I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 59

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
So by now you’re all aware that Evil Twin and I were good friends. I was actually a year older, so he was 18 and I was 19 when we first met (and he had turned 18 like 2 weeks before college started). He didn’t live too far from where we went to school and sometimes would go home on a weekend to hang out with his brother, who is just two years younger than him, and his high school friends. So, one weekend during our first semester, he asked if I had any interest in going back to his place for a night to hang out.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Now, college is awesome and I miss it now that the real world has its teeth in me, but for what ever reason, I decided I’d go back to his parents’ house on a Saturday night during my sophomore year. Another thing to note: Evil Twin had never drank before getting to college. As most kids who tried to get alcohol during high school know, it’s harder to get beer than it is to get pot. So Evil Twin had grown up smoking a lot and had never drank. I’ll tell those stories of his first nights binge drinking, though I bet you can already guess how they play out.

But at Evil Twin’s for the weekend, we didn’t have anything to drink and due to some legal issues, I no longer did any drugs. So, while this was going to be a sober night for me, it was still pretty fun to hang out.

And there’s more – I’ve always been full of hormones. I was always looking to get some. Still am. But, when you go visit your new roomate’s high school friends, you can’t sleep with them unless you get the distinct impression from him that it’s cool. But as it turned out, we didn’t hang out with any girls that night. It turns out his brother and some friends were in this band and they were actually awesome. So we hung out listening to them play and it was a good time. Then, late at night, Evil Twin and Rock Star, his younger brother, headed back to his parents’ place.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 36

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
When I was living out in Idaho, everything was nice. The scenery was nice, the people were nice (and really crazy), but few things were great. And most importantly, every guy knows that if you call a girl nice, that’s a euphamism for fugly. And most of the women in Idaho were nice.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, when an important holiday like New Year’s Eve rolled around, guys like me try to find another town to get drunk in. I’m not saying everything in life should be motivated by hooking up with good looking chicks, but if you’re going to hook up, don’t you owe it to yourself to hook up with something that won’t make you sick in the morning? Sure you do. And there are few holidays like New Year’s Eve, where hooking up is kind of expected if not mandatory. It may not always happen with the girl you started out with, but nobody should spend the first night of a new year alone.

So, I headed out to Seattle to visit Evil Twin and his lady friend. You see, Evil Twin spent a few years working fishing boats out of Alaska and kept a lady in Seattle that he would visit when he was back on land. This was great for him because women in Alaska are like monsters – unattractive and rare. And this girl in Seattle was very attractive and focused on work, so she didn’t mind him being gone so much. He also didn’t need to have a home address if he could stay with her and his family for chunks of time between shipping out – that saved him a lot of money.

So, anyway, we headed to Seattle to enjoy New Year’s Eve. Now, every man alive knows that there are two awesome aspects to New Year’s Eve. First, as I’ve explained, you get to go out and try to get lucky. And second, you get to kick that skank out (or not, it doesn’t really matter) and watch college football all day on New Year’s Day.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 42

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
After trashing Peach’s place, Doc showed up and picked up Evil Twin and me. Now we were on our way to Laramie to party with Doc at local Wyoming bars. These bars are as you would expect. They’re as country as country can get. I’ve been out in Nashville. I’ve gone out in Austin. I’ve been drinking in Dallas, Memphis, Charlotte, Atlanta, New Orleans, some shithole in Iowa, and countless backwoods little towns through Appalachia. They have nothing on Laramie.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

There are fake bulls to ride at The Cowboy. There are bars you can go to, where if you’re gay, they’ll drag you out to a field, tie you to a fence and pistol whip you to death (too heartless?). There’s a bar with a big mirror behind it, like many bars across this great nation, the difference is this mirror has bullet holes left in it from a gunfight from several years before. Not like a gangfight – like a cowboy shootout.

