My Wife’s New NFL Team Update #2: We Have A Winner

I have been stumped for the past nine days.  In the last phase of this search for a new NFL team for my wife to cheer for, I’ve been trying to weigh the appropriate pros and cons of the final four teams in order to come to an informed and guilt-free decision.

The Packers, while mostly harmless, have been successful as of late.  So, there is a legit tendency to want to avoid bandwagonry at all costs. And Brett Favre played for them for half a century or something.  So, it’s tough to love them.  Then again, they were jilted by number 4. But, as has been stated, their fans wear cheese hats. So, who knows?

The Jets are still tempting.  Mostly, because each time I mention them as a possibility around here, another of my Patriot-fan friend’s head explodes.  Which is really, really fun to watch.  However, Brett Favre played for them for half an hour or something.  So, it’s tough to love them.

The Seattle Seahawks are still a great choice.  But, the geography just doesn’t help.  Are they even ON television outside of the Pacific Northwest?  Would it be worse than being a fan of her native Rams? So many questions.

The Minnesota Vikings wear purple, which is a stupid, stupid color for a sports team. I generally like every person I have ever met from Minnesota, so, I could see my wife becoming one of those very nice people.  But, Brett Favre played for them for a couple of seasons…so, man…how did I end up letting THREE teams that Favre played for make the final cut?  See. This is why I shouldn’t be entrusted to such decisions.

Which is why I decided that I am not going to make this decision.  I am turning to a higher power: our 11 month-old son. Continue reading

298*

Every good record needs an * beside it these days. Brett Favre is no exception.

The Mississippi diva gets an extra day of rest before mustering the heroic strength to start yet another game. The NFL and mother nature, where would Favre be without either?

EDITOR’S NOTE: The writer of this article is predicting Brett Favre will start tonight for the Minnesota Vikings. Do not use this uneducated guess for anything more than what it was intended – a guess.

Urban Meyer is a Lazy Douche

I’m sure you’ve heard by now that Urban Meyer is “stepping down” for the second year in a row. “It’s about my family… It’s about my health… It’s about my life away from the field,” he says. Well, I’m calling BF [Brett Favre].

One more year? Let's hope not.

What it’s about is taking the spring practice and summer recruiting seasons off, so he can be a lazy ass. Just watch and see… Whenever Summer is winding down and the kiddies are back in school, Pope Urban will make his triumphant return to “save the Gators”.

When you think about it, it really is a genius plan. Work a quarter of the year and get paid for the whole thing. We should all be so resourceful. It’s worked perfectly for Brett Favre, so why wouldn’t it work for Meyer?

My hope is that the Florida administration calls his bluff, fires his staff, and gets a clean start, drama free.

Don’t get me wrong… Urban Meyer is one of the most successful coaches of his generation. He’s worth a little drama here and there. The problem lies in the frequency and implications of said drama. It sends the wrong message to the Florida coaches and players. If he can get by with shirking his responsibilities, why can’t they?

In the end, Florida should be bigger than Urban Meyer. If they really want to be, they’ll make this “retirement” stick whether Meyer wants it or not.

EJSIC’s Rocket to the Sun 2010

It’s that time of year again.

The leaves have all turned.  There’s a crisp coolness in the air.  The premature sounds of a random Christmas song or two are already permeating our collective brains.  College basketball has started.

And, it’s time to launch some more jack socks into oblivion.

As with last year’s inaugural EJSIC rocket, the guidelines remain the same.  If society at large is done with them.  If they have long outlived their actual or perceived welcome.  If they are just generally douche bags who are beyond salvation.  Simply surprise them with the gift that keeps on giving…a ticket on a theoretical rocket that is launched directly into the sun.

1. Kate Gosselin – After years of waiting standby only to get bumped at the last minute, Ms. Gosselin’s ticket is finally punched.  Not only will her presence on the rocket benefit most of humanity, but I’m pretty sure her 500 kids will be better off without her constant fame-mugging as well. (ht: Jose Kortez)

2. Brett Favre – My sincerest apologies for not having the old gray tool on an earlier trip.  Perhaps we all could have been spared the omnipresent media coverage and..um…unwanted personal details had I acted sooner.  Forgive me.

3. Justin Bieber - The kid is a punk.  He has terrible hair.  He sings like a howler monkey.  And, in 6 years, he’ll be dead from an overdose anyway.  So, I’m doing him a favor, really.

4. Christine O’Donnell – That was way too close, Delaware.  Let’s make sure this never happens again, okay?

5. The Wonder Pets – I recently had a child.  If my son is to grow up in a loving and nurturing environment and become a man that contributes great things to this world…the Wonder Pets simply cannot exist.  Technically, I know there are 3 of them, but they are small and won’t take up much room.  And when they start singing 2 seconds into the flight, the other passengers will more than likely pick them off one at a time anyway.

