Tiger Woods is my Roommate

My new roomate at Pine Grove

So, I’ve written about some of my personal stories before and, while I was hoping to keep it quiet, I did not expect this. I had checked in to Pine Grove willingly trying to get a handle on my sex life. I’ve been hurt at work before, often for sleeping with my boss’ daughter, and once for hitting on her. I took up vineyard management because it keeps me around other Hispanic men and reduces the risks of my sex addiction flaring up. Even then, I’ve resorted to seeking sexual gratification from local nightclubs. Finally, I acknowledged my problem and checked in to Pine Grove.

As I sat on my bed, trying to come to terms with my feelings, in walks Tiger Woods. I obviously knew who he was immediately. I also suspect he knew who I was, but I introduced myself just the same. He was very nice and also experiencing a wide range of emotions. We spoke for a while and then it was time to go to our first gathering on the first day of treatment.

In our conversation, I did learn that Tiger is taking this very seriously. He isn’t trying to win Elin back. That’s a common misconception by ESPN. But that ship has sailed. He’s worried about future financial scares. Women throw themselves at him in ways common people couldn’t imagine (I suspect the nurse was even hitting on him – you should have seen how she smiled at him). Eventually, he’s worried he’ll make a mistake and get sued by some money grubber. I totally understand where he’s coming from. I often try to land wealthy women just to sue them.

I’ll update these reports as they are warranted, but for now, I’d like to tell you a little about where we are. Pine Grove is a fantastic facility. They really take great care to maintain our privacy. We go through intense therapy sessions, group therapy as well as one-on-ones with the doctors. And then we’re given aversion treatment. I think we’re all scared about the therapy and having to open up so much to complete strangers. But we’re really scared about the aversion therapy.

I’ve heard rumors from some of the more senior clients that aversion therapy consists of bringing in local men and women for forced sexual encounters. Alabama women are notoriously unattractive. Toothless, fat, sweaty, and unclean. First, the oral sex. I imagine this will be much more painful for the men in treatment than for the women that are here. It will be perilous. And after the oral sex, if we haven’t become sick or passed out, we’ll be expected to go further. It is said that by sleeping with an Alabama woman, you’ll never sleep with another woman again.

It’s that sort of commitment to curing our sexual addiction that both Tiger and I bring to the table. We’re so serious about being cured that we’re willing to never have sex again.

Mississippi sex rehab – introduce us to local women.

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