So, we started out meeting up with some other kids Doc was working with in grad school. We all met out at the bar with the bullet hole in the mirror. Now, this was the first time that Doc and Evil Twin had hung out together. Evil Twin had come to visit me in Michigan before, but Doc hadn’t come out with us. I think they may have met but just in passing. So, here are two real assholes who have really strong personalities meeting for the first time. When two people have strong personalities, they either get along great, or they are mortal enemies. I got along really well with both of them, and as it turned out, they also got along really well together.

At this point in my life, most nights started off with a round of Southern Comfort, Wild Turkey, or Maker’s Mark. Then we’d drink beer at a break neck pace, with intermittant shots during the night. The goal was to get wasted and hook up if possible. It’s worth pointing out that Evil Twin and I were coming off a fairly successful week of drinking and hooking up with randoms in Denver. Meanwhile, Doc was living with his girlfriend who was dreading our 2am return to their house. So, only two of us would be working that angle, while Doc was notorious for getting drunk and then prodding me and others into making fools of ourselves.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 19

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
When I first went to college, I didn’t have to adjust much. Most kids when they head off to college are experiencing life outside of their parents’ house for the first time ever. But for me, I had spent an entire summer living with friends or passing out drunk at parties. You see, my folks had kicked me out of the house because I was such a terrible person. It was a good decision on their part and I’m grateful they took me back in.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, when I got to college, I had to adjust to living with some dude I had never met, but life really didn’t change too much. At South Carolina, I lived with a guy from Spartanburg. He was pretty cool and I considered myself lucky to know him because it could have been much worse. He was a big kid that couldn’t hold his liquor at all, so every time we went out, I had to listen to him vomit. I stopped going to parties with him. About half way through the semester, he started pledging TKE and moved out of our dorm. So then I had the room to myself the rest of the semester.

Then after transferring out to the midwest, I ended up with a really cool guy who I got along with great. We’ll call him Bones. I still get along well with him and really enjoy every time I run in to him. He and I were the same majors and both liked going to similar parties, so it worked really well. We came from totally different worlds though – he was Italian and grew up in Philly. But being the same majors, we had a lot of common ground. He was a year ahead of me in school – so at the start of my sophomore year, he moved out to an apartment and I got a new roomate, Evil Twin.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 12

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Now that I was finished with college, I had headed to graduate school within a few weeks of graduation. I was working on my PhD, so certainly I would have shaped up by then, right?

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

After finishing grad school, I had to go into the real world, and it turns out that the real world is not nearly as difficult as graduate school. So, I had more free time on my hands, and not surprisingly, began drinking too much again and running into trouble with the law.

This time, I was living in the Bitterroot mountains of Idaho. That’s right, the same Idaho that is one of only 3 states that lack an Elvis fan club.

So, dealing with that, you know there was little else to do than drink. Turns out it takes two things to be a great Idahoan – drinking and being a cowboy. I wasn’t a great Idahoan, but I had my moments. One summer evening, I decided I’d show the locals that while I wasn’t much of a cowboy, I was a hell of a drinker.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 17

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I have told you before, I drank a lot in high school and college. They were great times full of fun and adventure. And just as importantly, I was safe about it. I never drank and drove. Well, I did once in high school but not after that. And that actually makes for a humorous side story before I even start telling this next of my wild experiences.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

In high school, after drinking far too much one Saturday night, my friends dropped me off back at my parents’ house, but insisted that I sleep in my car because I had gotten too drunk to allow to enter my house – even if through the basement just to sleep on the couch. I would have made too much noise.

So, I guess I climbed in my car to go to sleep, but being ridiculously drunk, decided I’d go for a ride. My friends were worried, so they followed me to make sure I didn’t get in trouble. Apparently I ended up parked sideways in some lady’s driveway, then after doing like an 80 point turn, managed to drive down to the community pool, where I accidentally parked my car against the fence to the pool, stuck on a hill with a 50 degree incline. I wasn’t moving anymore, so my friends left me there to sleep. I woke up in the morning, with my car in a really bad spot and the pool opening in an hour. So, I put it in drive (it was an automatic) and got behind it to push it off the fence and up the hill. That worked, and the car caught the flat ground and drove squarely into a tree. But the good news is I was able to get out of the pool area before anyone found me. I got home and went to bed on the couch – just as I should have the night before.

