(Editor’s note: this new feature will appear each Monday. At least until we get distracted by something shiny. Or breasts. Ooh — or maybe shiny breasts. That would be really cool.)
Piniella retires Cubs say “don’t worry, we can Still suck without you”
Krzyzewski’s B-Team Manages to squeak by Spain (“He look like a rat”)
AP Poll is out How many syllables does Boise have? 2? 3?
(Regardless, it’s clear: BSU’s schedule is weak Screw Cinderella)
College football starts Only ten more days until All is right on Earth
The old gunslinger Did not even sweat as much As Chris Collinsworth
Hey, is it just me Or do you count on fingers When you write haikus?
Someone’s about to get a face full of little swimmers.
- Just when you thought conference expansion was over, Nevada and Fresno State have decided to join the MWC. With Utah bolting for the Pac 10 and BYU heading for independence, this was a smart move on the part of the Mountain West.
- Brett Favre’s announcement set to flatulence. Farts make everything more fun.
- Video: Antonio Cromartie has trouble naming his 8 children. Wouldn’t you?
- Obama declares victory, sort of, depending on how you look at it, in Iraq. Mission Accomplished, maybe.
- Want to buy your female companion something to symbolize your commitment? Buy her a scrotum purse so she can carry your balls around on her arm.
- What 23 famous characters looked like as kids. The Eye of Mordor was so cute as a toddler.
- Explore the map of human sexuality, if you dare. [Probably NSFW]
- Piranha 3D = Best Picture. FACT:
The Norwegian Nobel Committee started our morning early today with the surprising news that incumbent US President Barack Obama is to be awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Having been nominated for the prize just 12 days after taking office and awarded a mere 8.5 months later, the announcement has caused reactions positive and negative. Some believe that it is acknowledgment of Obama’s message of hope, while others criticize it for rewarding words and not actions. The divided reaction internationally clearly shows that the celebrity of President Obama stretches beyond our national borders and engulfs the entire world. Was this award given genuinely or was it a way to garner publicity? Were the committee members swept up in the hype that they couldn’t evaluate Obama equitably? We’ll never know the motive.
So who can we tag as frontrunners for 2010? It seems clear what sort of direction the Nobel Committee is heading. Here are some possible leading candidates for next year:
- Brett Favre – beat every team in the NFL in his career, thereby rallying every fanbase in unified hatred against him
- Michael Jackson – helped us all remember that no matter how crazy and disturbed you are, if you’re talented enough, everyone will forget your flaws when you die
- Oprah Winfrey – if you award Obama you’ve got to award the person who got him elected, right?
- Hillary Clinton – because if they didn’t give it to her, you know she would assassinate President Obama in a jealous rage
- Adolf Hitler – hasn’t killed in over 60 years, and his last living action was killing the most evil person in history
There you have it. Now you know who to come crying to when you’re shocked and appalled by next year’s awardee.
NFL Iron Man and compulsive waffler Brett Favre once again shocked nobody by announcing he will end his brief “retirement”, this time suiting up for the Minnesota Vikings.
“A flame I thought was extinguished forever suddenly lit up again,” Favre announced. He apparently hopes to compete at the top of the sport again as soon as 2009…where he will undoubtedly throw interceptions at crucial times, get worn down by the end of the season, then hold a somber press-conference announcing that he no longer “has the desire to compete at this level” while secretly exploring his options of coming back for another year, leaving his team and its backup quarterbacks in limbo.
When asked if it would have just been better to announce that he needed some time away from the sport to rest and regroup rather than labeling it “retiring,” the quitter responded, “I’m comfortable in Wrangler.”
The 1-time Super Bowl champion’s return to the game is expected to last forever due to the fact that his abrupt departure and general not being around was the kind of great thing for the world of sports that only happens once. It may simply never happen again in this millennium. Well, except for that one other time.