Meet The Jerks

This blog was created through the hard work, sweat and toil of a select group of dedicated and talented individuals. It’s too bad they all found better jobs. Anyway, here’s what’s left…

Flop Floppenhauffer, Executive Director of Direction/Armchair Artist

Flop Floppenhauffer was born a poor black child in the barren wasteland of central Kentucky. He has spent his days aimlessly wandering the interweb, feeling out of place and slightly agitated. Despite these obvious handicaps, Flop somehow managed to go to Art School, and now he thinks he can draw. Try to humor him.

Small Arms McGee, Consigliere

Small Arms McGee began his literary career with submissions to Reader’s Digest, Ladies’ Home Journal, Highlights, JET, and Penthouse Forum.  While none of his submissions were technically “published” per se, his rejection letters were almost always personalized.  With the advent of the blogosphere – and more importantly its wholesale lack of persnickety editors – McGee has found a more suitable home for his particular brand of guerilla loquacity.

McGee is passionate about sports, music, guitars, BBQ, government waste, and is pretty good at discerning lesbians and toupees.  We think McGee’s wide-ranging interests (and unfounded arrogance) will bring a unique perspective to EJSIC.  Please feel free to contact him with ideas, topics, questions, or awkward sexual advances.

Al Kenmore, Wit of the First Order

Aspiring chick literature novelist Alison “Al” Kenmore is the daughter of a second-generation Polish sheet metal welder and a southern belle descended from one of the original settlers of Jamestown, VA. She changed her last name to Kenmore after years of being taunted about her real last name, Krznmyczenski. This has led to her irrational hatred of Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski, the Duke men’s basketball team and, more recently, tea baggers. It also led her to keep that surname after her marriage to French polo star Maurice Chemy.

Al’s dream was to be a stand-up comedienne, but, after not making the cut for the 2007 season of “America’s Got Talent,” she decided to become a humor critic and work on a novel. Now that her children are grown, she has replaced their childish art works on her refrigerator with humorous comments, which has led to the creation of Al’s tFridge rating system. Al is a graduate of UNC and for that reason considers herself to be an expert on men’s basketball and pop culture–and everything else.

Jose Kortez, International Person of Interest

This truly is the land of opportunity.  Let me tell you a bit about my life.  I came to America at 13 to work in the agricultural fields.  I’ve lived all over this great country and finally settled on a home in West Virginia.  Pretty much everywhere I’ve ever been, people have compared me to an ethnic Mr. Bean.  Now I pick grapes in local vineyards.  I’ve got a way with the ladies.  I think it’s my natural pheromones, but when they’re not working, I usually tell women I’m a doctor.

Vagabond Joe, Man With Umbrella

Vagabond Joe is a freelance writer and part-time hobo.  Originally from the great state of Kansas, he has spent his life wandering the earth in search of truth and ridiculousness.  Vagabond Joe is proud to be making his major blogging debut with EJSIC.  Favorite roles in the past include REGIONAL: Waiting For Godot (Boy); The Crucible (Hamburger Salesman); As You Like It (Touchstone); Weekend at Bernie’s: The Musical (Larry) OFF-BROADWAY: That’s ANT-ertainment (Romulus) LONDON: Sunday In The Park With George (OrchLeft, Row P,Seat 2).  He would like to thank his parents for their undying support and for buying him all those Legos. This performance is dedicated to the loving memory of Chachi.  We miss you, buddy.

Michael Street, Professional Gentleman of Leisure

Michael Street is an avid fan of baseball, football, and basketball. In fact, the only one of the big four American sports he does not like is hockey which he attributes to an upbringing in the South where ice, negative temperatures, and Canadians are rarely found. He spends his days glued to his three televisions and rarely ventures from the man cave.

The Sensei, Often Wrong But Never In Doubt

The Sensei is a small time rapist with a big time heart. And you’re damn right he stole that tag from either Shred Torn or Peno Noir, but he posts more than those Jerks do and America is nothing if not a nation of quantity. The Sensei was born in the People’s Republic of San Francisco with a silver spoon firmly lodged in his mouth, and he has worked hard to hold it there. His three greatest fears are failure, rejection, and responsibility. In related news, he is single. The Sensei enjoys college football, college basketball, and World Cup Soccer and feels that professional sports and Sean Hannity are responsible for the death of the American Dream. If you want to reach the Sensei, get a fucking life and stop getting worked up about the musings of anonymous people on the internet.

Additionally, guest writers do stop by from time to time. If you think you’re good enough, or just enjoy pain and humiliation, feel free to send us a sample piece. You may just be the type of jerk we’re looking for.