2012 EJSIC Fall Television Dead Pool

What’s the one thing that can bring me out of mothballs?  Bad Television.

Welcome to the 2012 Fall Television Dead Pool

As in years past, we here at EJSIC take our vast knowledge of pop culture – television in particular – and pit it against each other and our reader(s).  We single out the new network show that we think will get canceled first.  And whoever’s show gets the hook first, wins. Simple. Last year’s crop of freshman shows was stubborn, but, in the end, natural selection took over and most of them met their end.  Though, a few didn’t…for some reason.

Anyway, last year’s winning victim, The Playboy Club, eventually shuffled off and less than half of the remaining new shows followed.  Less than half? We can do better, folks.  This year, I am calling for a 100% success rate in new show fatalities.

Yes we can! Yes we can!

A reminder of the rules: simply choose, IN THE COMMENTS SECTION, which new fall network show you think is going to get canceled first. The person who selects the show that is axed first will receive a prize of undecided worth and/or existence. The author will wait until 5 picks have been made before choosing his pick.

Choose well, jerks. Choose well.

(click the shows to learn more about them)

4) 666 Park Avenue (ABC)
2) Animal Practice (NBC) Shiffus77
- Arrow (CW)
- Beauty and the Beast (CW)
- Ben and Kate (FOX) crazyqx
- Chicago Fire (NBC)
- Elementary (CBS) capnwacky
Emily Owens M.D. (CW) Yoda
- Go On (NBC) bucksfan92
- Guys With Kids (NBC) Chuck_Norrisaurus
4) Last Resort (ABC) buergermeister
1) Made in Jersey (CBS) rockchalk010*
- Malibu Country (ABC)
- Nashville (ABC)
3) Partners (CBS) Flop
- The Mindy Project (FOX) GodzillaBJ
- The Mob Doctor (FOX) shocker11
- The Neighbors (ABC) Azcats1993
- Revolution (NBC) brentton32
- Vegas (CBS)

DISCLAIMER: Only new shows on network stations are included. No cable shows, for obvious reasons. Also, reality shows are not included, because it is typically impossible to cancel a reality show mid-season. Once all shows are picked, selection will be closed. If a show goes unpicked, but is canceled, the game continues until a show that has been picked gets canceled. Also, only shows that have set premiere dates are included.  There are many more terrible shows slated for mid-season starts or replacement. If you want to risk it and choose one of those, be our guest.

* – Winner 10/10/12

2011 EJSIC Fall Television Dead Pool

This is one of my very favorite times of the year. Not only do beloved shows return from summer-long hiatuses…hiati(?)…breaks, but, most importantly, network execs give turning buckets of crap into gold one more shot.

Welcome to the 2011 Fall Television Dead Pool

A staggering, if not unsurprising, 74% of last year’s new network shows never made it to that “sure, go ahead and start production on Season 2″ threshold.  Hell, most of them didn’t even make it to that “keep craft services around for another couple of weeks, just in case” point in the life of a TV show.  So, what did the horribleness of last year’s crop of shows teach those brilliant minds who greenlight projects?  As you are about to find out, not much.

I’ve done some research this year that will hopefully eliminate the recurring problem of picking, say, a Love Bites to be the first show canceled only to have it air as a late season replacement (where it was promptly canceled) long after the first shows are laid to rest, thus voiding whoever picked it’s chances of winning the pool.  Unfortunately, that means that none of us get to pick, what could easily be the worst show in recent memory, ABC’s Work It…which isn’t scheduled to ruin humanity until midseason.  For these same reasons, Apartment 23, Scandal, The River, The Finder, Once Upon A Time,  I Hate My Teenage Daughter, Napoleon Dynamite (!?), Alcatraz and Good Christian Bitches Belles are also not included in the poola.  Likewise, the good folks at FOX tend to hold off on some show debuts until October/early November.  So, bear that in mind when choosing.  But, fear not, there are still plenty of “good” picks to choose from. Continue reading

EJSIC Fall Television Dead Pool

In honor of the dawning of yet another absurdly-optimistic corporate foray into the world of “quality” television, I’m bringing a VJ-”house”hold tradition to the pages of EJSIC.

Welcome to… The 2010 Fall Television Dead Pool

The rules are simple. Jerks and guests, alike, simply choose which new fall show you think is going to get canceled first. The person who selects the show that is axed first will receive a prize of undecided worth.

Last year's esteemed winner

Remember, it’s easy to say that you knew Eastwick was gonna get canned. But, it’s just as easy to be that douchebag who picked Modern Family. So, pick wisely.

