I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 40

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
While I was in grad school, my life became much less social. I spent time with other biologists both in and out of class. I spent time doing research. I spent time in the library. I spent time writing my thesis. But I spent very little time trying to pick up women. And on the nights I would go out, I hadn’t drank in so long that I tended to get pretty messed up – and then go try to work my magic.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

It turns out, college girls aren’t all that impressed by a 24 year old drunk who can’t even slur out some tired pick up line. I don’t actually use “lines.” You know, licking your finger and wiping it on her shoulder and yours, followed by, “why don’t you and me get out of these wet clothes?” Or “The word of the day is legs, let’s get out of here and spread the word.” Or “Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call her when I met the girl of my dreams.” Or “Do your legs hurt? They should, because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture. I’ve never used one of those…

But anyway, what I usually do is walk up to a girl I want to make out with and start talking to her. My best asset is certainly my looks, though I’m convinced I’m smoother than guys that rely completely on their looks. I’ll usually start with casual small talk. I try to gauge her interest level and ask appropriate questions. If she’s really skeptical of this stranger who just started talking to her, I’ll make a bunch of jokes to see if I can make her more comfortable and convince her I’m innocent. If she’s got that look like she wants it bad, I won’t joke with her too much, I’ll just get right to it with the flattery and blatant sex talk.

But, for the girl that I really want to hook up with, if she’s not sure, I’ve got to convince her that I’m safe and innocent. If she thinks scamming on girls is all I do, she won’t want to just be another notch. However, if she thinks you’re funny and thinks you think she’s special, well, then you could have an awkward silent walk back to her place (always her place) and still get it.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 48

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I love stories about The King. Some of his antics are just off the wall. And growing up, we’d hang out a lot. This was one of those times. It was during college and we were home for winter break. We had celebrated Christmas and were making plans for New Years. My Captain Kung Fu’s mom had a beach house and she had told him he could go out there for New Years. So, we loaded up a keg and headed off on a road trip for New Year’s Eve at the beach.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.


When we arrived, the house was awesome. It was plenty big enough for a bunch of us to party there and then crash in beds and on couches. And there was a lake in the backyard so we could hang out and have a nice view. There were a few other houses around the lake and some of those also had people celebrating New Years. Kung Fu’s mom’s house had good chunk of property, so the houses were fairly well spaced out. While sound travels well across water, it wasn’t too loud and the other people could hear us making noise, but that was about it.

Kung Fu gathered everyone around when we got there while we were still sober and announced there was only one rule. Nobody in the house was allowed to go across the lake and steal the giant, illuminated Santa. We had all been joking about it, but we were there to drink, so this was a moot point. More importantly, everything else was ok. Sex in any room was fine. No drugs were off limits. You could smoke anywhere you wanted. All beer and liquor bottles were communal and we had all chipped in for the keg.

So, an awesome night was underway. In fact, this was the first of a number of New Year’s beach parties in a row that were all noteworthy for various reasons. I will tell stories about them all. So, we all got to drinking. Most of us started out at this one table playing speed quarters. We were going through remarkable amounts of beer. I won’t even try to tell you all of the people at the table, but there was me, The King, and about 8 other people – both guys and girls. Now, New Years is a time when everyone should try to get laid. And that was my goal.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 35

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
In college, life was good. By my senior year, I was working a bunch of jobs so I had some money to spend on things more important than underwear, but less important than books. So, one night, a good buddy of mine, Ike, decided we should make a trip about an hour north to this city. He was a DJ for a local radio station and had to work a bar. In exchange, they were getting free beer and a place to stay up there. I just had to pay gas and the cover, and I was able to drink on their tab and sleep in their hotel.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

That was an easy one, I decided I would go with him. So we headed up there, two bachelors in a big city. It had tons of potential. We got up there and set up at the bar. Happy hour was starting at 5 and then would run until 7. Then it was ladies night and they were expected to play a lot of dance music and have all kinds of contests because women like to feel like winners while making life-altering mistakes.

Happy hour started, and the beer started flowing. It was still early so we were hanging out with the bartenders and the waitresses. They were all smoking hot – much hotter than the average girl on campus. Ike and I were really working it. We both decided pretty quickly that the same waitress was the hottest and therefore, we’d have either a competition for her or one of us would have to back down. Neither of us backed down and he had to work, so I was left to freely talk to this chick. Sadly, it became clear that she could not have been less interested in me. So, it was on to the next girl.

At this point, I was pretty wasted – I think my problem with the waitress since she was bringing me beers and seeing my rate of intake – plus, what woman wouldn’t want this? The place had filled up. We were out on the deck where they had a beach that sometimes had a net for volleyball. Inside was packed, but people hadn’t come outside to dance yet. There was only a bachelorette party out there.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 20

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
As my college career ended, I was nearly alone in my celebration. You see, between the transfer and a semester I spent doing an internship, I took 5 years to graduate. The rest of my friends from high school and friends that started college when I did had already graduated. I had some friends during my senior year of college, but they were either younger kids on campus or some of my friends from college who stuck around and got jobs near school.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I spent a lot of my senior year studying and working to make enough money to pay the bills. In my free time, I would either go to parties and try to pick up freshmen girls or go out with people from work. But, when I graduated, I saw an opportunity to get all of my real friends together. The people who I had spent the last 9 years hanging out with to some degree or another.

My friend, “Male Model,” was arguably more of a whore than I was and he also took 5 years to graduate, so we decided we’d throw ourselves a big ass party and invite everyone we knew. We even made it formal. Not in dress, but we mailed real invitations instead of just something over the internet. We rented out the pool that we both used to work at. This is the same pool where the DEA showed up 6 years earlier. The pool that gave me the confidence to sleep with girls who were way out of my league, and now the pool that was going to host a party of nearly 500 people.

