I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 28

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I have a history of bad break ups. I think it’s because I’m a huge asshole and women know this. You’re probably thinking, ‘if they know it, then they should expect it.’ At least that’s what you’re thinking if you’re a logical man. Therein lies the conundrum that is a woman. They see me treat everyone around me like shit and for whatever reason, think that because we’re sleeping together, they’ll get some kind of special treatment. And if they feel they aren’t getting that special treatment, then they try to change me.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, I was dating this girl in Idaho. I’ve picked women up in all kinds of places. One of the places people always say is a great place to meet women is the gym. I guess this is because they probably aren’t drunk and are probably in good shape. But I’ve found that I don’t ever meet women at the gym. But once is all it takes. And when I went into the gym one day this girl was in there working out.

I lived in a small town in Idaho and there weren’t many attractive women – the ones that were in town, I knew. So, when I walked in and saw this tall, skinny red head, I figured she was in from out of town. But that didn’t mean I shouldn’t see if she wanted some company while she was in town. An escort if you will.

I only stand about 5’8. I’m pretty well built and at that point I was coaching soccer (futbol), so I was working out with the kids for about 2 hours a day. She was about 5’8 also and well toned. I think a lot of her skinniness was youthfulness. She started pudging up after a while the way red heads tend to do. But when I first met her, all I could think was that I wanted to see her naked in the worst of ways.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 67

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
In the beginning of college, I was a drinker more than a student, but as I got in to my third year, I realized I needed to do some work to help me stand out to folks who would hire me after graduating. So, I started studying to get my GPA above the 2.76 it had been following my sophomore year. And then I decided that an internship would also help.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Finding an internship as a drunk, exceptionally average college student is remarkably difficult. It turns out that free labor is readily available and people fitting my bill are regarded as criminal threats moreso than the future workforce. So, after some looking, I managed to talk two biologists in to letting me do an internship on a research cruise of theirs. This meant they wouldn’t have to spend 7 weeks at sea and I would have to do a good enough job of collecting samples that they’d be able to publish a paper based on the results.

The boat was set to leave on February 2nd and return on March 24th. This in 1998, so the most horrible part for me was missing UNC’s dream season and then getting back just in time to watch it all fall apart. My parents were good enough to record the UNC Duke game from that year when UNC won by 27 and Vince Carter barely missed what would have easily been the greatest dunk in UNC history.

But more importantly, I was briefed by the two scientists a week before leaving and then, rather than returning to school for my spring semester, I flew out to San Diego, where I made my way to the Naval Yard. The boat I would spend the next 7 weeks on was 224 feet long and would house 28 of us – mostly permanent crew. There weren’t too many rules – the only one of any significance was “no beer.”

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 57

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I’ve been a part of some truly great breakups. And some that are memorable, but I wasn’t such an asshole. But in some cases, I fail to see how I am in any way responsible. Sure, I have a tendency to exacerbate situations by acting out or doing something so passive aggressive that the girl literally erupts in a firey ball of fury with glowing eyes. Ok, not that literally, but I’ve seen a lot of women display that raw emotion of murderous rage and every time it scares me so badly that I end up with sleep paralysis or actually just some disturbing dreams.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, while every single relationship I’ve ever been in has come to an end, they haven’t all ended in such a firey, drunken, rage-filled tantrum. And like I said, I am pretty sure I am not to blame in the least. As some background, a childhood friend of mine from Mexico was getting married so I invited my girlfriend, The Genius. She really was a very smart girl. And she decided not to go with me to a wedding in Mexico.

This wedding would be full of my friends from my childhood. But The Genius wanted no part of it. Instead, she planned a weekend at the beach with some of her friends. Needless to say, that raised some red flags for me, but even though I didn’t really trust her motives, I trusted her so I wasn’t going to get in a fight about it. Instead, I made my flight reservations for one.

When that weekend finally rolled around, I flew down to Mexico and The Genius took off for the beach with her friends. We agreed we’d talk if we had cell reception and free time. Since the wedding was full of friends I had known my whole life, I got there on Thursday for a party, then Friday was the rehearsal dinner, and Saturday the wedding and reception. Likewise, The Genius left for the beach on Thursday for four days of drinking and laying on the beach.

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Jim Zorn, Redskins contact FBI

Following a humiliating 19-14 loss to the hapless Detroit Lions, the Redskins said all the things a loser team typically says. Then they shocked the world when Jim Zorn and Dan Snyder appeared together following their post-game interviews and admitted that they had enlisted the FBI to take part in a nationwide search for Zorn’s career. Zorn, 56, admitted anyone could have taken it because he’s had his head up his ass the first three weeks of the season.

Zorn and Cruise discuss the only thing they're qualified to discuss: what would happen if the kind of troll that hides under a bridge did it with a unicorn.

Zorn and Cruise discuss the only thing they're qualified to discuss: what would happen if the kind of troll that hides under a bridge did it with a unicorn.

Zorn said, “I should have realized something was up last week when I called for us to go for it on 4th and short twice in the redzone during the final 2 minutes of last week’s game when we were up by 2. Jason Campbell must have told me that he learned in second grade that 2 plus 3 is 5 and being up by more than 3 in the final 2 minutes is a really big deal. Frankly, I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

Before Zorn could finish talking, the towel boy shouted, “Jimmy! Jimmy, shut the fuck up, man.”

Snyder told the FBI that Zorn’s career seriously could have been lost anywhere between games in Washington, Baltimore, Jacksonville, and New York before Sunday’s game in Detroit. “We don’t want to rule anything out. I’ve put a 10 million dollar bounty on the person who stole Zorn’s career. I mean, I’m going to fire him, but I feel like I need to kick his career’s ass before shoving him out the door.”

The FBI was asked to comment but was unable to say much substantive due to the on-going investigation. One officer, on condition of anonymity said, “This is the damnedest case I’ve ever worked. Man, have you talked to this guy? He’s lost. My 105 year old grandfather makes more sense when I talk to him. We can’t even rule out that he lost his career last year and just didn’t notice it until today. It’s kind of sad, really.”