I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 42

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
After trashing Peach’s place, Doc showed up and picked up Evil Twin and me. Now we were on our way to Laramie to party with Doc at local Wyoming bars. These bars are as you would expect. They’re as country as country can get. I’ve been out in Nashville. I’ve gone out in Austin. I’ve been drinking in Dallas, Memphis, Charlotte, Atlanta, New Orleans, some shithole in Iowa, and countless backwoods little towns through Appalachia. They have nothing on Laramie.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

There are fake bulls to ride at The Cowboy. There are bars you can go to, where if you’re gay, they’ll drag you out to a field, tie you to a fence and pistol whip you to death (too heartless?). There’s a bar with a big mirror behind it, like many bars across this great nation, the difference is this mirror has bullet holes left in it from a gunfight from several years before. Not like a gangfight – like a cowboy shootout.

So, we started out meeting up with some other kids Doc was working with in grad school. We all met out at the bar with the bullet hole in the mirror. Now, this was the first time that Doc and Evil Twin had hung out together. Evil Twin had come to visit me in Michigan before, but Doc hadn’t come out with us. I think they may have met but just in passing. So, here are two real assholes who have really strong personalities meeting for the first time. When two people have strong personalities, they either get along great, or they are mortal enemies. I got along really well with both of them, and as it turned out, they also got along really well together.

At this point in my life, most nights started off with a round of Southern Comfort, Wild Turkey, or Maker’s Mark. Then we’d drink beer at a break neck pace, with intermittant shots during the night. The goal was to get wasted and hook up if possible. It’s worth pointing out that Evil Twin and I were coming off a fairly successful week of drinking and hooking up with randoms in Denver. Meanwhile, Doc was living with his girlfriend who was dreading our 2am return to their house. So, only two of us would be working that angle, while Doc was notorious for getting drunk and then prodding me and others into making fools of ourselves.

After our shot, we ordered up a bunch of pitchers. That bar was really dead except for all of the grad students. They kind of sucked though, so Doc, Evil Twin, me, and 4 other students – 2 girls and 2 guys – went on to The Cowboy. The Cowboy has a bull you can ride for a small fee. That was clearly the highlight of the night. Immediately upon our arrival, stumbling in to a new bar, we went to the bar, ordered shots, ordered beers, and then started riding a bull. We were far too drunk to stay on and realy just humiliated ourselves in front of the people who actually had ridden a bull and could stay on. I considered it a win that we didn’t vomit.

And upon getting off of the bull, I knew it was time to try getting some. Evil Twin was getting ready to go for another ride and Doc was sitting on a bench drinking his beer. About 5 feet down that bench, there was a pretty attractive girl. So, I sat beside Doc, but started talking to the girl. She seemed open to my advances. At least she didn’t turn and run. She was there with her sister. Her fat sister. I was definitely slurring my speech though, so I had one option – get her to my level of drunkenness. So, I offered to get them some drinks. Then Evil Twin got back. He was also interested in the only attractive girl at the bar who had paid us any mind. So, we both started trying to prove that we were the funniest. We can be very amusing.

So, as the night went on, we ordered more shots, tons more beer, and we were all wasted. We also rode the bull a few more times. At one point, I’m pretty sure I was on that thing for fewer than 4 seconds. And then the skinny girl and her fat sister decided to give us a “sexy” bullride. This is when two girls get on the bull and it moves real slowly while they moan and act like it’s pleasurable. And when it’s two sisters, it’s weird and hot at the same time – even when one of them is a fatty.

After the ride, I decided to make my move. They had called last call, so I asked them if they wanted to watch a movie or something after we leave the bar. They were down with it. I was in and Evil Twin was getting left out. So, I was going back to their house while Evil Twin and Doc went back to Doc’s place. But, while walking to the door, Doc grabbed the fat chick’s hand and as she turned to him, he pulled her close and whispered, “Make sure Jose fucks the shit out of your sister.”

And I was effectively cock blocked. I had heard him say it and knew it was classless, but I was hoping I could get through it. But the second we walked in their house, the fat sister grabbed the skinny one and they went to the bathroom together. I sat on the couch and picked the movie out of their collection that we had decided to watch. I was sitting on the couch and there was also a chair in the room. But when they came out of the bathroom, the game had changed. The fat girl sat next to me on the couch and the skinny one sat in the chair. I offered to get them some water and then tried to find a way to sit next to the skinny girl, but there was no way and she wasn’t making any room in that chair for me. Doc had ruined it.

To make matters worse, I was stuck at some chick’s house with no idea where in this strange town I was. They were theoretically my ride home, but that was when I thought we’d be on better, naked terms in the morning. Now we were on different terms. I’d have to call Doc and get a ride in the morning. And to make it all worse, they went to church in the morning.

I told them I’d walk back to Doc’s but after I rounded the corner, I called Doc and told him about my predicament. He laughed and took a lot of pride in his block. He said he’d come get me but it would be a little while – I was across town and they were having breakfast. I sat down on the curb and went over how the night had played out over and over again. After plenty of review, I could have done some things differently, but the real blow was Doc’s well timed comment.

One thought on “I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 42

  1. Pingback: I’ve Been Experienced: Table of Contents | The Elitist Jerks' Sports Information Collective

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