But with that experience came a valuable lesson. Never drink and drive. And I never did. If people could rely on me for just one thing, that was it. My friends, not so much.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 62

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
College was a great time. I spent a lot of my time drinking. Some other time working, sleeping, and studying. When Evil Twin and I first met, we were roommates in a dorm room. After two years, we decided to move out of the dorms. We both moved to the same apartment complex, but different buildings. They were townhouses, each rented as apartments to college kids right beside campus. Our apartments were separated by a field essentially. All the kids that lived there would play football on the weekends, but technically they were individual yards just without fences. His apartment wasn’t directly behind mine, but a few houses down as well. I’ve told you about Irish and Norso. I moved in with them, while Evil Twin moved in with Bones and some other people.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Living so nearby and all being friends with each other, we’d have coordinated parties every weekend. Basically, his house would throw parties that would last until around 11 or midnight before kicking and then we’d have a few kegs on tap for a late night party at our place. This was pretty much every Saturday night for a few years in college and one of the leading reasons my liver is diseased.

A lot of the people that would show up at his place would also come over to our place afterwards. But there is also a different element – an early crowd and a late crowd – so there would be people passing out before 11 and other people who were pretty sober after midnight who would be wrecked by 3am. Sometimes, we would get at it way too aggressively and not make it to the end of a party at Evil Twin’s and it would be up to Irish to take care of things at our place by himself while I was missing.

And, sometimes there were just the perfect storms. The times when one of us would get so out of control that we’d get kicked out of our own houses by our roomates. And, in the rarest of occasions, we’d both get so wasted that we’d both get the boot.

This is one of those times. One of those perfect storm situations when we both got the boot. Essentially, retold by hundreds of people who witnessed the scene, the tears, the complaints, the mock violence, and the juvenile behavior that comes with that much alcohol. Retold by those people because I have nearly no recollection of it myself.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 37

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I’ve told you before that Evil Twin took a job after college working on some fishing boats out of Alaska. He didn’t have a house and kept a girlfriend in Seattle, where he would stay most of the time he was on land. When not at her place, he would go back and visit with his parents or his brother. So, before one of his trips, he and I decided that when he got back for the summer, I should come up to Alaska and we’d take a trip around the state. We would leave out of Anchorage, head up to Fairbanks, then down towards Wrangel-St. Elias National Park, and then back to Anchorage. We were going to make this trip in a little more than 2 weeks, so it was going to be a lot of alcohol and wildlife encounters packed into a short period of time. Pretty much a Darwin Award waiting to happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I flew in to Anchorage and immediately went over to the rental car place to get our car for the next two weeks. I got a little 4 door and the guy stressed that I could not drive it anywhere off of the major highways and if I got stuck somewhere, they would not come tow me out. All I could think, the entire time this dick was talking, was “yeah, yeah, yeah – I’m in Alaska and I’m going to drive off road, so suck it.”

Also, for those of you thinking of taking a trip to Alaska and renting a car. Do not expect a good deal on your vehicle. It was like $50 a day to pick it up and drop it off at the same location. I paid for it and then headed to the place Evil Twin was crashing. I told him about the car and how much it was and about the rules – he and I split the cost of that BS and then agreed to get our money’s worth out of it.

There are a number of stories that resulted from this trip – because when you put the two of us together for that kind of time, that happens. But in this case, we were heading up to Denali to spend some time hiking Mt. McKinley. That’s a long way from Anchorage and we stopped a bunch to go fishing and to get drunk. And after about 4 days of camping and fishing, we were driving on the main highway north when we passed this little paper plate sign on the side of the road. Evil Twin looked at me and said, “Turn around, I want to read that again.”

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