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While I was in grad school, my life became much less social. I spent time with other biologists both in and out of class. I spent time doing research. I spent time in the library. I spent time writing my thesis. But I spent very little time trying to pick up women. And on the nights I would go out, I hadn’t drank in so long that I tended to get pretty messed up – and then go try to work my magic.

It turns out, college girls aren’t all that impressed by a 24 year old drunk who can’t even slur out some tired pick up line. I don’t actually use “lines.” You know, licking your finger and wiping it on her shoulder and yours, followed by, “why don’t you and me get out of these wet clothes?” Or “The word of the day is legs, let’s get out of here and spread the word.” Or “Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call her when I met the girl of my dreams.” Or “Do your legs hurt? They should, because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture. I’ve never used one of those…

But anyway, what I usually do is walk up to a girl I want to make out with and start talking to her. My best asset is certainly my looks, though I’m convinced I’m smoother than guys that rely completely on their looks. I’ll usually start with casual small talk. I try to gauge her interest level and ask appropriate questions. If she’s really skeptical of this stranger who just started talking to her, I’ll make a bunch of jokes to see if I can make her more comfortable and convince her I’m innocent. If she’s got that look like she wants it bad, I won’t joke with her too much, I’ll just get right to it with the flattery and blatant sex talk.

But, for the girl that I really want to hook up with, if she’s not sure, I’ve got to convince her that I’m safe and innocent. If she thinks scamming on girls is all I do, she won’t want to just be another notch. However, if she thinks you’re funny and thinks you think she’s special, well, then you could have an awkward silent walk back to her place (always her place) and still get it.

But, that was college. That was when things were easy – I was throwing the parties, I was surrounded by people I had known for years (when hitting on a girl, it’s fantastic if other girls are trying to pry you away), and if I was stumbling drunk, it was a party so most everyone was. But in grad school, I only drank at grad school parties (even the best ones were lame) or at bars. In both situations, you can’t be too drunk because the girls you are hitting on are older and wiser.

I like to think of women as fish. You can catch a ton of 12 to 16 inch bass in a lake with a healthy population – not because there are more of them but because they’re still young and stupid. I once caught a 16 inch bass using chewing gum as bait. And I’ve hooked up with girls in college by grinding them on a dance floor without speaking a word. But if you want to catch a 20+ inch fish (a girl over 21), you’ve got to really work the bait. There has to be some substance to your come on. They’ve seen all of the lures before. And being too drunk is like throwing rocks at your lure as it moves through the water.

Now, I’m not trying to paint my grad school life as celebate. I hooked up plenty but usually with other grad students. But I was sober for those and the girls were all respectable. The thing I like about a one nighter is how disrespectful it is. It’s like a game (really just like fishing – a sport). I like the interactions and the challenge and if I can make it competitive with a buddy, then it’s the most fun I can have.

So,it turns out I was more concerned with drinking in my free time than getting some stupid college girl strange. This is even true for the nights I would go out looking for it at bars. It didn’t help that most of the bars had drinks for between $0.25 and $1.50. Yeah – that’s a quarter. I could get plowed before any girls even showed up to the bars.

On this night up in Michigan, a bunch of us had gone out drinking and I had become drunk enough to be encouragable. I may have made that word up, but I don’t mean incorrigible. I mean, they’d pick out a girl, push me in that direction, and watch my failure unfold with only a little bit of encouragement spent on their part.

They were having a grand time and I had struck out two or three times. I was stumbling back to our table, crossing the dance floor, when I was suddenly swallowed up by dancers and just got stuck out there. And that is the back story to the events that ensued. I was drunk. I make bad decisions. And my buddies had gotten me into the mood to make out with a chick, but I was clearly unable to pull the woo. And at that point, the goggles kicked in.

I started dancing in a weak and somewhat comical manner. I’m not much of a dancer anyway, and when I can barely walk, my dance moves are limited to shaking my leg, doing the lawn mower, and maybe the shopping cart. I’m just not much of a dancer. If I can find a girl that will tolerate it, I just rub my groin on her ass. That’s really my best move.

