The Sea World whale who killed a trainer earlier this week is finally telling its side of the story with the help of PETA. The water mammal has been used for years as a source of human entertainment and apparently, enough was enough.
A spokesman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had this to say: “As soon as we heard about the alleged incident, we knew we had to get to the whale before the lynch mob and 2nd amendment folks did. Thankfully, we were successful and we can happily say that the entire scene was just a giant misunderstanding.”
“The orca was having a bad day, it was that time of the month for the missus and his fish had been spiked with mercury. Who doesn’t want to kill someone under those circumstances?”
“Of course, it was an overreaction, but the orca is generally sorry and he asks for the forgiveness of the nation as well as the forgiveness of the trainer’s family. Everyone can relax, this is a good killer whale. He was the victim in all of this.”
After the PETA spokesman stepped away from the microphone, the whale itself took the stage with noticeably wet eyes and a tissue under a fin. “I am here today, to say that I am sorry for acting out. I am sorry to the Sea World staff who treat me well and I am sorry to my former trainer and her family.”
“At this time, I would like to take this opportunity to explain my actions. I know now there were a few warning signs and that should’ve been more aware of. The Sea World staff had been feeding me some extra fish on the side in anticipation for the pick-up in tourists. They thought I needed some more energy, but I overheard a couple of the other whales saying the fish had been spiked with some mercury. It’s obvious to me one of them wanted a piece of the limelight, but I’m not going down that easy.”
“Also, I think it’s important to note that my trainer had been pushing me hard lately. I was fine doing the shows, as much during the day as need be, but the practice was wearing me down. Everyday she was cracking the whip and when I didn’t give a hundred percent, she was telling the fat cats in the office.”
“When I sat down with the boss, this is what I told him, ‘We’re sitting here, and I’m supposed to be the franchise player, and we’re talking about practice. I mean listen, we’re sitting here talking about practice, not a show, not a show, not a show, but we’re talking about practice. Not the show that I go out there and die for and play every game like it’s my last, but we’re talking about practice man. How silly is that?’ He agreed with me too.”
“Finally, the missus been cuttin’ me off for the past few weeks. A whale needs what a whale needs and, damn, it was driving me crazy.”
“All of that culminated in my outburst, but I’ve reached an agreement with the people who sign the checks. It’s all been blown up by you guys, the media, and it’s really not as big a deal as you make it out to be. I know none of this excuses my actions, but I am a killer whale. It’s my nature. Thank you and God bless.”
The orca slid off the stage and back into his tank, swimming with a noticeable smile as if the weight of the world had been lifted from his dorsal fin. EJSIC hopes the killer whale finds the inner peace he seeks and that Americans can be forgiving of him.
In a twist of irony, “Will you be there” played over the park’s speaker system as the media members scattered with their new quotes.