The Weekend in Haiku

Tar Heel football team
Apparently think they have
Joined the SEC
It is ironic
Tiger couldn’t miss a hole
And now can’t find one
The bases loaded
ManRam sees a single pitch
Then gets himself tossed
Brett Favre throws two picks
Also loses a fumble
Brett’s just being Brett
The Nationals bet
Their future on Strasburg’s arm
Modern Family
Owns the Emmy awards show
Julie Bowen: Mmmm.
Finally football
Will rescue us from August –
Where sport goes to die

For The Love of God, Can We Get Tiger Woods Some Strange?

Listen, I have a pretty good moral compass.  I was raised Southern Baptist.  I don’t illegally download music.  I don’t cheat on my taxes.  I’d never have an extramarital affair not involving Zooey Deschanel and/or Rachel McAdams.

What Tiger Woods did to his wife and family was reprehensible.  He deserves any and all punishment Elin and her lawyers give him.  He screwed up, royally.  Having said that, what he’s currently doing on the golf course is just as disgusting.  It’s obvious he’s lost his mojo.  We shouldn’t be surprised.

We’ve seen this throughout history.  Samson cut his hair, and lost his strength.  Popeye ran out of spinach, and became nearly as scrawny as Olive Oyl.  Tiger Woods goes to sex rehab, and his golf game goes to hell.

We need to get this guy laid.  And fast.

Now, you might be thinking I’m an insensitive prick.  But I prefer to call myself a realist.  His marriage is over.  Why bother trying to “straighten up and fly right” at this point?  Besides, if Elin is really taking $700 million out of his pocket, he needs to start winning some cash.

So, if you’re a slutty (white) waitress or a (white) porn starlet, or just a (white) girl with a tight (white) caboose and loose morals, get in touch with Tiger ASAP.  Ask not what the game of golf can do for you, but who you can do for the game of golf.

(The answer’s Tiger Woods, you dumb skank.)

Elitist Jerk of the Week; 2/18/2010

Check out the gun show over here. BOOM.

Apparently public enemy number 1, Tiger Woods, has had enough of banging the loose women down at his Mississippi sex addiction clinic, and has decided that a select few, hand picked media members will be awarded the opportunity to watch him, live, and in person, recite a statement nearly 4 months in the making.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow dafunk. That’s a lot of commas.”

I agree. It’s absurd.

Anywho, it is impressive that a man who was once the biggest sports star on the planet [but has since proven himself to be a complete and total fraud] has the gumption to lay down the law like that to the sports media.

Quite frankly, he’s an inspiration to elitist jerks everywhere, and that is why he is the inaugural Elistist Jerk of the Week.

Biggest loser in this whole affair: The public, for being exposed to the thought of Tiger having sex with this.

Biggest winner: Perkins Restaurant. As long as they capitalize on the Lawton/Woods saga by [in]appropriately modifying their current “Breakfast is Just the Beginning” slogan. Its really just, too easy…..(TWSS)

Tiger Woods is my Roommate

My new roomate at Pine Grove

So, I’ve written about some of my personal stories before and, while I was hoping to keep it quiet, I did not expect this. I had checked in to Pine Grove willingly trying to get a handle on my sex life. I’ve been hurt at work before, often for sleeping with my boss’ daughter, and once for hitting on her. I took up vineyard management because it keeps me around other Hispanic men and reduces the risks of my sex addiction flaring up. Even then, I’ve resorted to seeking sexual gratification from local nightclubs. Finally, I acknowledged my problem and checked in to Pine Grove.

As I sat on my bed, trying to come to terms with my feelings, in walks Tiger Woods. I obviously knew who he was immediately. I also suspect he knew who I was, but I introduced myself just the same. He was very nice and also experiencing a wide range of emotions. We spoke for a while and then it was time to go to our first gathering on the first day of treatment.

In our conversation, I did learn that Tiger is taking this very seriously. He isn’t trying to win Elin back. That’s a common misconception by ESPN. But that ship has sailed. He’s worried about future financial scares. Women throw themselves at him in ways common people couldn’t imagine (I suspect the nurse was even hitting on him – you should have seen how she smiled at him). Eventually, he’s worried he’ll make a mistake and get sued by some money grubber. I totally understand where he’s coming from. I often try to land wealthy women just to sue them.

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