I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 43

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
While living in Michigan, there is a window of about 2 or 2 and a half months of decent weather. During this time, the poor saps who are in undergrad go home for summer break, missing the only redeeming qualities of the UP. And the faculty and grad students who remain in town (and the thousands of FIBs who flock northwards) try to find any and every excuse to spend time outside.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

First, in case you don’t know, a FIB is the way Yoopers (a person from the UP) refer to folks from Illinois. Fucking Illinois Bastards come up during the summer, changing the population from 5,000 to 15,000 and thinking that their money should buy them everything they want because we’re all just poor people living in a place they want to visit. They’re everything that is wrong with America and it took only a summer to realize that everything about Illinois is worse than being vomited on.

Now, during the summers, we’d organize different sporting events. The biggest deal was softball. It was co-ed. There was alcohol involved. We had free access to the three baseball fields during the college offseason. And the different departments could compete against each other to prove who was the most athletic.

The problem was that there weren’t many biology grad students. In fact, at the time, there were 5 guys and 3 girls. And to field a team, you needed 9 players (10 could play at a time, but you couldn’t even play if you were more than a person short), at least half had to be girls. So, we needed at least one more girl and since summer was field season for biologists, you could count on half of the players missing any given game. So, we decided it would be ok to use our interns/technicians. This roped in a few more guys and most importantly, got us to 5 girls.

One of the new girls that started playing for us was pretty hot. We’ll call her Softball Sue. And, being single at the time, I was kind of interested. And like I said, alcohol was not only involved at the game, but afterwards, both teams would go out drinking. So, I talked her up the first time we were out after a game and was really into her. And she was sending vibes that let me know it was ok. But before anything happened, Doc dragged me out of the place and we went to another bar for a talk.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 42

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
After trashing Peach’s place, Doc showed up and picked up Evil Twin and me. Now we were on our way to Laramie to party with Doc at local Wyoming bars. These bars are as you would expect. They’re as country as country can get. I’ve been out in Nashville. I’ve gone out in Austin. I’ve been drinking in Dallas, Memphis, Charlotte, Atlanta, New Orleans, some shithole in Iowa, and countless backwoods little towns through Appalachia. They have nothing on Laramie.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

There are fake bulls to ride at The Cowboy. There are bars you can go to, where if you’re gay, they’ll drag you out to a field, tie you to a fence and pistol whip you to death (too heartless?). There’s a bar with a big mirror behind it, like many bars across this great nation, the difference is this mirror has bullet holes left in it from a gunfight from several years before. Not like a gangfight – like a cowboy shootout.

So, we started out meeting up with some other kids Doc was working with in grad school. We all met out at the bar with the bullet hole in the mirror. Now, this was the first time that Doc and Evil Twin had hung out together. Evil Twin had come to visit me in Michigan before, but Doc hadn’t come out with us. I think they may have met but just in passing. So, here are two real assholes who have really strong personalities meeting for the first time. When two people have strong personalities, they either get along great, or they are mortal enemies. I got along really well with both of them, and as it turned out, they also got along really well together.

At this point in my life, most nights started off with a round of Southern Comfort, Wild Turkey, or Maker’s Mark. Then we’d drink beer at a break neck pace, with intermittant shots during the night. The goal was to get wasted and hook up if possible. It’s worth pointing out that Evil Twin and I were coming off a fairly successful week of drinking and hooking up with randoms in Denver. Meanwhile, Doc was living with his girlfriend who was dreading our 2am return to their house. So, only two of us would be working that angle, while Doc was notorious for getting drunk and then prodding me and others into making fools of ourselves.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 64

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Mormons. The punchline to jokes worldwide. And with good reason. They’re funny. I’ve been told they have magic underwear. I also think their God lives in a spaceship. Most of my knowledge of their religion comes from the Simpsons or South Park. And I laugh.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

The thing is, then I moved out to Idaho and lived amongst them. But, I was clearly an outsider in their world. Where I was in Idaho, there was nothing close to an enlightened university or college or city. Now, Doc was about 12 hours away at University of Wyoming – a bastion of enlightenment in the surrounding abyss of ignorance. And he called me up one day to see if I wanted to get together and hang out some time.

