Here at EJSIC, we had a lengthy debate in the boardroom about whether or not we should celebrate the end of the “aughts” and jump on the “Top 10 Whatevers of the Decade” trend that is currently occupying roughly a 4th of all of cyber-space. The meeting didn’t really decide anything as some Jerks were for it, some were against it, and a couple of them decided their time would be better spent wanging oranges at cars in the parking lot.
So, devoid of any official mandate, I would like to offer up what may or may not be the first in a series of “Decade Recap” posts from various writers here over the next few weeks…here is:
The 10 most Unforgivable Atrocies of the Decade
…in no particular order:
That Chevy Traverse commercial with Howie Long and that freaky red-headed girl (2009) – The stuff of nightmares. I couldn’t sleep for weeks after the first time I saw this commercial. Howie is usually bad enough, but…her. There is nothing cute whatsoever about a small person that can see directly into your soul.
Big Mouth Billy Bass (2000) – Tacky. Funny-for-2-seconds. Annoying. Mildly creepy. In retrospect, there really wasn’t a better harbinger of the 3rd millennium than this novelty singing fish.
Every Eddie Murphy movie (2000-2009) – Not even good performances in Dreamgirls and Shrek could balance out the collective horror that was The Klumps, Dr. Doolittle 2, Daddy Daycare, The Haunted Mansion, Imagine That, Meet Dave, Norbit and The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Eddie is dangerously close to joining his buddy, Michael, on the list of celebrities who died to me long before they actually died.
Scooter (2004-2006) – While Fox Sports continues to this day to successfully alienate intelligent fans of all sports…the height of their pandering to the lowest common denominator-fan had to be the introduction of a talking CGI baseball named Scooter. Scooter forced his way into our living rooms in 2004 during the MLB playoffs. The premise? To simply explain, in a fun and easy to understand manner, the different types of pitches that can be thrown in a baseball game. The result? Annoying the living piss out of everyone that was just trying to watch the game and joining the ranks of this dick as the most irritating animated characters ever.
Train (2001) – Mainstream rockers, Train, assaulted our ears and insulted our imaginations when they released the ubiquitous “Drops of Jupiter” in 2001. The awful cosmic imagery, coupled with references to Mozart, tae-bo and soy lattes all came together in a 4 minute package that was played every 15 minutes on every radio station in America for 2 solid years. It really is a wonder we survived at all.
The Colorado Rockies and the Tampa Bay Rays (2007, 2008) – Both of these teams from the expansion-era 90′s made it to the World Series this decade…and were never heard of again. I’ll freely admit that this is a personal choice based on frustration because when you add the Rockies and the Rays to the World Series-winning Arizona Diamondbacks (2001) and Florida Marlins (1997, 2003), you have 4 franchises that have made it to the World Series…and which didn’t even EXIST the last time my team went to the playoffs. These teams are like the spoiled kid next door who doesn’t even realize how good he has it. You just want to kick him in the knee and steal his bike.
James Blunt (2005) – Do I really need to explain this one?
White Chicks (2004) – This awful, awful movie was so offensive that I’m honestly surprised the Wayans brothers weren’t tried and executed for it. I’m not talking about being offensive in the sense that black people dressed as white people is some sort of double standard wherein if a couple of white guys tried to make the opposite movie, it would be deemed ‘racist.’ No, I’m talking about the fact that this movie is a complete afront to all that is good and true in filmmaking. Terrible idea. Terrible production. Terrible waste of film.
Cavemen (2007) – It was a bad ad campaign that was driven into the ground throughout the decade. “So easy, a caveman can do it” became a tired punchline and the subjects themselves were feebly given lives of their own in a devious plot to make the entire country want to collectively kill itself. So, naturally, the next step for the wizards in Hollywood was to option the characters and make a sitcom. Luckily, the six, disastrous weeks came and went and the cavers were sent back to their 30 second existences. I suppose as long as the gecko doesn’t get his own show, we should just count our blessings.
Crocs (2006) – Say what you will about their comfort (I don’t buy it) or their health and safety benefits (LOL) …these little foam resin foot-tschotskes are, hands down, the ugliest, most annoying pieces of footware ever. They make Uggs look like designer pumps. I’m convinced they should be illegal.