I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 45

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I’ve said before that I’m a horrible person. I’ve also said that I make really bad decisions. But sometimes in life, I do something that truly brings to light both my questionable morals as well as my poor decision making. And this was the case for about a three day period of my life in Michigan, which will be the focus of the next two chapters. At this point, I wasn’t even an alcoholic anymore, just a short-term man whore.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Every town has a bar that lets in young riff raff. People who might appear to barely be 21 and therefore don’t bother to ask. And when a guy like me goes to a bar like that, I never ask how old a girl is because it’s her responsibility to obey the laws of the state of Michigan. And at the beginning of this story, we’ll join my evening in progress on a normal Thursday night at my favorite local dive bar. They were the only bar in town that served Guinness but for whatever reason, the place was always empty and beer was filthy cheap. So, on any given night, you might find me in there either drinking a Guinness before heading to bed or drinking a cheap beer in an effort to get blindly wasted to forget all of the stress that comes with graduate school.

And eventhough I was single, I spent most of my time at this bar belly up to the counter, in the seat nearest the beer dispenser, sometimes talking to friends, sometimes to the bartender, but rarely trying to seduce anyone. Mostly because, like most dive bars, you go there for the cheap beers and the solitude, not the wrinkly, haggish, old cougars that are drinking away the rest of their complexion and chain smoking so much that their skin literally changes color. The bartender was pretty hot. And while I’ve been known to dip my pen in company ink, I would never sleep with a bartender at my favorite bar because that’s got to be the stupidest thing a person could do. So, most of my nights there were spent in a quiet stupor.

But on this Thursday night, there was a band and a lot of people in the place.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 55

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Shortly after moving to West Virginia, I had a few girls who were interested in the Kortez cock. They were all pretty hot and smart, so I had a decision to make. I don’t get into a relationship with a girl unless she meets those two criteria. There’s other stuff that matters too, like sense of humor, consideration, hygeine, etc. But anyway, it’s rare to find smart, hot women, but to find a bunch of them, interested in a guy who behaves like I do, was unprecedented. So, I tried to keep things pretty low key while I weighed the pros and cons of being with each of them. But while I was doing that, which took about 4 months, I was dating them all.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Not surprisingly, when I told them all about the others, it really didn’t go over well. And while all of them were pissed, somehow my infidelity early in the relationship wasn’t an immediate deal breaker. I assume it’s either because I’m that awesome or because the pot of available men shrinks considerably outside of college.

Now, one of the girls was actually a co-worker. Everyone says this is a bad idea and not to get involved with co-workers, blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m here to say that we still talk and get along fine despite me causing some tears along the way and most importantly, she gave me a few months of great sex before we broke up.

You see, she would drive out to my place, which is an easy half hour from the nearest town and was about an hour from her house. And when she’d get there, we’d usually party for a while before turning in. This was in the late summer/early fall so we’d have a bonfire and a few beers and then most importantly, we’d have great sex. But the sex wouldn’t happen until everyone had left the bonfire and gone home for the night.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 44

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I am full of tragic mistakes. I’ve lived the better part of my life making some of the worst decisions known to man. I’m pretty much recording the highlights here. But the great thing about being young and stupid is that I’m not done creating new stories. It’s fun recounting the dumb shit I did in high school and college and grad school and the states I’ve lived in since then, but sometimes it’s also fun to recount the unbelievable situations I’m getting myself into this minute.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I live in a sparsely populated neighborhood adjacent to the vineyard I work at. There are a few other houses near the vineyard, but I’m the only one that lives and works there. But the people I’ve met there are really great. I get along with them and likewise, they get along with me. We’ll hang out on the weekends and typically drink more than adults should, but what the hell, we live at a vineyard.

As I’ve met more people in the neighborhood, there are some that I’ve become good friends with and some that seem to like the fact that they live far from people and don’t want to get to know me. The few friends I have in the neighborhood, I hang out with on occasion, either having bonfires, going to concerts, or just getting together for drinks from time to time.

