I have been stumped for the past nine days. In the last phase of this search for a new NFL team for my wife to cheer for, I’ve been trying to weigh the appropriate pros and cons of the final four teams in order to come to an informed and guilt-free decision.
The Packers, while mostly harmless, have been successful as of late. So, there is a legit tendency to want to avoid bandwagonry at all costs. And Brett Favre played for them for half a century or something. So, it’s tough to love them. Then again, they were jilted by number 4. But, as has been stated, their fans wear cheese hats. So, who knows?
The Jets are still tempting. Mostly, because each time I mention them as a possibility around here, another of my Patriot-fan friend’s head explodes. Which is really, really fun to watch. However, Brett Favre played for them for half an hour or something. So, it’s tough to love them.
The Seattle Seahawks are still a great choice. But, the geography just doesn’t help. Are they even ON television outside of the Pacific Northwest? Would it be worse than being a fan of her native Rams? So many questions.
The Minnesota Vikings wear purple, which is a stupid, stupid color for a sports team. I generally like every person I have ever met from Minnesota, so, I could see my wife becoming one of those very nice people. But, Brett Favre played for them for a couple of seasons…so, man…how did I end up letting THREE teams that Favre played for make the final cut? See. This is why I shouldn’t be entrusted to such decisions.
Which is why I decided that I am not going to make this decision. I am turning to a higher power: our 11 month-old son. Continue reading
1. Kate Gosselin – After years of waiting standby only to get bumped at the last minute, Ms. Gosselin’s ticket is finally punched. Not only will her presence on the rocket benefit most of humanity, but I’m pretty sure her 500 kids will be better off without her constant fame-mugging as well. (ht: 
2. Brett Favre – My sincerest apologies for not having the old gray tool on an earlier trip. Perhaps we all could have been spared the omnipresent media coverage and..um…unwanted personal details had I acted sooner. Forgive me.
3. Justin Bieber - The kid is a punk. He has terrible hair. He sings like a howler monkey. And, in 6 years, he’ll be dead from an overdose anyway. So, I’m doing him a favor, really.
4. Christine O’Donnell – That was way too close, Delaware. Let’s make sure this never happens again, okay?
5. The Wonder Pets – I recently had a child. If my son is to grow up in a loving and nurturing environment and become a man that contributes great things to this world…the Wonder Pets simply cannot exist. Technically, I know there are 3 of them, but they are small and won’t take up much room. And when they start singing 2 seconds into the flight, the other passengers will more than likely pick them off one at a time anyway.
6. Kobe Bryant - Alright. You’ve proved your point. Now retire…or vaporize. Either one.
7. Charlie Sheen – Honestly, I have nothing against Charlie. I like Charlie. His seat on this rocket has nothing to do with his personal antics. But, it DOES have everything to do with the fact that his extinction is apparently the only thing that will get Two and a Half Men off the air once and for all.
