Bookmark it.
The Table of Contents is your portal to all stories Jose. I’ll continue to add to this list as I write more stories.
The Return of Greatness: The story of how a once embarrassing story line came to be and some new information about how it is revived.
Chapter 1: Evil Twin and I make our way from Denver to Laramie, Wyoming but stop in Boulder to get destructively drunk.
Chapter 2: I go to a party at a buddy’s house and I lost my mind on some acid.
Chapter 3: I take a trip to Spain, offend the locals, and end up staring Spanish prison in the face.
Chapter 4: I throw a party, get kicked out of it, crash at my buddy’s place with his parents permission, and suddenly, I’m waking up to a trigger happy cop and several felony counts.
Chapter 5: High school kids make bad decisions and I was no exception, but messing with the DEA and risking time in pound-you-in-the-ass prison is pretty much a low. Mind you, not a personal low.
Chapter 6: As a freshman in college, the police raided a bar I was drinking in while underage and the scene that ensued made me a minor celebrity on campus.
Chapter 7: I spend most of my 21st birthday at a dive bar flirting with a cougar but then I got out of hand and the police decided I wasn’t fit to go home. Ok, I did, but nonetheless, I didn’t go home.
Chapter 8: Irish and I drink far too much, but it’s not until morning when I found out how far over the line he went.
Chapter 9: My car broke down at the corner of Iowa, Nebraska, and Missouri when I was moving to Idaho to start my career working in the potato fields.
Chapter 10: I get surprised by a black bear on the Appalachian Trail. Unfortunately, I failed to notice her two cubs I had walked in front of until it was too late to get out of that situation.
Chapter 11: I take two girls out on a canoe to do some fishing and successfully lodge a hook in my thumb bone and have to cut it out with my deer knife. It may not be intuitive, but the scene that unfolded was hilarious.
Chapter 12: I take Evil Twin out to a bar in Idaho and after drinking our fill, he convinces me to misbehave in public in a manner that draws the ire of the police.
Chapter 13: Is it any surprise that when Evil Twin and I drive across the country on a brewery and National Park tour that we’d end up in Border Patrol custody….twice?
Chapter 14: Evil Twin and I shoot pool while pretending to be women’s tennis players to piss off some Michigan hockey players who were picking on our buddy.
Chapter 15: I took a second job in Idaho thinking I might have a new career, but instead I am forced into retirement.
Chapter 16: I poop my pants in El Prado Museum on a school tour. It seems Montezuma was on the wrong continent that day.
Chapter 17: Have you ever gotten so drunk that you did something out of character, like drive? And then wake up, assuming you wouldn’t do something like that only to call the cops and tell them about it? Yeah…
Chapter 18: I take the dogs jogging on a Saturday morning in California after a night of drinking, but I misjudge how badly I need to use the bathroom and end up with a mess on my hands…and back, and leg, etc.
Chapter 19: This is a solid lesson for kids in college not to mention a fond memory of some love in an elevator and a morning surprise.
Chapter 20: My college graduation party gets completely out of hand. Police, fire engines, near train wrecks, tow trucks, news crews, and intentionally destroying my cousin’s car.
Chapter 21: I’m fooling around with my high school girlfriend and her parents interrupt us. But no worries, I tell the secrets of going from naked to fully dressed in under 5 seconds.
Chapter 22: My buddies laugh at me while a giant girl takes advantage of me.
Chapter 23: I’m drinking after Homecoming in high school. I get a bad taste in my mouth and need some chewing gum. Then, I’m lured outside and raped.
Chapter 24: I’m pursued by a cougar through my buddy’s dorm complex. And the story involves a duck walk.
Chapter 25: I go to a party with Evil Twin where I play the wing man to perfection. Only he struck out and I got raped.
Chapter 26: Helen Hunt and I take a break just in time for me to sleep with Dirty without the guilty conscience. The next morning, Helen Hunt and I make up before I’ve had a chance to shower off the evidence.
Chapter 27: I dump Lovely Lisa and she goes and makes an incredible scene at my favorite watering hole.
Chapter 28: My worst break up ever, likely because I was living with her at the time. But I’m still young…
Chapter 29: I visit Helen Hunt at her mom’s place during a family reunion and we end up having sex on her deck in front of them.
Chapter 30: I backdoor some random Asian chick for 4 hours.
Chapter 31: The cervical biopsy incident.
Chapter 32: My folks bust me with two different girls in the same day.
Chapter 33: Is intercourse ever worth risking your life for? It may have been this time.
Chapter 34: The most awkward sexual experience of my life.
Chapter 35: I go to a bar with a DJ friend of mine for his gig and do a bride-to-be in a filthy, back alley bathroom. And people wonder why I refuse to believe in an afterlife.
Chapter 36: New Year’s Day bowl games on the West Coast. 8:00am start time? Hung over? At Hooters? You know what happens.
Chapter 37: I nearly drown when I pass out drunk at a bluegrass festival in the middle of the woods in Alaska.
Chapter 38: I stay over at this hot chick’s place for the first time and she invites her super hot friend to stay there with us. In the same bed!
Chapter 39: I take a girl to meet my family in NC and then a UNC basketball game. One problem, I need to poop myself on the walk home.
Chapter 40: The most horrible and disgusting story about a one night stand that needs to be told on the internet.
Chapter 41: I get busted selling LSD and apparently, the law frowns on that.
Chapter 42: Doc cock blocks me right as I’m leaving the bar with a girl.
Chapter 43: I ruin our softball season with a misguided relationship with one of my teammates.