About a year ago, I met this girl, The Neighbor, who is a few years younger than me who lives about 5 houses and a half a mile from my house. She was next door and I ran in to her while she was outside. Introductions were made and that was it. I had been dating a girl for about 2 years at the time who we’ll call The Genius. And The Neighbor had a boyfriend of maybe 2 and a half years. She was smoking hot, but then so was my girlfriend, so there wasn’t much to think about. But I’d see her from time to time and we’d talk more and more, getting to know each other better. Somehow, every time I ran into her, my girlfriend and her boyfriend were both doing something else, so we always ended up talking one on one.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 24

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Near Thanksgiving of my senior year of high school, I decided to head off for my first real foray into college life – to spend an entire weekend living the dream. Eating cafeteria food. Drinking 18 hours a day. Exposing myself to an older, more experienced class of women. My friend, with the artistic mother and the house made for an acid test, was a year older than me. We’ll call him “Captain Kung Fu.” So he was now living on his own, surrounded by unsupervised young adults.

Now, maybe I’m sheltered, but a lot of people in our high school weren’t really spending much time on college campuses during our senior year. My friend, we’ll call him “Tree” had a cousin going to college in our town. While I had nothing in common with Tree’s cousin, he could get us in to all kinds of parties we would otherwise have been thrown out of. The one fantastic legacy that Tree’s cousin left me was that he had a computer program that made California IDs. There are so many stories there. Just so many.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Anyway, I made the trip to Captain Kung Fu’s with Tree. It was only about an hour and a half away, so it went quickly and we got there plenty early to start drinking before going out. Captain Kung Fu had a terrible, slobbish roommate who we spent the weekend avoiding. The dude seriously sat in the room watching TV all day and all night. So, we went down the hall to this other guy’s room who was really cool.

He also happened to be the typical freshman, who couldn’t handle his beer. That didn’t even slow him down, though. For that, if you’re reading this, I respect you.

So, we start the night doing some shots and drinking beers in between. The guy whose room we were drinking in went to Taco Bell before going out for the night. When he got back, we were drunker than when he left and I had almost been raped!

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 6

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Having survived high school and, improbably, matriculated to college, I was prepared to take my game to a whole new level. My game wasn’t really about learning. It was more about drinking and picking up women. The second I set foot on South Carolina’s campus, it was beautifully clear that women wouldn’t be an issue. That left beer to worry about. I was pleased to learn about Five Points shortly after unpacking.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

For those who haven’t been to Five Points before, it’s a collection of bars and restaurants in Columbia, SC. And it’s within easy walking distance of USC.

As I’ve pointed out, I was able to make myself appear to be any age on paper, but I still looked like a little kid to anyone with sense. Bartenders don’t get tips for being sensible, so, with my ID, I got in essentially everywhere. The bad news here is that the cops were also well aware of this and raided bars pretty frequently, especially the ones that were more popular with freshmen.

On this particular Thursday night, I had gone out with about 6 friends of mine from the dorms. We had hit a few dive bars and then settled on this one bar that was easy for everyone to get into. A lot of our decision was based on the clientele, which was made up primarily of young women between 17 and 19 years old.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 8

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
As most of my stories may convey, I’ve got some alcohol problems that really ramped up during college. There was a period from freshman to junior year when I drank 6 nights a week. After that, I started actually studying because I knew I needed to go to grad school, which meant buckling down. [For those of you who are thinking – I’ll just work hard for 2 years and be fine. Don’t be so sure. I got good GRE scores and I still got into a couple of crappy grad schools, but not the great schools that I was hoping for. So, while I’ve recovered, I’m not sure the names attached to my degrees will be that great if I need to switch employers.]

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

While that introduction was unnecessary for this story, I want to stress that I really drank far too much for several years. Part of the problem is that for a while, we had a kegerator with a keg in it. In terms of priorities, we struggled to make rent sometimes, but we always had a full keg.

