I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 48

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I love stories about The King. Some of his antics are just off the wall. And growing up, we’d hang out a lot. This was one of those times. It was during college and we were home for winter break. We had celebrated Christmas and were making plans for New Years. My Captain Kung Fu’s mom had a beach house and she had told him he could go out there for New Years. So, we loaded up a keg and headed off on a road trip for New Year’s Eve at the beach.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.


When we arrived, the house was awesome. It was plenty big enough for a bunch of us to party there and then crash in beds and on couches. And there was a lake in the backyard so we could hang out and have a nice view. There were a few other houses around the lake and some of those also had people celebrating New Years. Kung Fu’s mom’s house had good chunk of property, so the houses were fairly well spaced out. While sound travels well across water, it wasn’t too loud and the other people could hear us making noise, but that was about it.

Kung Fu gathered everyone around when we got there while we were still sober and announced there was only one rule. Nobody in the house was allowed to go across the lake and steal the giant, illuminated Santa. We had all been joking about it, but we were there to drink, so this was a moot point. More importantly, everything else was ok. Sex in any room was fine. No drugs were off limits. You could smoke anywhere you wanted. All beer and liquor bottles were communal and we had all chipped in for the keg.

So, an awesome night was underway. In fact, this was the first of a number of New Year’s beach parties in a row that were all noteworthy for various reasons. I will tell stories about them all. So, we all got to drinking. Most of us started out at this one table playing speed quarters. We were going through remarkable amounts of beer. I won’t even try to tell you all of the people at the table, but there was me, The King, and about 8 other people – both guys and girls. Now, New Years is a time when everyone should try to get laid. And that was my goal.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 35

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
In college, life was good. By my senior year, I was working a bunch of jobs so I had some money to spend on things more important than underwear, but less important than books. So, one night, a good buddy of mine, Ike, decided we should make a trip about an hour north to this city. He was a DJ for a local radio station and had to work a bar. In exchange, they were getting free beer and a place to stay up there. I just had to pay gas and the cover, and I was able to drink on their tab and sleep in their hotel.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

That was an easy one, I decided I would go with him. So we headed up there, two bachelors in a big city. It had tons of potential. We got up there and set up at the bar. Happy hour was starting at 5 and then would run until 7. Then it was ladies night and they were expected to play a lot of dance music and have all kinds of contests because women like to feel like winners while making life-altering mistakes.

Happy hour started, and the beer started flowing. It was still early so we were hanging out with the bartenders and the waitresses. They were all smoking hot – much hotter than the average girl on campus. Ike and I were really working it. We both decided pretty quickly that the same waitress was the hottest and therefore, we’d have either a competition for her or one of us would have to back down. Neither of us backed down and he had to work, so I was left to freely talk to this chick. Sadly, it became clear that she could not have been less interested in me. So, it was on to the next girl.

At this point, I was pretty wasted – I think my problem with the waitress since she was bringing me beers and seeing my rate of intake – plus, what woman wouldn’t want this? The place had filled up. We were out on the deck where they had a beach that sometimes had a net for volleyball. Inside was packed, but people hadn’t come outside to dance yet. There was only a bachelorette party out there.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 52

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Some stories are shorter than others, but that really doesn’t make them any less funny. I think all guys go through a stage. No, I hope all guys go through a stage where they read about funny sexual acts (use some common sense and realize that nothing in these links is safe for work, but if you visit, look around – it’s amusing) like “the Abe Lincoln (#93 – I chose this link for the list),” “dirty sanchez,” “the houdini, “the dog in a bathtub,” or “the zombie.” Because if most guys don’t read about them and laugh, then I’m a worse human being than I originally thought.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, please, take some time and visit all of those sites and read about them – I went to great lengths to find a number of different links.

And while I find those lewd acts humorous, I would never try to actually perform them on a girl, right? No, really, I wouldn’t do that on purpose. Even if I brought some nasty chick back from a bar to her house or the woods or something, I wouldn’t wipe her own fecal material across her upper lip. It’s bad enough that I just gave her herpes.

Just kidding, but STD jokes are my favorite. Anyhow, I don’t have many one night stands and that’s really the only opportunity to do something so vile and degrading anyway. Ok, that’s a blatant lie.

While in college, I was dating two girls at the same time for a while. And more often than not, I’d go out drinking with friends and whichever one I ran into, I’d go home with. If I didn’t see one out that night, I’d have to decide if I was in the mood for the blonde or the brunette, and that’s the one I’d call when I got home.

On this particular night, I ran into Helen Hunt while I was out and she and I hung out for a while drinking. We got pretty well buzzed, well, I did. She got good and wasted. And later that night, we headed back to my apartment. We went upstairs and started fooling around.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 19

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
When I first went to college, I didn’t have to adjust much. Most kids when they head off to college are experiencing life outside of their parents’ house for the first time ever. But for me, I had spent an entire summer living with friends or passing out drunk at parties. You see, my folks had kicked me out of the house because I was such a terrible person. It was a good decision on their part and I’m grateful they took me back in.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, when I got to college, I had to adjust to living with some dude I had never met, but life really didn’t change too much. At South Carolina, I lived with a guy from Spartanburg. He was pretty cool and I considered myself lucky to know him because it could have been much worse. He was a big kid that couldn’t hold his liquor at all, so every time we went out, I had to listen to him vomit. I stopped going to parties with him. About half way through the semester, he started pledging TKE and moved out of our dorm. So then I had the room to myself the rest of the semester.