So, I’m out there dancing with nobody in particular and the crowd starts thinning a little. I try to be selective – trying to pick out which girl is dancing with a guy and which girls are dancing with a group of girls. Infiltrating a group of girls is the kiss of death – you’ll make awesome progress but then one of her friends will “save her” before she leaves with me. I needed someone who was at least independent enough to be out there alone, even if she was with a bunch of girls by the bar. And there she was.

There was this hippie girl, dancing in the middle of the floor, not a care in the world, just having a good time. Alone. I set my sights and moved in. I didn’t talk – I couldn’t. Just danced. She seemed pleased with my completely non-threatening stumbling. And the music was too loud to reveal that I was wasted. And my dancing ability is such that staggering is indiscernable from my other shaking.

But this wasn’t a hot girl. She had a gap between her front teeth. Big enough for my goggles to notice it. She had clean hair, but it still looked trashy. She was wearing a dress and I was sure that was all. The nipple protrusions in the front made it clear there was no bra. And she was a bigger girl – maybe 5’7 140. Not fat, but chunky. She did have a nice complexion and when she wasn’t smiling, her face looked normal.

And we kept dancing. Probably for like a half hour. Then I decided I wanted to drink more, said something to the effect that I would be right back, and stumbled back to the bar to meet my friends and drink more beer. At this point, they were thoroughly amused and had shifted from enjoying seeing me get shot down to really wanting to see me take this nasty thing home. All kinds of encouragement – liquid and verbal. And after two or three more beers over about 25 minutes, I was back on the floor, in even better form, and this thing was all but sealed. Apparently, the fact that I had left and come back meant it was on.

Now there was dirty dancing, grinding, I was behind her, I could feel her stomach rolls, I knew it was wrong, but I wasn’t driving the car anymore. I was in cruise control and just wanted to get a nut off. After a few more songs, she was leaving. She asked if I wanted a ride, and in the last opportunity to avoid making a mistake, I said, “Yes I do.” And out we walked, right past my friends who were laughing then and still laugh about it to this day.

She and her sister drove me back to my house and helped me get in. We hung out in my living room for a bit – mostly them talking while I sat there trying to keep up. My living room was about 15×15 and had a couch along one wall and the television on the opposite wall. Beside the TV, also on the wall opposite the couch was the door to my bedroom. To the right of the couch, left of the TV was a large entryway to the kitchen. On the other side of the couch and TV was another wall with the front door and a large bay window. Under the bay window was a love seat. I was sitting in the love seat beside the hippie chick and her sister was sitting on the couch, at the corner where the two were touching. And then they started talking about where they lived – just two blocks away and decided that her sister was ready to leave, so the hippie would walk home in a little bit.

I’ll be honest, I thought I was going to sleep with both of them. The sister was thinner but her face wasn’t as nice. And they seemed just trashy enough that if there ever was a real-life sister combo that would double team a guy, these were them. But as the one sister walked out, the other leaned over for our first kiss. Normally, this would be romantic, but really it was no different than her saying, “now that we’re alone, I’m ready to fuck.”

At this point, it’s probably time for several disclaimers. First, the rest of this story is graphic, so don’t read it if you can’t handle graphic sexual detail or are under the age of 18. Second, I have never talked about what happened that night with anyone. My friends assume she and I slept together, but I was unwilling to admit to anything – despite the weeks of interrogation I received.

So, I understood that kiss – it was loud and clear. We kissed for like 5 more seconds, before I was working that dress up and over her head. And sure as shit, she wasn’t wearing anything else. She had huge tits – and they were actually pretty nice. So often, with large breasts, you run the risk of huge areolas, or poor form to the breast as it sags under its own weight. But these were firm and they had small areolas with a good solid nipple to play with.

