To: Shred Torn, Re: your lack of knowledge of your home state

Is one of these Massengill Award winners actually Shred Torn?

Is one of these Massengill Award winners actually Shred Torn?

Shred, I appreciate your love of your home state. It’s worth noting that I have lived all over this country and chose West Virginia as the place I wanted to settle. Whereas, you grew up in the filthy swill of Jerseytown and then opted to move to the city, joining the legions of people who will go to extremes to live there instead of New Jersey. While I’m also not a fan of New York City, I can certainly appreciate how the city would be better than Jersey.

I’d also like to address your unfounded claims about “To Catch a Predator.” First, almost no research was required to discover that “To Catch a Predator” was first filmed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And, in the history of that show, only one West Virginian has been arrested. He was an art teacher from West Virginia and an embarrassment to our great state. As horrible as that is, there was actually, not one, but two episodes of that show based in New Jersey because there were so many pedophiles in that Eurotrash, disease-breeder of a state that one hour wasn’t enough. Twenty eight people were arrested in New Jersey. But, I will grant you that New Jersey has the 11th largest population of any state, making it somewhat understandable that statistically speaking, it might take several shows to capture all of their predators. Maybe more shame is owned by the sad state of Kentucky, who has seen 29 people arrested on that show.

As far as I know, only one reality show was started for West Virginia. Huntington, West Virginia is apparently the fattest city in the United States and there was a reality show that attempted to get them in shape. Obesity is a nation-wide epidemic and all I can say about how many fatties there are out here is that it makes me look even better.

And I wasn’t trying to mislead you. The interesting fact that I brought up was actually sports related. You might have missed it in your fury, but I showed that the elite college basketball programs have sustained that level of play almost without any assistance from athletes in your state. Rutgers is the opposite, relying solely on in-state talent and just never being competitive.

I’d also like to point out that while George Washington was a terrific general and served America as proudly as any member of our military has. He only had to cross the Delaware River and attack the British in New Jersey because New Jersey pulled a France and surrendered before any battles were fought. If the rest of America had fought as hard as you Jerseyans, we’d all be British today. I’m not sure if you know this, but the Washington family is actually from the Shenandoah/Potomac areas of Virginia and West Virginia. The George Washington National Forest is out here. Charles Town (named for Charles Washington, George’s brother) is along the Shenandoah in West Virginia. Mount Vernon is on the Potomac River just downstream from the confluence with the Shenandoah River.

So, it is essentially this great region of the country that not only rescued New Jersey from their own ineptitude, but also saved America from being Canada. And rather than anger, it should be appreciation. Thank us brave West Virginians for allowing you to get a fake tan.

9 thoughts on “To: Shred Torn, Re: your lack of knowledge of your home state

  1. While all of that America-saving was happening from people of present-day West Virginia, they were Virginians at that time in history. Just trying to keep us all factually accurate here. Otherwise, nice job.

  2. It’s interesting that the state that has given us the highest-rated high school basketball schools since 2005 (according to Scout) also gave us George Washington.

  3. I think Kentucky and Wisconsin should have to sort things out next. Who knew Wisconsin is where “To Catch a Predator” started. What is wrong with those people?

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