I can die a happy man.
Despite not having a membership there, I found myself the other day at Chapel Hill’s “O2 Fitness”, a fancy gym bordering Durham. I had convinced the gym manager that I was interested in a membership, knowing fully well that he’d give me a free week’s pass, after which I would ignore his emails and dodge his phone calls about actually signing up.
So I was doing my usual workout, which is a two part ritual in one part doing extremely impressive exercises that you (the reader) would undoubtedly be incapable of performing, and the other part admiring my reflection in the mirror during rest between sets. But I was not prepared for what was about to occur.
WARNING: Adult content to follow. By reading on, you verify that you are 18 and are consenting to read adult content.
There are moments in life that you will never forget. I will always remember that eleventh grade biology class where we turned the television on to watch footage of the horrifying 9/11 events. And I’ll be damned if the memory of being a part of the generation who helped elect this nation’s first black president will ever escape me. But these were trivial matters in my life in relation to the historic event that was about to take place.
While performing my bicep pose which I have perfected over the years, something caught my eye off in the distance. An otherwise modest looking woman in her mid to late 20′s was standing with her back to me. She stood around 5 foot 4, had dark, curly hair, and was sporting athletic wear. And thank God for that. Because if it weren’t for the stroke of luck in which she was standing in front of the mirror that morning, deciding which lower body athletic clothing to wear and decided to go with the black spandex pants, she would have just been another person at the gym.
But through the serendipitous happenings in that sequence of events in not only wearing the perfect article of clothing to accentuate her prime for pounding ass, but meeting at the gym to help some lard-ass woman lose half her bodyweight, I was able to find Jesus. Yes, I just recently switched my religious standing from “Agnostic” to full out “Ass God Worshipper”, and I can tell you for a FACT that he most definitely DOES exist, and he is great.
Allow me to have the pleasure in illustrating the defining moment and scene of my life.
First off, in describing an ass, one must mention the details of the legs, and these impressive limbs were nothing to scoff at either. These legs told the stories of many miles run, and of many strengthening and conditioning exercises mastered over the years. Two sturdy pine trees in the forest, with their thin but solid trunk, but that sprouts luscious ass cheek branches. Now to move onto the ass itself.
The ass-hams were picturesque in not only their symmetry, but in being at the exact correct mark on the “flat” to “ghetto booty” scale, which is relatively low in my taste. The way that her ass protruded from her remarkable hamstrings allowed for such a beautiful ass to flourish like a seed which had been given the perfect amount of water and sunlight during the full length of its existence. The hind glance revealed a view just so beautiful that the best way I could even attempt to describe it would be to ask you to imagine yourself looking at the stars in a peaceful, dewy field with the one you love, and noticing two planets colliding in the distance. But not in a frightening fashion in which you would fear the destruction of the galaxy. Instead, you just accept it. You have lived a meaningful life in crossing everything off of your bucket list, you just finished making love to your beautiful mate, and there is truly no more to life. In a similar fashion, I accepted the fact that I reached the pinnacle of existence, as I approached this masterpiece, draped in dark. As I moved closer to it, I could swear that gravity was increasing. Not by a substantial amount, but just enough to make you feel good. Or at least that’s what my excuse was for the erection that I was now displaying. I dropped to my knees as I kneeled there, five feet away, and took my iPod out, hurriedly switching to the video feature to capture this perfect presence. The highlight of mankind.
They don’t let me back there anymore.