Elitist Jerk Classics: "Sneak Preview: Sean Salisbury’s ESPN Tell-All"

Editor’s Note: The following is a re-post from a while back. We’ll be posting a couple of these every weekend as a way of letting a new audience see some great posts they might have missed.

As you may know by now, our friends at Deadspin reported that Sean Salisbury is planning to write an expose about ESPN. We can only hope that his editors remind him that “ur” is not a word.

The EJSIC has obtained a few of the anecdotes that are going into his tell-all book. Prepare to be shocked. (The editors suggest reading the following sections with Mozilla Firefox’s SalisburyText-Translator applet turned on.)

So without further ado, please enjoy these tasty morsels of what’s to come:

Stuart Scott’s Right Eye is Actually the Good One

We know. Our jaws hit the floor too. Salisbury claims that the misinformation surrounding Scott’s eye has been nothing short of incredible.

“Ur not gonna believe it but the eye that ppl think is the lazy one is actually the good one. The 4-letter is afraid of ppl knowing the truth about it”

Mark May and Colin Cowherd

Salisbury reveals a pretty hilarious story about a fight between ESPN anchors Mark May and Colin Cowherd.

“U know I went to USC so one day we were talking about USC and May said he loved USC the most. Cowherd gets all pissed off and says something like ‘ur not even from the West Coast, u dork. Nobody loves USC like I do. And Pete Carroll and I are way tighter than you and him are.’ Next thing I know May has Colin in a headlock, just beating his brains in. And of course I don’t step in, ‘coz, I mean, who wants to see Colin Cowherd not get his brains beat in?”

Dick Vitale Hates Duke

This one made us wonder if our source was jerking our chain. But after reading Salisbury’s comments, it makes perverse sense.

“…Dude, Vitale hates Coach K and Duke. But he’s a genius, he figured that if he talked about them nonstop for 20 years ppl would start hating them, pretty smart…”

We’re not convinced that Dick Vitale is that smart or that evil, but if it’s true…wow. Consider us stunned and intrigued.

Kenny Mayne Is Not Really an ESPN Employee

“Honestly dude, Mayne just showed up one day and was kinda funny so they put him on camera. U know how bad the talent was after Olbermann and Kilborn left, and then Patrick was suddenly too good for Sportscenter. The suits were desperate. Its also how Van Pelt eventually got a job. But they don’t even pay Kenny. They just give him some beers now and then. But he’s a good dude.”

“It Wasn’t My Jimmy”

In the book, Salisbury finally admits that he did show cell phone penis pictures to a female colleague, which resulted in his firing. But Salisbury drops this bombshell:

“Dude it wasn’t my Jimmy. It was a stunt dick. U think I’m gonna show the Salisbury Steak to some chick I’m trying to nail right away? No way. I showed her someone else’s. A real big one. I mean, those cell phone screens are small, so I wanted to fill it up, impress her. U know how it goes. They can’t fire me for showing pix of somebody else’s dick. My lawyer said so.”

Suzy Kolber and Joe Namath: The Real Story

Everyone remembers Namath’s awkward unwanted sexual advances toward Kolber. Except Salisbury claims “unwanted” isn’t even close to accurate.

“Oh man, if ppl only knew. Namath came off in the media like a horny, creepy drunk guy. But what ppl don’t know is that like 10 minutes later Joe was plowing Suzy back in one of the vans. Joe’s awesome. He didn’t even care about that story. He told me once: ‘Don’t worry about what people say about u as long ur gettin’ ur bone smooched.’ He’s an American hero.”

John Clayton: Ass Magnet?

Perhaps the most stunning relevation we found yet was this one:

“Dude, nobody pulls trim like John Clayton. I don’t know how he does it, but he gets tail anywhere, anytime. I’ve seen Herbstreit BEG Clayton for tips on getting poon. But Clayton just smiles and says ‘There’s nothing to it. They want it or they don’t’, which of course just pisses us all off. Dude’s a machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. You want to have fun? Go to Hooters with Clayton one night. But make sure u drive so u don’t get stranded when he ditches u to go home with a couple of sluts.”

EJSIC Classics: Kentucky Players Feed Homeless Tent People

EDITOR’S NOTE: In honor of the annual “Madness Campout” that starts today in Lexington. Here’s a heart-warming tail of community outreach from last year.

Patrick Patterson wakes a thankless tent hobo with a piping hot McMuffin.

Patrick Patterson wakes a thankless tent hobo with a piping hot McMuffin.

Showing that college basketball stars have hearts after all, the University of Kentucky Wildcats basketball team banded together to take breakfast to a small community of homeless people camped outside Memorial Coliseum.

“It was a great opportunity for us to give back to the community,” Patrick Patterson explained. “These people may be homeless, they may be crazy, but they’re still people. Everyone deserves a McMuffin now and then.”

Officials estimate that the hastily assembled tent commune has recently ballooned to more than a thousand occupants.

One campus police officer, who wished to remain anonymous, shed some light on the situation. “At first there were just a couple of tents, but now it’s starting to get a little out of hand. We’ve tried everything to get them to pack up and leave, but they are a stubborn lot.”

