From Al’s inbox: An important announcement

You swine! A vaccine is too late for Al.

You swine! A vaccine is too late for Al.

To my fans: I apologize for my long absence. It appears that I might have contracted the swine flu, since I was properly vaccinated against the other flu more than a month ago. But I’m back now and as witty as ever.

Today, in my inbox, amidst the usual offers for a better sex life, $6 million from Ethiopian princes (who knew there were so many?), and a reduced rate on the H1N1 Swine Flu vaccine (it’s a little too late for that),  I received the following important announcement:

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is coming October 23rd!!

October 23rd  is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:  Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t care about?  Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?  Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!  Here are the rules you must follow:

  • You can only slap one person per hour – no more.
  • You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
  • You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
  • No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
  • If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping  on October 23rd….. and have a great slapping day!

Of course, the difficulty with this is that I’m a telecommuter who works from home and often, the people I want to slap, are hundreds of miles away. When I mentioned this to the guy who sent the e-mail, he responded with:  “Take that, you swine.”

And life comes full circle.

Open letter to the girl on the train today

I can't stand people that talk on the phone in crowded public places.

I can't stand people that talk on the phone in crowded public places.

I hate leaving the comfort and beauty of West Virginia. To make matters even worse, I can’t stand going to large U.S. cities for countless reasons ranging from homeless, crazy people to SARS. And when I have to travel to nearby cities, I typically take the train to avoid the horrors associated with flying that I’m pretty sure include homeless, crazy people and people with the SARS. So, today when I left my house for what was destined to be a miserable few hours on an Amtrak train heading up the eastern seaboard, I could not have anticipated how bad my day would be.

First, I’m not sure anyone knows, but a train caught fire today outside of DC. This slowed things down and everything was really delayed. But that’s ok. It’s not worse than the airport, where I’m scanned with some sort of X-ray machine that causes sterility. And I have to deal with the idiots that have never flown before. And deal with the idiots that work for TSA. And deal with SARS. So, even though there are trains catching fire ahead of my train, no big deal, at least we won’t fall 26,000 feet to our deaths.

Clearly if the US had an anus, the red inflamed area would be it.

Clearly if the US had an anus, the red inflamed area would be it.


And, after a considerable delay, we board and I’m off to the northeast. I’ll be traveling through America’s anus en route to the only city on Earth that I think has a target around it when viewed from space. I bet I could see the target if I ever flew there, but alas, I’ll have to stick with my assumption and the empirical evidence of the past 16 years.

So, already a little on edge and further annoyed with my delay, I take my seat and prepare for the long trip north. Oh, did I mention I will not be seeing the world series while I’m here? Yeah, that’s because I’m not a multimillionaire trying to spend all of my money in 30 days to get even more money. I brought a bunch of reading material with me so I wouldn’t feel like I was wasting all of that time.

Continue reading