We had another friend – Grizzly – who also went to grad school with us and had moved out to the mormon epicenter of Salt Lake City. So, we decided we’d coordinate a trip so we could all meet up at some central location (outside of Utah so we could get beer). It turns out that Bear Lake on the border of Idaho and Utah was just about in the middle of Doc and myself and since I had a boat, a pretty good vacation spot.

So Doc and his technician, a cool guy named Wolverine, drove up from Wyoming. I drove down from Idaho, and Grizzly made the 30 minute mecca to Bear Lake.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 46

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
After Momma dropped me off at my house Thursday night, I was asleep before I reached my bedroom. I woke up, painfully hung over on my couch. It was Friday and I had to go in to the lab to get some work done before I could take my weekend off. I hadn’t gotten Momma’s phone number or anything but was pretty sure she’d be back at my dive bar if she wanted to see me again. So, I went in to work, finished almost nothing before I accepted that I was too hung over to actually do anything well, and went back home to eat some greasy food and take a nap. By that evening, I had talked to Doc and The Crippler and we decided on a low key night back at a pool hall across the river from the dive bar and much closer to my house.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

We got there and shot pool for a few hours before it was just packed and unpleasant. Not meeting our criteria for a low key night anymore, The Crippler decided he was heading home but offered to stop and have a few drinks at the dive bar near his place if Doc and I wanted to stay out later. We took him up on it and when we walked in, there were only two people in the place – the bartender and Momma.

We walked over to them and ordered beers. Neither Doc nor The Crippler had heard about the previous night. I saw no reason to bring it up when neither of them would have known who I was talking about. But here we were. All talking and it was clear from the outset that the bartender knew what we had done.

I really knew nothing about this girl – we had talked for a few minutes before going out to her car and then some sex talk in the car en route to our gravel pull off. So this was the first chance I reallly had to learn anything about her and unfortunately it was at the same time that Doc and The Crippler were meeting her. Doc has never been one to keep his mouth shut, particularly in company of people he deems beneath him. And 100% of college undergraduates fit that bill. So, as soon as he picked up on the bartender’s comments to me about last night, he blurts out, “Holy shit, Jose, did you two have sex last night?”

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 1

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Sometimes worlds collide. For instance, you have friends from high school, then different friends in college, different friends still in graduate school, and then a whole new set of friends in your career field. And there generally isn’t much cross over between these groups of friends. You have reunions, where you get together with the various groups, but there aren’t many reasons to invite a high school friend out with grad school friends. In fact, in my case, it can be downright dangerous to have college friends meet my current employers.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

But for a week, I went to Denver, Colorado for a meeting about water conservation. It’s not exactly what you think. In Denver, conserving water isn’t about being “green” or reducing how much you use, it’s a meeting to discuss various ways to prevent rivers from flowing to the ocean. And I went to this meeting while living in Idaho and working in the potato fields. Potatoes require lots of water and grow best in highly porous, sandy soil. Anyone who has been on the banks of the upper Snake River through southern Idaho understands why this is the best place on Earth to grow a potato.

The problem is, southern Idaho is fairly arid. So, water conservation in the upper Snake drainage is important. And I was lucky enough to get sent out there to learn how they were managing this problem in Denver. At the same time, Evil Twin had called me up a few weeks earlier to let me know that he was off the fishing boat and had about 2 months before he had to go back out. I told him I was heading to Denver and had a free room. It wouldn’t cost any more to get two queen beds instead of a king, so he could crash with me for free. Well, he decided that would be a good time, so he came on down.

At about the same time, I got a call from Doc. At this point, he was at University of Wyoming, a few miles north of Denver, finishing up his PhD. He figured since Denver is only about 3 hours from Laramie, he could come pick up me and Evil Twin and we could spend the weekend at his place.

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