For The Love of God, Can We Get Tiger Woods Some Strange?

Listen, I have a pretty good moral compass.  I was raised Southern Baptist.  I don’t illegally download music.  I don’t cheat on my taxes.  I’d never have an extramarital affair not involving Zooey Deschanel and/or Rachel McAdams.

What Tiger Woods did to his wife and family was reprehensible.  He deserves any and all punishment Elin and her lawyers give him.  He screwed up, royally.  Having said that, what he’s currently doing on the golf course is just as disgusting.  It’s obvious he’s lost his mojo.  We shouldn’t be surprised.

We’ve seen this throughout history.  Samson cut his hair, and lost his strength.  Popeye ran out of spinach, and became nearly as scrawny as Olive Oyl.  Tiger Woods goes to sex rehab, and his golf game goes to hell.

We need to get this guy laid.  And fast.

Now, you might be thinking I’m an insensitive prick.  But I prefer to call myself a realist.  His marriage is over.  Why bother trying to “straighten up and fly right” at this point?  Besides, if Elin is really taking $700 million out of his pocket, he needs to start winning some cash.

So, if you’re a slutty (white) waitress or a (white) porn starlet, or just a (white) girl with a tight (white) caboose and loose morals, get in touch with Tiger ASAP.  Ask not what the game of golf can do for you, but who you can do for the game of golf.

(The answer’s Tiger Woods, you dumb skank.)