Watch out, Raffi! He’s in the bushes!
- As expected, Roger Clemens grabbed his brass bearings and pleaded “not guilty” to perjury charges in a Federal Courthouse on Monday. The prosecution seems pretty confident in their case, so the Rocket may be headed for a black hole.
- It turns out it’s better to make sure what happens in Vegas stays off Twitter when you’re under-age. Marcus Jordan is now part of an illegal gambling probe, following a tweet recounting his Vegas loses. It would have been nice to inherit the basketball skills to go along with the gambling problem, right Marcus?
- Head & Shoulders has insured Troy Polamalu’s signature long black locks for $1 Million. Talk about having a target on your back…
- Let’s all watch Around the Horn uncomfortably discuss the Jay Mariotti arrest. Revel in the awkwardness.
- FedEx founder Fred Smith’s son has been named the starting quarterback for the Memphis Tigers. It’s amazing what a few million dollars can buy you.
- 19 unintentionally terrifying children’s album covers. Ventriloquists must be required to achieve a certain level of creepiness to get their licenses.
- The best anti-Glenn Beck signs at the Glenn Beck rally. Someone get Beelzebub a sandwich.
- A Fox News anchor really know his porn. Skip to the 2:03 mark for the detailed description.
- The Gooch. It’s the dance craze that’s creeping the nation:
That really puts it all in perspective, doesn’t it?
- Japan defeated Hawaii to win the Little League World Series, snapping a 5 year winning streak for the U.S. teams. There’s a joke about Pearl Harbor in there somewhere, but I’m not awake and/or evil enough to make it this morning.
- The “Most Successful Coach in the History of Indiana State University” is in hot water after he busted a press box window at a high school game, showering the crowd below with shards of glass. The coach reportedly decided to “rain pain” on the crowd after the team his son was coaching lost on a two point conversion in the closing seconds.
- Ponzi schemer and former Miami booster Nevin Shapiro is publishing a book where he alleges numerous NCAA violations committed by players at Da U. Considering that all book profits will likely go to the ponzi victims, his sole motivation for releasing the info is bitterness. You’ve got to love that.
- Lance Armstrong has something to tell us, but we have to promise not to get mad. Did you know he beat cancer?
- I give you… The worst baseball cards of all time. Poor Wally Moon should have gotten a separate card for his uni-brow.
- Words of encouragement from 50 Cent.
- Paris Hilton was arrested for cocaine possession over the weekend. What’s the over/under on how long she spends in jail? I say +/- 30 days.
- Hipster dinosaurs brought to you by Crayola. Funny stuff.
- I’m not sure if it’s possible to overdose on Lame, so be careful watching this KU clap instructional video:
Former Major Leaguer Doug Glanville has a great article up on ESPN.com on why a player like Roger Clemens continues to deny PED use, likely, at his own expense. Here’s an excerpt:
Eventually and, inevitably, reality comes down like a judge’s gavel. You’re unmasked, and this time, you can’t take a PED to escape the consequences. Once your career has ended, you have lost all the tools of retaliation for your frustration. You are no longer able to brush back the pesky nine-hole hitter or hit that 450-foot home run and wait for the press to sit on your every word. You are an outsider. Even to yourself.
Everything you dreamed of as a kid and achieved as an adult is about to be lost. Your name is at stake and so is your legacy. So what do you do?
Simple. You answer reporters, the commissioner’s investigators and congressmen with the same answer you’ve always used: “No.”
It’s a great read on a lazy Sunday spent longing for football season to start.
It’s an old adage, to learn from one’s own mistakes. In some cases, it may be more valuable (and less painful) to learn from the mistakes of others.
And what do we learn from a random black guy on YouTube? Don’t dance in the street.
After some consternation, I’ve decided that Flop’s Five Things will be featured weekly instead of nightly. I know I promised I would tuck you all in every night, but the limits of the space time continuum have gotten in the way. Maybe someday… Until then, here are the Five Things I learned this week.
- First off, I learned that Elin Nordgren is either the most innocently naive woman on the planet or she’s just not paying attention. In her interview with People magazine, the blond beauty claims to have had no idea that Tiger was cheating on her. When you consider the fact that El Tigre was basically banging anything with a pulse for about 5 years, including dirty ginger Perkins waitresses, that’s kind of baffling.
- I found out that Jay Mariotti is as big of a douche in real life as he is in print, as the ESPN and AOL Fanhouse personality was arrested for physically assaulting his girlfriend in a hotel lobby. While I obviously can’t say that I’m happy that a woman was abused, the fact that I’ll likely no longer have to see Mariotti’s bloated mackerel face on Around the Horn does bring a gentle wind of peace to my zen garden.
- This week I learned that the Reds are here to stay, if for no other reason than the Cardinals have managed to be even more inept over the past two weeks. Still, with a 4 game lead in the Central with a little over a month left in the regular season, it’s a great time to be a Reds fan. As history has shown us, if you can just get to the playoffs there’s a good chance that you can make it to the World Series in the mediocre National League. It could happen…
- I also learned that 2 fails can cancel each other out. I’m guessing that one of them would have failed a little harder if he’d been driving a car instead of riding a bike, though.
- Finally, I learned that Garfield may actually be more interesting if you take Garfield out of the comic. Poor John Arbuckle. Will he ever be at peace?
I wish you all a short and non-productive Friday and a long, even less productive weekend. See you on Monday.
So, while every single relationship I’ve ever been in has come to an end, they haven’t all ended in such a firey, drunken, rage-filled tantrum. And like I said, I am pretty sure I am not to blame in the least. As some background, a childhood friend of mine from Mexico was getting married so I invited my girlfriend, The Genius. She really was a very smart girl. And she decided not to go with me to a wedding in Mexico.
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I’ve been a part of some truly great breakups. And some that are memorable, but I wasn’t such an asshole. But in some cases, I fail to see how I am in any way responsible. Sure, I have a tendency to exacerbate situations by acting out or doing something so passive aggressive that the girl literally erupts in a firey ball of fury with glowing eyes. Ok, not that literally, but I’ve seen a lot of women display that raw emotion of murderous rage and every time it scares me so badly that I end up with sleep paralysis or actually just some disturbing dreams.
This wedding would be full of my friends from my childhood. But The Genius wanted no part of it. Instead, she planned a weekend at the beach with some of her friends. Needless to say, that raised some red flags for me, but even though I didn’t really trust her motives, I trusted her so I wasn’t going to get in a fight about it. Instead, I made my flight reservations for one.
When that weekend finally rolled around, I flew down to Mexico and The Genius took off for the beach with her friends. We agreed we’d talk if we had cell reception and free time. Since the wedding was full of friends I had known my whole life, I got there on Thursday for a party, then Friday was the rehearsal dinner, and Saturday the wedding and reception. Likewise, The Genius left for the beach on Thursday for four days of drinking and laying on the beach.