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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 15

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
In Idaho, the 4th of July is a really big deal. I mean, I understand that in America, the 4th of July is a really big deal everywhere, but I’ve been to a lot of 4th of July parties and celebrations in a lot of different states and I can say without a doubt that Idaho really goes crazy over the 4th.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

The town I was in was approximately 3,000 people – a large town by Idaho standards. And over the 4th, they’d have all kinds of events, a fair, a rodeo, etc. And the town would get packed – it would grow about an order of magnitude and suddenly have between 30 and 40,000 people. And the festivities were like a 3 day ho-down. It being Idaho, most people would wake up and drink – and drink a lot. The bars were really open starting early in the day (before noon) and would close at 2am.

This made for one of my favorite weekends there too. I’m no cowboy, but any group of crazy assholes that’s willing to drink for 15 or more hours straight, well, they’re alright with me. The thing about living in a small town that becomes a pretty big city for 3 days is that almost everyone in the small town has to pitch in to keep things running smoothly.

Now, another thing about outsiders, the locals don’t much care for you until they need your assistance, then it’s all smiles from the bank teller or the lady at the bakery. Those are just two of the three places I frequented. The other was the bar. And over the 4th of July, the bars would get slammed. Amazingly, the locals were such heavy drinkers that this town of 3,000 had 5 bars. And they weren’t all huge, but even the small ones would open their parking lots up over the 4th so they could accommodate that many people.

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Jim Zorn, Redskins contact FBI

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Following a humiliating 19-14 loss to the hapless Detroit Lions, the Redskins said all the things a loser team typically says. Then they shocked the world when Jim Zorn and Dan Snyder appeared together following their post-game interviews and admitted that they had enlisted the FBI to take part in a nationwide search for Zorn’s career. Zorn, 56, admitted anyone could have taken it because he’s had his head up his ass the first three weeks of the season.

Zorn and Cruise discuss the only thing they're qualified to discuss: what would happen if the kind of troll that hides under a bridge did it with a unicorn.

Zorn and Cruise discuss the only thing they're qualified to discuss: what would happen if the kind of troll that hides under a bridge did it with a unicorn.

Zorn said, “I should have realized something was up last week when I called for us to go for it on 4th and short twice in the redzone during the final 2 minutes of last week’s game when we were up by 2. Jason Campbell must have told me that he learned in second grade that 2 plus 3 is 5 and being up by more than 3 in the final 2 minutes is a really big deal. Frankly, I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

Before Zorn could finish talking, the towel boy shouted, “Jimmy! Jimmy, shut the fuck up, man.”

Snyder told the FBI that Zorn’s career seriously could have been lost anywhere between games in Washington, Baltimore, Jacksonville, and New York before Sunday’s game in Detroit. “We don’t want to rule anything out. I’ve put a 10 million dollar bounty on the person who stole Zorn’s career. I mean, I’m going to fire him, but I feel like I need to kick his career’s ass before shoving him out the door.”

The FBI was asked to comment but was unable to say much substantive due to the on-going investigation. One officer, on condition of anonymity said, “This is the damnedest case I’ve ever worked. Man, have you talked to this guy? He’s lost. My 105 year old grandfather makes more sense when I talk to him. We can’t even rule out that he lost his career last year and just didn’t notice it until today. It’s kind of sad, really.”