemons is a big fat liar. The 7-time Cy Young winner has been indicted by a U.S. Grand Jury on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice. Should Clemons stick to his guns in the face of evidence that he’s lying about using PED’s, there’s a very real possibility that he winds up spending at least some time in prison. At least he’ll be used to taking shots in the ass… (It just keeps on giving, doesn’t it?)
  2. We’ve also learned that WAC commissioner Karl Benson is pissed that a third of his conference has bolted for the greener pastures of the MWC. As Dan Gilbert-ish as this might seem, it’s hard to blame the guy for being upset. With Boise State, Fresno State and Nevada leaving, the WAC has lost arguably it’s three best football programs and will be in a serious fight to stay afloat as a relevant athletic conference. It will be interesting to see where the WAC goes from here. 6 teams does not a conference make.
  3. Today I learned that a Mullet is both a haircut and a fish. Thank you, Vin Scully. 1985 says hi.
  4. I also learned that it’s never OK for old white ladies to say n***** on the radio. The sad part is, the fact that Dr. Laura lost her radio show over using a word that is literally spoken thousands of times per day by African Americans is the perfect illustration of the point she was trying to make to begin with. Is that irony or what? Because Alanis Morissette still has me a little confused as to what qualifies as irony…
  5. Finally, Twitter has taught me that having Courtney Love for a mother is just as confusing as you might think. Can someone tell me what just happened there?

Anyway, a great Friday and a great weekend to you all. See you Monday.

Flop’s Five Things

I wonder if it's OK to wear one of these to a Razorback press conference.

Welcome to Flop’s Five Things. Please leave your Gator hat at home.

  1. Today we learned that he who shall remain nameless will actually play for the Vikings next season. In true douchebag fashion, the nameless one spun it as a favor he “owed” the team and that this would be his absolute last season. Right… See you in Dallas in 2011, Salt-N-Pepa.
  2. Today I noticed that my beloved Cincinnati Reds were 2.5 games up (as of 11:37pm EST) in the NL Central race over the Cardinals. Considering I had basically given up on them following the literal and figurative thumping they took from the Cardinals a week ago, this was a welcomed surprise. Has the annual epic collapse been delayed to make it more painful or will the Red Legs manage to return to the playoffs for the first time in my adult life? Only time will tell.
  3. Today I learned that Razorback reporter Renee Gork was fired for tweeting out her love for the Florida Gators, not just for wearing a Gator hat to a press conference. While I understand the need to appease your audience, I think requiring the media covering your local team to be fans of that team is an inadvisable position to be in. As much as I think Jerry Tipton is overly negative in his coverage of UK, it is comforting to know that at least one prominent reporter is operating independent of his fandom. If reporters can’t be unbiased, then they’re no better than we filthy, blogging Philistines.
  4. Today TMZ informed me that Speidi is about to be spliced, as the second most annoying pair in the world (the first being Skip Bayless’ arms) has decided to get divorced. Here’s hoping that Heidi lands on her feet (or whatever synthetic substance she’s walking on now) and that neither of them stop following us on Twitter.
  5. Finally, today I learned that the Foo Fighters are working on a new album for 2011. This is great news for Foo Fans as we can never really have our fill of the Foo.

So… there’s that. See you all bright and early in the morning.

Flop’s Five Things

So much for that idea...

Hola, amigos and amigas. Welcome to the first installment of Flop’s Five Things. This will be a recurring segment, where I touch on 5 interesting happenings I found out about today. So, without further ado (I know how much you hate ado), here are Flop’s Five Things.

  1. Today we found out that we still haven’t found out if Brett Favre has figured out if he’s playing next season. Once again, the Salt-N-Peppa’d One is milking the moment and missing as much actual practice time with his team as is humanly possible. What are the odds Roger Goodell implements a “Favre Rule” that prohibits washed up players from holding teams hostage every off-season after this year? If he were truly the Texas Ranger he pretends to be, he’d man up and spare us the drama next season.
  2. Today I found out that former Kentucky Wildcat Wesley Woodyard was the Denver Bronco who delivered the now famous “Friar” hair cut to Tim Tebow during training camp. Wildcat and foreskin fans everywhere salute you, Wes.
  3. Today I learned that incoming NCAA President Mark Emmert would like to emulate the MLB draft rules system for college basketball. For those of you that aren’t in the know, high school baseball players are allowed to either turn professionally right away or commit to 3 years of college.On the surface, I love this idea in terms of developing players and chemistry in college. In reality, though, I know that the kids aren’t the only ones making bank in the one-and-done system. NBA teams now have the pleasure of bust-proofing their draft decisions based on a year’s worth of film competing against high level competition. I’m guessing the execs aren’t in a big hurry to up their odds of wasting millions on unproven commodities.
  4. Today I learned that Juggalos are not to be @#$%ed with. Not only did they almost rid the world of Tela Tequila (you should be taking notes Shawne), but they also took on a legit former gangsta rapper in Method Man. That’s some hard-ass clowns right there.
  5. Finally, Google taught me that my prediction of Johnny Depp playing Ranger Smith in the Yogi Bear movie was swiftly debunked. It turns out they are actually making a Yogi Bear movie and that Ed star Tom Cavanagh has won the coveted role of Ranger Smith. There’s always Top Cat, Johnny.

With that, I bid you adieu. Please remember to stay the @#$% out of my picnic basket.