If I could teach my penis to park a car, I might never leave the house.

• The Heat’s Big 3 debuted with a loss to the last Big 3 in the Celtics. I guess that voodoo curse must be working.
• Speaking of Bron-Bron, the Witness banner is being replaced with a Sherwin-Williams ad featuring all 4 of the buildings in Cleveland.
• Jeff Fisher, private eye, goes clubbing in Nashville.
• Apparently, a Notre Dame football player stomped on the stomach of a Navy player during the Irish’s embarrassing loss to the Midshipmen over the weekend. As you might expect, Brian Kelly doesn’t see what all the fuss is about.
• The top 40 passive-aggressive parking notes. It’s hilarious how even parking notes can get political.
• The government lost control of about 50 nuclear missiles over the weekend. No big deal, right?
• It’s Illegal to let babies smoke weed, right?