Then after transferring out to the midwest, I ended up with a really cool guy who I got along with great. We’ll call him Bones. I still get along well with him and really enjoy every time I run in to him. He and I were the same majors and both liked going to similar parties, so it worked really well. We came from totally different worlds though – he was Italian and grew up in Philly. But being the same majors, we had a lot of common ground. He was a year ahead of me in school – so at the start of my sophomore year, he moved out to an apartment and I got a new roomate, Evil Twin.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 20

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
As my college career ended, I was nearly alone in my celebration. You see, between the transfer and a semester I spent doing an internship, I took 5 years to graduate. The rest of my friends from high school and friends that started college when I did had already graduated. I had some friends during my senior year of college, but they were either younger kids on campus or some of my friends from college who stuck around and got jobs near school.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I spent a lot of my senior year studying and working to make enough money to pay the bills. In my free time, I would either go to parties and try to pick up freshmen girls or go out with people from work. But, when I graduated, I saw an opportunity to get all of my real friends together. The people who I had spent the last 9 years hanging out with to some degree or another.

My friend, “Male Model,” was arguably more of a whore than I was and he also took 5 years to graduate, so we decided we’d throw ourselves a big ass party and invite everyone we knew. We even made it formal. Not in dress, but we mailed real invitations instead of just something over the internet. We rented out the pool that we both used to work at. This is the same pool where the DEA showed up 6 years earlier. The pool that gave me the confidence to sleep with girls who were way out of my league, and now the pool that was going to host a party of nearly 500 people.

All of the guests were 21, so we did this by the book. I contacted the police and let them know we were having a party. We rented the pool and assured them we’d clean up. Though the party was before the pool opened for the summer, so we didn’t have to have it clean before the place opened in the morning. We sent out invitations to pretty much every one of our friends and some of their parents. We cut a grassy area back to allow for camping. We had it all set up.

The day of the party, Male Model and his friend from college, Erin (they weren’t dating, I swear), met me up there around noon to start getting things set up. The party was due to start at 6 and we were having a pig roast and a load of kegs. We all had different tasks we had to complete and once we had everything bought, we tapped the kegs (we had 3 tapped at a time) and were drinking and setting up.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 27

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents

I have a way with women.

This expression usually translates as: “There’s something about me that women can’t resist.” While I’m not saying that isn’t the case because I do get approached by women more often than seems normal; when I say I have a way with women, the translation is different.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

There is apparently something about me so infuriating that when an attempted relationship is over, the blow up is shocking and always makes for a great story over some beers while fishing with my buddies.

One story stands out above them all. A shiny beacon for the mental breakdown I am able to instigate. And what makes it better is that it happened in public. I’m sure my friends think I’m full of shit half the time, so this time, while sitting at the bar in the middle of Michigan, mouths gaping, they soaked in what I have come to understand is the normal reaction to a break up.

For some background, I had met this girl through a friend and she was pretty cool. We had hung out a few times and things were going well. We made out, went out a few times after that, and finally I decided it would be ok if we dated. We went out for maybe two months and things were crazy. We’d spend a lot of time going out to bars at night, stumbling back to my place, and usually getting it on somewhere in between.

She was kind of a hippie, kind of a wannabe psychologist. She’d always try to pry deep into my head to see what I was thinking, which, as anyone who has spent 30 seconds with me knows, is impossible. But she was also freaky and crazy and I was all about how wild things got and what she was willing to let me do to her.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 12

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Now that I was finished with college, I had headed to graduate school within a few weeks of graduation. I was working on my PhD, so certainly I would have shaped up by then, right?

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

After finishing grad school, I had to go into the real world, and it turns out that the real world is not nearly as difficult as graduate school. So, I had more free time on my hands, and not surprisingly, began drinking too much again and running into trouble with the law.

This time, I was living in the Bitterroot mountains of Idaho. That’s right, the same Idaho that is one of only 3 states that lack an Elvis fan club.

So, dealing with that, you know there was little else to do than drink. Turns out it takes two things to be a great Idahoan – drinking and being a cowboy. I wasn’t a great Idahoan, but I had my moments. One summer evening, I decided I’d show the locals that while I wasn’t much of a cowboy, I was a hell of a drinker.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 29

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
There really is no worse feeling than enjoying something that is really great, only to be interrupted. The interruptions are usually uncomfortable, unpleasant, and always unwanted. At least from my point of view and my selfish view of the world. Most of the time, when a romantic encounter is interrupted, my friends are to blame. But the funniest moments are when the interrupters are her friends or better yet, her family.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

In college, I would always head back to my parents’ house for the holidays. But after being at home for a few weeks, by Christmas, I was usually ready to head back to my apartment for a few days for a bit of a break before coming back to my home town for New Years.

Now, when you’re loosely dating a few girls and they know you’re coming back to your place, this is trouble. I usually hadn’t seen them for a few weeks and they all wanted to stop by to see me. I can’t have that. So, I’d make some story about how it would be on my way to swing by their house to say hi to their family and bring presents, then I’d go to my place the next day. Of course, I’d actually be going to another girl’s place with the same tired story, but it worked.

So, after Christmas my junior year, I headed back up to school and decided to stop at Helen Hunt’s place “on the way.” Her house was seriously three hours out of my way, but that’s better than spending my few days away from my family worrying about having two visitors show up at the same time.

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