“One hobo rambled something about a basketball practice, before shouting ‘C’ at the top of his lungs. It’s disturbing stuff.”

“Hopefully these people can use this predicament as a wake up call and get their lives together.”

“Our home is here,” said one disheveled bag lady. “As long as our Cats are here, we’ll be here too.”

She then flashed us, shouted “LOOK! IT’S JOHN WALL!”, and ran behind a bush.

This reporter can only hope that she found what she was looking for.

Elitist Jerk Classics: “Chris Berman Latest Victim of Hotel Voyeurism”

Editor’s Note: The following is a re-post from a while back. We’ll be posting a couple of these every weekend as a way of letting a new audience see some great posts they might have missed.

chris_berman_really_annoying_1

BRISTOL, CT – Long-time ESPN personality Chris Berman announced to the media Monday morning that he recently discovered he is the latest victim of so-called “peephole camera” voyeurism. Earlier this year it was disclosed that ESPN reporter Erin Andrews had been secretly taped in the nude while staying in a hotel on assignment.

Berman told reporters:

“Thank you for coming. I wanted to address this matter before it got too far out of hand, as I saw what a media circus Erin’s ordeal was back back back back back back back a couple of months ago. So I thought it was best to address it here and now.

This is an extremely trying time for me and for my family. While I won’t get into too many specifics, due to the nature of the ongoing investigation, I will mention that it appears I was videotaped in my hotel room in Green Bay sometime in late 2008. I won’t go into more specifics, at the direction of Green Bay Police Chief Jim “The Performing” Arts. I just don’t want to damage any of the fine work my legal team is doing, as we think this case could. Go. All. The. Way. To trial.

I want to thank ESPN and my family for their support during this trying time. Thank you.”

The infamous Andrews tape reportedly showed the reporter in the nude, standing in her hotel room. An ESPN insider, speaking only on the condition of anonymity, remarked that the Berman tape is a bit different.

“Oh, my heart goes out for Mr. Chrissy Berman. He’s a class act all the way, baby! What kind of country do we live in where an all-time great broadcaster can’t relax nude in his hotel room, eating Hot Pockets and watching a bit of Designing Women? This is still America isn’t it? Come on, people! Berman is the Rolls-Royce of broadcasters! Leave him alone, baby!”

Stay tuned to EJSIC for further developments.

Elitist Jerk Classics: “John Calipari Recruiting Muhammad Ali”

Editor’s Note: The following is a re-post from a while back. We’ll be posting a couple of these every weekend as a way of letting a new audience see some great posts they might have missed.

John Calipari with Muhammad Ali

In a peculiar twist, it seems that John Calipari is now recruiting Muhammad Ali as a 2009 player for the Kentucky Wildcats.

When asked why Ali and why now, Calipari responded, “If you want to be the greatest, you’ve got to recruit the greatest. Who’s greater than the Greatest of All-Time?”

“Plus, we have an open scholarship that I’d rather not use on Mark Krebs. I don’t really like white people as basketball players.”

When pressed about the obvious issues of Ali’s advanced age, Parkinson’s Syndrome and inability to dribble a basketball, Calipari retorted, “Look, I’ve been told my whole life that I couldn’t do this or that and look where I am now.”

“Did you know the New Jersey Nets fired me? Life is about Bouncing Back, afterall. If I can do it, so can The Greatest. Have you read my book yet?”

Calipari continued, “Muhammad will be a great fit for the dribble-drive motion offense. In fact, there’s not a single player on the planet that can’t thrive in this system. By the way, will you be pasting my Twitter URL in this story? They love me on Twitter.”

When asked for his thoughts on Kentucky and whether or not they were the current leader for his services, Mr. Ali mumbled, “Who is this white man touching me? Did I just buy a car?”

Providing insight into (perhaps) the real motivation in this situation, Calipari whispered, “Off the record… I saw him wearing that red shirt, so I figured he was a Louisville lean. I can’t let Rick Pitino sign a native Kentuckian. These people will burn me at the stake.”

As I turned to walk away, Calipari stopped me, “Hey, be sure you post a link so they can buy my DVD’s too.”

Elitist Jerk Classics: “Big East extending invite to Memphis… as well as the entire rest of the NCAA.”

Editor’s Note: The following is a re-post from a while back. We’ll be posting a couple of these every weekend as a way of letting a new audience see some great posts they might have missed.

Big East commish John Marinnato at a recent pres conference

Big East commish John Marinatto at a recent press conference

The Memphis hiring of former Big East commissioner Mike Tranghese this week acted as a catalyst for the biggest conference realignment in the history of collegiate athletics. Tranghese was hired by Memphis Athletic Director R.C. Johnson in an attempt to get their foot in the door of one of the major conferences.

“[Tranghese's] role is to help us and advise us,” Johnson said. “He asked me: ‘What’s my charge?’ I said, ‘There are six BCS conferences. Just get us in one.’”

After Memphis’ hiring of Tranghese, it was only a matter of minutes before Johnson got a phone call from current Big East commissioner John Marinatto.