All of the guests were 21, so we did this by the book. I contacted the police and let them know we were having a party. We rented the pool and assured them we’d clean up. Though the party was before the pool opened for the summer, so we didn’t have to have it clean before the place opened in the morning. We sent out invitations to pretty much every one of our friends and some of their parents. We cut a grassy area back to allow for camping. We had it all set up.

The day of the party, Male Model and his friend from college, Erin (they weren’t dating, I swear), met me up there around noon to start getting things set up. The party was due to start at 6 and we were having a pig roast and a load of kegs. We all had different tasks we had to complete and once we had everything bought, we tapped the kegs (we had 3 tapped at a time) and were drinking and setting up.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 12

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Now that I was finished with college, I had headed to graduate school within a few weeks of graduation. I was working on my PhD, so certainly I would have shaped up by then, right?

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

After finishing grad school, I had to go into the real world, and it turns out that the real world is not nearly as difficult as graduate school. So, I had more free time on my hands, and not surprisingly, began drinking too much again and running into trouble with the law.

This time, I was living in the Bitterroot mountains of Idaho. That’s right, the same Idaho that is one of only 3 states that lack an Elvis fan club.

So, dealing with that, you know there was little else to do than drink. Turns out it takes two things to be a great Idahoan – drinking and being a cowboy. I wasn’t a great Idahoan, but I had my moments. One summer evening, I decided I’d show the locals that while I wasn’t much of a cowboy, I was a hell of a drinker.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 15

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
In Idaho, the 4th of July is a really big deal. I mean, I understand that in America, the 4th of July is a really big deal everywhere, but I’ve been to a lot of 4th of July parties and celebrations in a lot of different states and I can say without a doubt that Idaho really goes crazy over the 4th.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

The town I was in was approximately 3,000 people – a large town by Idaho standards. And over the 4th, they’d have all kinds of events, a fair, a rodeo, etc. And the town would get packed – it would grow about an order of magnitude and suddenly have between 30 and 40,000 people. And the festivities were like a 3 day ho-down. It being Idaho, most people would wake up and drink – and drink a lot. The bars were really open starting early in the day (before noon) and would close at 2am.

This made for one of my favorite weekends there too. I’m no cowboy, but any group of crazy assholes that’s willing to drink for 15 or more hours straight, well, they’re alright with me. The thing about living in a small town that becomes a pretty big city for 3 days is that almost everyone in the small town has to pitch in to keep things running smoothly.

Now, another thing about outsiders, the locals don’t much care for you until they need your assistance, then it’s all smiles from the bank teller or the lady at the bakery. Those are just two of the three places I frequented. The other was the bar. And over the 4th of July, the bars would get slammed. Amazingly, the locals were such heavy drinkers that this town of 3,000 had 5 bars. And they weren’t all huge, but even the small ones would open their parking lots up over the 4th so they could accommodate that many people.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 67

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
In the beginning of college, I was a drinker more than a student, but as I got in to my third year, I realized I needed to do some work to help me stand out to folks who would hire me after graduating. So, I started studying to get my GPA above the 2.76 it had been following my sophomore year. And then I decided that an internship would also help.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Finding an internship as a drunk, exceptionally average college student is remarkably difficult. It turns out that free labor is readily available and people fitting my bill are regarded as criminal threats moreso than the future workforce. So, after some looking, I managed to talk two biologists in to letting me do an internship on a research cruise of theirs. This meant they wouldn’t have to spend 7 weeks at sea and I would have to do a good enough job of collecting samples that they’d be able to publish a paper based on the results.

The boat was set to leave on February 2nd and return on March 24th. This in 1998, so the most horrible part for me was missing UNC’s dream season and then getting back just in time to watch it all fall apart. My parents were good enough to record the UNC Duke game from that year when UNC won by 27 and Vince Carter barely missed what would have easily been the greatest dunk in UNC history.

But more importantly, I was briefed by the two scientists a week before leaving and then, rather than returning to school for my spring semester, I flew out to San Diego, where I made my way to the Naval Yard. The boat I would spend the next 7 weeks on was 224 feet long and would house 28 of us – mostly permanent crew. There weren’t too many rules – the only one of any significance was “no beer.”

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 4

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
After my run in with the law in Spain, there’s no question I should have learned a lesson. So, how things would later play out is baffling. The next time I ran into the police, I was a senior in high school.

OK, here’s the situation. My parents went away on a week’s vacation. And instead of going out, I decided to throw a big ass party for pretty much anyone that wanted to show up.

As a kid, I was an entrepreneur. I guess I still am. But as a kid, it was already apparent to anyone who knew me. Now, when you throw a big ass party, you run the risk of things getting out of hand quickly.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Arguably, the best and worst thing going for me in high school was that I was popular and a ton of my friends were dangerous people. These are people that are fantastic to have in your corner. Amazingly, they’re still great friends of mine and they’ve actually done quite well for themselves. The media will never do stories about people who behave poorly growing up and then turn into successful adults. It doesn’t help their agenda. But in high school, some of my friends were in these two gangs that got along pretty well.

So, while I’ll talk about some of my party throwing experiences in future chapters, this one deserves special mention. I had been making some money on the side in high school by selling IDs. The program Tree’s cousin had given me. Typically, people wanted to be 21, though some idiot kids just wanted to be 18. So, the sweet thing was that I could provide beer for the party. And, by running the party like a bar, I could sell beers or make people that brought their own beer pay for admission, ensuring that I’d make money off of every person who showed up. And, to make sure people played by the rules, I had my toughest friends come for free as the bouncers.

Now, this idea isn’t new. The Rolling Stones tried it with the Hell’s Angels. It’s effective bartering of a unique skill set. In my case, it didn’t end in disaster.

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