When I moved out of there, I moved to a place that was 2 blocks from a dive bar that ended up being my home away from home. More importantly, it was a life saver because it was closed one night a week, so I had at least one sober night built into my schedule.

On this particular night, I was just hanging out at my house with my roommates and watching some hockey. Low key, really. At this point I lived with 6 people and two of them were “Irish” and his fiance “Norso.” Yeah, that’s my word for an upper body “cankle.” Irish was awesome, let’s leave it at that.

There was a kegerator next to the couch, so I drank a lot. More problematic was the ping pong table next to the kegerator. Even more problematic was Norso. She was/is a grouchy bitch. She could kill the best of buzzes. The two of them could fight as well as any couple I’ve ever been around. I mean, she kept a packed suitcase next to the front door, and, probably two weekends a month, she would move home to live with her parents only to come back and make up with Irish. Irish, much like myself in similar situations, would use those free days as temporary break ups and therefore an excuse to have lots of sex with random girls.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 40

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
While I was in grad school, my life became much less social. I spent time with other biologists both in and out of class. I spent time doing research. I spent time in the library. I spent time writing my thesis. But I spent very little time trying to pick up women. And on the nights I would go out, I hadn’t drank in so long that I tended to get pretty messed up – and then go try to work my magic.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

It turns out, college girls aren’t all that impressed by a 24 year old drunk who can’t even slur out some tired pick up line. I don’t actually use “lines.” You know, licking your finger and wiping it on her shoulder and yours, followed by, “why don’t you and me get out of these wet clothes?” Or “The word of the day is legs, let’s get out of here and spread the word.” Or “Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call her when I met the girl of my dreams.” Or “Do your legs hurt? They should, because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture. I’ve never used one of those…

But anyway, what I usually do is walk up to a girl I want to make out with and start talking to her. My best asset is certainly my looks, though I’m convinced I’m smoother than guys that rely completely on their looks. I’ll usually start with casual small talk. I try to gauge her interest level and ask appropriate questions. If she’s really skeptical of this stranger who just started talking to her, I’ll make a bunch of jokes to see if I can make her more comfortable and convince her I’m innocent. If she’s got that look like she wants it bad, I won’t joke with her too much, I’ll just get right to it with the flattery and blatant sex talk.

But, for the girl that I really want to hook up with, if she’s not sure, I’ve got to convince her that I’m safe and innocent. If she thinks scamming on girls is all I do, she won’t want to just be another notch. However, if she thinks you’re funny and thinks you think she’s special, well, then you could have an awkward silent walk back to her place (always her place) and still get it.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 23

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents

Senior year, homecoming dance.

There are some loser high major basketball recruits that are electing to go to their high school’s homecoming dance instead of midnight madness with Kansas. Let’s take a second to think about how shitty Kansas’ midnight madness must be…

By senior year of high school, there was a large group of us that were friends and hung out all the time. There were five guys and two girls. The one girl had a new friend that had started hanging around to start senior year. She was cute and fun, so she was well accepted by the group. We’ll call her “Huge Rack.” My buddy, one of my best friends of all time, had started dating her. We’ll call him “Mr. Smart.” Seriously, the guy never studied, had a serious alcohol problem, and went to two Ivy League schools for his undergraduate and graduate degrees. He is just effortlessly smart. Anyway, their relationship was cool because it never got awkward hanging out with them.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

So, when homecoming came around, we all got together before the dance and ordered some pizza. Then we left and went to this cul-de-sac. We’d usually hang out there because it was in a new neighborhood with no houses, so we could sit around, drinking and talking, without dealing with parents. So, the eight of us went and hung out and pounded some beers for about an hour before going to the dance. This one dude who we knew but didn’t really hang out with had offered to have us all over for an after party. We’ll call him “Munson.” His folks were out of town and he didn’t want a big party, but he was cool with about 10 people coming to his place. So, we didn’t plan to stay at the dance for long and were planning to head to the party pretty quick.

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