“I thought that Mike Tranghese pulled a couple of strings to get us an invite so quickly,” said Johnson,”but it turns out the Big East is actually in the middle of a massive expansion project.”

Upon further investigation, I discovered that Commissioner Marinatto has developed an addiction to getting as many teams as possible from the Big East into the NCAA tournament.

“It’s the first thing I think about before falling asleep at night, and it’s the the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning” said Marinatto. “Being the best basketball conference is pretty cut and dry — you have to get the most teams into the tournament. It’s that simple.”

When asked what other teams he had considered for invites, Marinatto retorted with an unexpected three word phrase. “All of them.”

Before my jaw could hit the floor, Marinatto elaborated. “We’re looking to add every team currently in Division I — including teams that are currently in other major conferences. If everything goes according to plan, the Big East will be a 344 team conference in 2010.

When I probed him about the possibility of diluting the conference with below average teams, Marinatto butted in before I could even finish the question. “In the Big East, we accept nothing less than excellence. It’s simple math — more teams in the conference equals more teams in the dance. That’s what we’re about here… being the best.”

In 2009, the Big East got 7 out of its 16 teams — roughly 44% of the conference. If the Big East actually admitted the entire NCAA, the best it could hope to do is roughly 19% of the conference in the tournament. “You’re looking at this all wrong,” Marinatto said. “If we got 65 teams into the 2010 tournament, that’s nearly 10 times the amount we had in 2009. We’d be 10 times better than the 2009 version of the conference. If we were the best conference in 2009, and we improve ourselves 10 fold, how could any of the other conferences hope to compete?”

“There wouldn’t be any other conferences,” I responded. “You’d be the best by default.”

“That’s capitalism, bitch.”

EJSIC College Football Top 25 – Week 3

The top two spots in the poll switched, but Oklahoma stays put, even after a win at Florida State. Florida State dropped out of the top 10 with their loss.

Michigan State dropped out of the top 25 after a loss to Notre Dame. The Big Ten holds 4 of the top 25 spots, third to the SEC and Big 12.

As always, if you disagree, feel free to whine about them in the comments section.

1. Alabama (241 – 5)
This week: vs #9 Arkansas

2. LSU (237 – 2)
This week: @ #15 West Virginia

3. Oklahoma (236 – 3)
This week: vs Missouri

4. Boise State (210)
This week: vs Tulsa

4. Stanford (210)
This week: BYE

6. Wisconsin (208)
This week: vs South Dakota

7. Oklahoma State (161)
This week: @ #8 Texas A&M

8. Texas A&M (154)
This week: vs #7 Oklahoma State

9. Arkansas (140)
This week: @ #1 Alabama

10. Nebraska (139)
This week: @ Wyoming

11. South Carolina (138)
This week: vs #25 Vanderbilt

12. Florida (137)
This week: @ Kentucky

13. Oregon (110)
This week: @ Arizona

14. Florida State (108)
This week: @ #18 Clemson

15. West Virginia (100)
This week: vs #2 LSU

16. USF (96)
This week: vs UTEP

17. Virginia Tech (91)
This week: @ Marshall

18. Clemson (88)
This week: vs #14 Florida State

19. Texas (87)
This week: BYE

20. Baylor (82)
This week: vs Rice

21. Michigan (53)
This week: vs San Diego State

22. Illinois (47)
This week: vs Western Michigan

23. Georgia Tech (45)
This week: vs North Carolina

24. USC (43)
This week: @ Arizona State

25. Vanderbilt (19)
This week: @ #11 South Carolina

Others receiving votes: UNC (12), Auburn (6), Houston (6), Arizona State (5), Iowa State (5), TCU (5), Miami(FL) (4), Cal (3), Michigan State (3), San Diego State (3), Missouri (1), Ohio State (1)

Elitist Jerk Classics: “Kanye West: The Voice of a Generation”

Editor’s Note: The following is a re-post from a while back. We’ll be posting these from time to time as a way of letting a new audience see some great posts they might have missed.

Those who have watched the media frenzy regarding Mr. West and his antics must recognize that one of the most epic battles in the past decade has ensued, possibly worse than when President Clinton made his infamous “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” speech [and the subsequent federal trial]. This battle is much more subtle, however its casualties are becoming painfully obvious to the observant viewer.

Kanye West vs. Everybody. Edge, Kanye. Here are some classic examples to illustrate the casualties:

No amount of wizzardry can stop this man

Kanye vs. Dumbledore

Kanye, the classic movie connoisseur (right); He knows a good wizard when he sees one, and I must concur that Gandalf was the greatest wizard of all time…after all he had Frodo Baggins. Who exactly does Dumbledore have? Harry Potter. A questionably homosexual wizard in training, with a terrible British accent. As an aside, is it possible that HP ( yes I did just call him “HP”) could be a more terrible wizard? At risk of losing all of my man cards in one single, foul, despicable act I willingly submit to the fact that I have in fact seen the damn movies. This guy is a terrible wizard, all of his peers are better than him. Think about it. Continue reading