Hello friends, this is Small Arms McGee, Sports Czar to President Obama.
As you may know, barring a small miracle, the North Carolina Tar Heels will not be participating in the NCAA Tournament this year. It’s a catastrophe that makes Haiti look no more important than minor annoyances like Hurricane Katrina and that tsunami that happened that time, wherever that was. Who can really remember?
Anyway, to enhance my own personal enjoyment of the 2010 Big Dance, I am offering my support to the fanbase who can make the best argument for why I should support their team during the most wonderful time of the year (Sorry, Christmas, but you know it’s true).
My resume speaks for itself. By my estimation, 1990 was the first year I was old enough to really appreciate how perfect a sporting event the NCAA Tournament is, and it was when I first realized that those guys in baby blue were the people I admired, and that those dorks in dark blue and cow-sexers in red were the enemies.
In 20 years, the team I support has won the tournament thrice. Yes, I said thrice. That’s a 15% chance of winning the tournament that I bring to the table for your team before Selection Sunday even happens. Think about that for a second. Who else can offer you that? Well, I suppose a Duke fan could. But would you really trust a Duke fan with something this important?
So, please, if you care about your team’s happiness, make your case in the comments section below, or by email at email@example.com. I’ll be the biggest fan you’ve ever had (for up to three weeks), and I guarantee a successful and prosperous NCAA Tournament for you and yours. What do you have to lose?
In addition to my temporary yet white-hot affection and support, the winning entry is eligible to win one free item from the Jerk Store. Unfortunately, EJSIC sex toys are not yet available. We hope to have them in stock for The Masters.
Disclaimer: Past performance does not necessarily guarantee future results. Void where prohibited. Not available in Lexington, KY. Not valid with other offers. May cause anal leakage.