Here are your choices: Continue reading

In regards to Tiger Woods and his language

Can somebody explain to me why people feel the need to criticize Tiger Woods for his mouth? He is a grown man playing in a highly competitive event after a five month lay-off. Who here doesn’t let one of Carlin’s seven words fly after an errant tee shot?
Can CBS and Jim Nantz, or any of the other networks, complain when they dress the tee box with extra microphones? Seriously, they want to bring the experience to the fan, yet they don’t want to offend anybody. Sports take place in the heat of the moment, to borrow an old cliche, and no one can expect any athlete to behave differently.

Sure, some are able to keep their emotions under control. Phil Mickelson, who also has a large following, kept his mouth clean throughout the weekend. But, it is unreasonable to have the same expectations of two different people.

And before anybody tells me, I know Tiger said he would be showing more respect for the game as well as keeping his emotions under control, but can we really believe that? Of course not. He said it for the PR move, not for sincerity, and I’m not even going to bash Tiger for that. I could care less.

I don’t see and hear sport commentators griping when a dugout mic picks up the errant F-word in baseball. Better yet, why don’t we wire every lineman in football, both offense and defense, and hear what goes on at the bottom of the pile? Or does that ruin the sanctity of the game as well?

Flowcharting the 2010 NCAA Tournament

Want to dominate your office pool but don’t know a thing about college basketball?

This would be a great time to create water-cooler talk with the boss, wouldn’t it?

Well here at EJSIC, we’re here to provide exactly what the people want: below, you’ll find the key to winning your office pool, with the EJSIC 2010 NCAA Tournament flowchart.

Continue reading

SEC Championship Drinking Game

Fans have been waiting for this game all season: undefeated and defending national champion Florida versus undefeated Alabama in Hotlanta. As with any high profile SEC match-up, the airwaves will be full of euphemisms to describe the nation’s best conference and the its most beloved player with no professional future.

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The Gator and Tide fans are sure to be “lit up” throughout the game so why shouldn’t we casual viewers at home be in a similar state? Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson will bless curse us with coverage via CBS. The most intolerable duo on television drives audiences to drinking. Without further ado, find your favorite liquor and a shot glass for the 3:30 EST clash of epic college football.

• 1 shot for every mention of the SEC’s second-to-none “speed.” SEC fans and aficionados love to use this ambiguous term to further cement their intergalactic domination.

• 1 shot for recollections of Tebow’s charitable mission work in the Philippines.

• 1 shot for highlights of last years meeting between these same two teams in which the do-no-wrong Tebow brought the Gators back in the 4th quarter.

• 1 shot for all references to the special “relationship” between Tebow and his roommate Riley Cooper.

• 1 shot for every time Gary Danielson admires Alabama running back Mark Ingram for his tough yardage and bravery after being injured last week.

• 1 shot for every wrinkled frown of Nick Satan Saban caught on camera

Three hours of football and approximately one shot every thirty seconds should make for a great afternoon for us all. If the game is like last seasons, it will be a good one. Remember folks, alcohol poisoning is no joke. Don’t let your drinking buddy sleep it off and keep ‘em on their side. Happy drinking!

College Basketball Preview, Volume 2: Billy Packer

Billy Packer

Billy Packer

[This is an ongoing EJSIC series leading up to the new college hoops season.  ESPN broadcaster Mike Patrick was featured in Volume 1.]

Hello college basketball fans.  It’s almost time for the new college basketball season to tip off, and it should be an exciting one.

It will be compelling watching the season unfold and getting the answers to the following questions:

  • Can Kevin Love finally get UCLA over the Final Four hump?
  • Will Lute Olson be able to return to the sidelines and lead Arizona back to prominence?
  • Will Tyler Hansbrough ever live up to the hype?
  • Can John Calipari’s Memphis Tigers  build on their recent successes?
  • Will the Selection Committee ever listen to me?

I’m sure that you have other burning questions I might not have thought of yet.  Since I’m no longer paid to watch and comment on the games, sometimes these things fall through the cracks.  If I’ve missed something, please leave a comment below and we can discuss it at great length.  I have plenty of time, believe me.

While I have the opportunity, I’d like to deliver a big “I told you so” to those spineless ad-revenue whores at CBS.  I was the most knowledgeable analyst in the game, and you know it.  That game WAS over, you cowardly pricks.

Oh, and Jim:  I’m glad you’re so happy with your new black friend.  You two look really cute together.  No wonder you’re getting divorced.

Okay, I think I’ve said enough.

Fag out!