6. Kobe Bryant - Alright.  You’ve proved your point.  Now retire…or vaporize.  Either one.

7. Charlie Sheen – Honestly, I have nothing against Charlie.  I like Charlie.  His seat on this rocket has nothing to do with his personal antics.  But, it DOES have everything to do with the fact that his extinction is apparently the only thing that will get Two and a Half Men off the air once and for all.

That’s my rocket for 2010.  As always, dear readers, let me know who would go on yours.

A Brett Favre dick pic?

My favorite anti-mainstream, anti-ESPN, anti-PC blog, Deadspin, has text pics and voice mails left on former Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger’s cell phone left by none other than ESPN favorite and do-no-wrong country boy Brett Favre. Or so the claim goes.

I’m not writing this entry to persuade any one to one side or the other. Is it real? I’m not sure, but it’s plausible. Maybe more information will surface in the coming days and weeks.

In the meantime, you can decide for yourself. But remember, loyal reader, NSFW. Here’s the link to the Deadspin article.

Of course, what kind of blog entry this would be without the chick in question. Answer: a bad one. So, EJSIC presents, Jenn Sterger.

Flop’s Five Things

I wonder if it's OK to wear one of these to a Razorback press conference.

Welcome to Flop’s Five Things. Please leave your Gator hat at home.

  1. Today we learned that he who shall remain nameless will actually play for the Vikings next season. In true douchebag fashion, the nameless one spun it as a favor he “owed” the team and that this would be his absolute last season. Right… See you in Dallas in 2011, Salt-N-Pepa.
  2. Today I noticed that my beloved Cincinnati Reds were 2.5 games up (as of 11:37pm EST) in the NL Central race over the Cardinals. Considering I had basically given up on them following the literal and figurative thumping they took from the Cardinals a week ago, this was a welcomed surprise. Has the annual epic collapse been delayed to make it more painful or will the Red Legs manage to return to the playoffs for the first time in my adult life? Only time will tell.
  3. Today I learned that Razorback reporter Renee Gork was fired for tweeting out her love for the Florida Gators, not just for wearing a Gator hat to a press conference. While I understand the need to appease your audience, I think requiring the media covering your local team to be fans of that team is an inadvisable position to be in. As much as I think Jerry Tipton is overly negative in his coverage of UK, it is comforting to know that at least one prominent reporter is operating independent of his fandom. If reporters can’t be unbiased, then they’re no better than we filthy, blogging Philistines.
  4. Today TMZ informed me that Speidi is about to be spliced, as the second most annoying pair in the world (the first being Skip Bayless’ arms) has decided to get divorced. Here’s hoping that Heidi lands on her feet (or whatever synthetic substance she’s walking on now) and that neither of them stop following us on Twitter.
  5. Finally, today I learned that the Foo Fighters are working on a new album for 2011. This is great news for Foo Fans as we can never really have our fill of the Foo.

So… there’s that. See you all bright and early in the morning.

Luke Warm Linkage

Seriously… Wayne Gretzky would suck at fighting crime.


Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

Flop’s Five Things

So much for that idea...

Hola, amigos and amigas. Welcome to the first installment of Flop’s Five Things. This will be a recurring segment, where I touch on 5 interesting happenings I found out about today. So, without further ado (I know how much you hate ado), here are Flop’s Five Things.

  1. Today we found out that we still haven’t found out if Brett Favre has figured out if he’s playing next season. Once again, the Salt-N-Peppa’d One is milking the moment and missing as much actual practice time with his team as is humanly possible. What are the odds Roger Goodell implements a “Favre Rule” that prohibits washed up players from holding teams hostage every off-season after this year? If he were truly the Texas Ranger he pretends to be, he’d man up and spare us the drama next season.
  2. Today I found out that former Kentucky Wildcat Wesley Woodyard was the Denver Bronco who delivered the now famous “Friar” hair cut to Tim Tebow during training camp. Wildcat and foreskin fans everywhere salute you, Wes.
  3. Today I learned that incoming NCAA President Mark Emmert would like to emulate the MLB draft rules system for college basketball. For those of you that aren’t in the know, high school baseball players are allowed to either turn professionally right away or commit to 3 years of college.On the surface, I love this idea in terms of developing players and chemistry in college. In reality, though, I know that the kids aren’t the only ones making bank in the one-and-done system. NBA teams now have the pleasure of bust-proofing their draft decisions based on a year’s worth of film competing against high level competition. I’m guessing the execs aren’t in a big hurry to up their odds of wasting millions on unproven commodities.
  4. Today I learned that Juggalos are not to be @#$%ed with. Not only did they almost rid the world of Tela Tequila (you should be taking notes Shawne), but they also took on a legit former gangsta rapper in Method Man. That’s some hard-ass clowns right there.
  5. Finally, Google taught me that my prediction of Johnny Depp playing Ranger Smith in the Yogi Bear movie was swiftly debunked. It turns out they are actually making a Yogi Bear movie and that Ed star Tom Cavanagh has won the coveted role of Ranger Smith. There’s always Top Cat, Johnny.

With that, I bid you adieu. Please remember to stay the @#$% out of my picnic basket.