Chapter 44: I get myself into a trailer trash skirmish in a battle for a hot chick at the vineyard.
Chapter 45: I get a ride home from an underage girl at a local bar and things get pretty wild.
Chapter 46: The night after that ride home, I met up with her again, but this time I made her cry.
Chapter 47: All-Star saves my life when a copperhead strikes at me deep in the woods on a fishing trip.
Chapter 48: The King and I break the only rule laid down at a New Year’s party. It’s a bad scene on the border of a naval base.
Chapter 49: I go mountain biking after eating a pizza and have some stomach issues. What comes out is so surprising, I needed to poke it with a stick.
Chapter 50: I survive a near-death experience on a flight over Lake Michigan.
Chapter 51: I take the awkwardness of a first date to an entirely new level.
Chapter 52: I turn Helen Hunt into a zombie.
Chapter 53: I dump an immature girl who had a strange view of her self worth.
Chapter 54: I head out looking for elk antlers with a friend and the dogs and end up in a scary run in with a bobcat.
Chapter 55: I date a co-worker amongst others and bring her back to my place to do everything but make an office baby.
Chapter 56: The King and I drop acid and then all hell breaks loose.
Chapter 57: I go to a wedding while my girlfriend goes on a girl’s weekend to the beach. It’s not surprising that we broke up, but how we broke up may have been.
[...] Table of Contents Some stories are shorter than others, but that really doesn’t make them any less funny. I think all guys go through a stage. No, I hope all guys go through a stage where they read about funny sexual acts (use some common sense and realize that nothing in these links is safe for work, but if you visit, look around – it’s amusing) like “the Abe Lincoln (#93 – I chose this link for the list),” “dirty sanchez,” “the houdini, “the dog in a bathtub,” or “the zombie.” Because if most guys don’t read about them and laugh, then I’m a worse human being than I originally thought. [...]
[...] Table of Contents I’ve dated a few girls. And I have always been able to be pretty picky about who I date. Life in the UP presented a different set of hurdles. Women don’t live in the UP. The population is about 70% male. Now, not all of those males are winners, so it’s maybe not that bad. But at the same time, a lot of the women were bear-like. So, maybe it was worse than I’m describing. [...]
[...] Table of Contents When I lived in Idaho, I’d spend my summers mountain biking. I’d usually save hiking for bad weather or looking for antlers. So, if it was March, that meant I was either drinking by a warm fire or out hiking (or snowshoeing if enough had fallen). And on the day of this story, my buddy, Idawhore, called me up and asked if I wanted to take the dogs up into the mountains to trail some elk and see if we couldn’t find any fresh antler sheds. I should also note that the only way this guy was given this name is because he has slept with more women than almost everyone else I know combined. [...]
[...] Table of Contents When I lived in Idaho, I’d spend my summers mountain biking. I’d usually save hiking for bad weather or looking for antlers. So, if it was March, that meant I was either drinking by a warm fire or out hiking (or snowshoeing if enough had fallen). And on the day of this story, my buddy, Idawhore, called me up and asked if I wanted to take the dogs up into the mountains to trail some elk and see if we couldn’t find any fresh antler sheds. I should also note that the only way this guy was given this name is because he has slept with more women than almost everyone else I know combined. [...]
[...] Table of Contents Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen. reddit_url = http://elitistjerksports.com/?p=8903;reddit_title = I%27ve+Been+Experienced%3A+Chapter+63;reddit_newwindow='1';Share [...]
[...] Table of Contents Shortly after moving to West Virginia, I had a few girls who were interested in the Kortez cock. They were all pretty hot and smart, so I had a decision to make. I don’t get into a relationship with a girl unless she meets those two criteria. There’s other stuff that matters too, like sense of humor, consideration, hygeine, etc. But anyway, it’s rare to find smart, hot women, but to find a bunch of them, interested in a guy who behaves like I do, was unprecedented. So, I tried to keep things pretty low key while I weighed the pros and cons of being with each of them. But while I was doing that, which took about 4 months, I was dating them all. [...]
[...] Table of Contents Shortly after moving to West Virginia, I had a few girls who were interested in the Kortez cock. They were all pretty hot and smart, so I had a decision to make. I don’t get into a relationship with a girl unless she meets those two criteria. There’s other stuff that matters too, like sense of humor, consideration, hygeine, etc. But anyway, it’s rare to find smart, hot women, but to find a bunch of them, interested in a guy who behaves like I do, was unprecedented. So, I tried to keep things pretty low key while I weighed the pros and cons of being with each of them. But while I was doing that, which took about 4 months, I was dating them all. [...]
[...] Table of Contents I’ve been a part of some truly great breakups. And some that are memorable, but I wasn’t such an asshole. But in some cases, I fail to see how I am in any way responsible. Sure, I have a tendency to exacerbate situations by acting out or doing something so passive aggressive that the girl literally erupts in a firey ball of fury with glowing eyes. Ok, not that literally, but I’ve seen a lot of women display that raw emotion of murderous rage and every time it scares me so badly that I end up with sleep paralysis or actually just some disturbing dreams. [...]
[...] Table of Contents I’ve been a part of some truly great breakups. And some that are memorable, but I wasn’t such an asshole. But in some cases, I fail to see how I am in any way responsible. Sure, I have a tendency to exacerbate situations by acting out or doing something so passive aggressive that the girl literally erupts in a firey ball of fury with glowing eyes. Ok, not that literally, but I’ve seen a lot of women display that raw emotion of murderous rage and every time it scares me so badly that I end up with sleep paralysis or actually just some disturbing dreams. [...]