I’m a nipple and ass man. I don’t care about the size of the breast nearly as much as I care about the quality of the nipple. And these were quality nipples. So, this hookup, despite the dumpy body, was going pretty well. Her ass was nothing to speak of, but that really didn’t matter as long as she didn’t walk away from me naked. Otherwise, there are all kinds of positions to get a girl into that stretches her ass out and hides its imperfections.

So now she is on her back on the loveseat and I’m on my knees on the floor beside the loveseat. Once this girl was naked, I worked my way down her body to my old reliable – I’m good at oral sex. And when you do something that women like, and you do it well, and you like doing it, you do if often. But this chick, as I’ve found for almost all one nighters, smelled and tasted pretty bad. So, my cure for that is to quietly drop a bunch of spit in there to dilute the bad juices. And even the dilution was ineffective. But that’s cool – there’s more to a girl that I can lick. As a general rule, if you’re dealing with a dirty vagina, don’t expect the ass to be any cleaner. But in my state, that was the next logical place to lick. And so I grabbed her behind her knees and lifted her massive body. She rolled back easily, exposing a big ole butt – and I moved in and started licking it. And it was all sweaty and had a taste to it that I was unfamiliar with. I’m sure it must have been poo. What else could it have been? So, I tried the same technique – I spat in there and mixed it around and sure enough, I couldn’t taste anything anymore. And after a little more butt licking I mounted up.

Now, I’ve stressed before that you never take a one night stand back to your house and this is always true. The only good news was that being at my house, I had access to condoms. So I put one on and started railing this girl on the couch. I was drunk, so there wasn’t much sensation anyway. But then I had on a condom, so I could feel even less. And the way her body jiggled with each thrust wasn’t agreeing with me either, so I decided to pull her off the loveseat and get her doggy style. You can position a girl pretty well to hide a lot of flaws in that position and a jiggly ass is much better than a jiggly stomach. Plus, she had nice breasts and I’d like to see those things get to swinging once I got a rythm going.

So, I got her doggy style and tucked her knees far forward to stretch her ass skin out and tighten it up. It worked like a charm and I was into it again. I started getting my fingers in her butt while we were having sex – first one, then another. It seemed pretty well stretched out, so I decided to go for it. I pulled out and went right back in the high hole. It was more than accommodating. A girl that size probably takes dumps as big around as a pringles can. My dick on the other hand is about the same diameter as the tube that holds paper towel rolls, so it slid easily in. Knowing that my readers deserve nothing short of accurate reporting of these encounters, I just had to walk all over the house to find something inanimate to avoid having to arouse myself and then measure my circumference.

So, now she’s ok with me doing my favorite one night stand move and I love me some anal, so this was going really well. I could pull out and then dive right back in and between all the spit and the condom, it was really well lubed up. And after the bad experience of inflicting butt pain on an Asian girl that forced my intercourse short, I decided I’d keep a quick pace going to make sure I got to finish. But this was like a good porn, so I wanted to take my time and enjoy it and still finish. I figured an hour tops. And it didn’t take that long. What did it for me was when I started pulling out and going back in between the high and low holes. It was nothing I had ever experienced before and the sensation coupled with the visual was the end of my night.

When I was done, I pulled off the condom and carried it to the trash can. She was still on all fours though her ass was no longer sticking straight up in the air when I came back. I told her I had a busy day the next day and that I needed to get some sleep. I asked if she wanted a ride home but she said she could walk the two blocks. I gave her the dress and she slid it back on. Then she got up, kissed my cheek, and walked out the front door.

Now, the reason I tell you it is so important to only have these encounters at the girl’s place and to NEVER let them know where you live is because if you sleep with a chick one time, she’ll want it again and again. And since we only lived two blocks apart, she showed up a number of times to see if I wanted to “hang out.” So, take this as a “how to” for one night stands – always go to her place and always get a buddy to pick you up, walk home, or have her drop you off at a stranger’s house at least 5 blocks away from your house. Otherwise, you may have to move. Or you’ll end up with a girl who drops by randomly and that may compromise your next one night stand.