I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 63

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I’m no role model. Seriously, if your children turn out like me, they’ll be happy and well-liked and what memories they’ve been able to retain through the alcohol and drug abuse will be great memories, but they’ll also be on the fast track to Hell. Unless they’re just like me, in which case, they don’t believe in Hell or the rest of that hocus and live a completely hedonist lifestyle with no negative repurcussions.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

But some of my actions don’t just negatively affect me. No, others are scarred by them too. Now, I have some family friends who have done quite well for themselves in life. They have a lot of money, a huge mansion down in Georgia, and a beautiful beach house off the coast of Hilton Head. I assume the reason they’ve done so well is that they’re awesome, which is probably the only reason they tolerate me and the things that I do.

Now, this family is composed of a husband and wife and two kids. The daughter is my age and we grew up playing “doctor” together. The son is two years younger than us, but every bit as wild and unpredictable as myself. If I had to compare him to anyone, he’s probably like Tucker Max – he’s got money, looks, and a silver tongue. We’ll just call her Tiny and him Tucker.

I’ll go ahead and assume that most of you folks reading this have never been on a private island, so I’ll try to paint a picture for you. First, you have to get there. This particular island has a ferry that runs out there and the ride takes about 45 minutes. There are no cars on the island apart from the bus that takes people and their luggage from the dock to their houses. There are however, golf carts. The island itself has a few courses built on it, with most of the houses being ocean front and the courses being in the front yards. There are a bunch of artificial ponds all over the island to water the courses, which have also been stocked with bass to make for pretty incredible fishing. And of course, alligators have moved in. There can’t be golf courses without a club house and as club houses go, this is the largest, most impressive, I have ever seen. There is a huge dining area, two pools, a hot tub, a gym, a beach volleyball area, and other miscellaneous perks that would sound insignificant here, but when they’re available, you appreciate them.

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Live, from the SEC Tournament

Welcome to the EJSIC’s Live Coverage of the SEC Tournament. I’ll give you updates as the night progresses.

7:15 – Florida vs. The world in here tonight. Kentucky fans making their preference heard.

7:38 – By the way, if anyone ever offers complementary parking, decline. Gonna be an effing 30 walk later on……

7:41 – Florida playing like garbage. They’re in easily with even a close loss, but a blowout could leave them sweating it on Selection Sunday.

7:48 – Boynton against the world.

7:51 – Boynton, Parsons, and Walker have 41 of Florida’s 45 points. BTW, no cowbell for MSU tonight. I’m told that’s a football only concept.

8:10 – Tension is rising in the stands. Some drunk guy just spilled the lady behind me’s $5 bottle of water. Meanwhile, Florida has clawed back to within 10.

8:21 – My 2 good buddies that are Florida fans scalped 2 tickets right in the middle of the Miss St section. Sucks for them. That’s a rowdy bunch.

8:25 – I believe there is something stuck in Dan Werner’s throat…..”chokin on a splinta”

8:35 – Well, that turned out to be a good ending. Florida saved face with a close finish. Put both these teams in the Dance.

Flask is empty. This sucks……

EJSIC @ the SEC tournament

That’s right. Yours truly has been dispatched to provide up-to-the-minute updates live from the site of the 2010 SEC tournament at the “whatever-they’re-calling-it-now-that-the -Sommet-Group-failed-to-make-payment Center” in Nashville, TN. EJSIC will be your first stop for the sights, sounds, and even smells (if I can find a way to capture them on my phone) of the 2010 installment of the UK Invitational.

To get things started, here are the 3 biggest story lines heading into the tournament, and the 3 things I’m looking forward to the most:

Tournament Story Lines:

1. Will the runaway-train that has been the 2009-10 version of the Kentucky Wildcats continue their resurgence with a tournament title? The obvious favorites going in to the event, it will be interesting to see if the C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS will be able to continue to build on their 29-2 (14-2) record by capturing the tournament championship. THE most talented team in the country (IMO), the Cats have been dominant at home, but have proven to be shaky away from Rupp Arena, including losses at Tennessee and against the fightin’ Devon Downey’s, as well as close games against Vanderbilt, Mississippi State, and Auburn. It will be interesting to see how this freshman dominated team will perform in what will be the first college tournament situation for most.

Can anyone derail DeCuz and the UK crazy train?

All that said, make no mistake about it; Nashville will become Lexington south this weekend, just as it is whenever UK comes to town.

2. Bubbles bursting. It is my opinion that none of Florida, Ole Miss, and Mississippi State will make the Big Dance without a win in this tournament, and it is shaping up to be elimination Friday, with potential Tennessee/Ole Miss and Florida/Miss St matchups.

3. Who is SEC POY? The case for Devon Downey over either of John Wall or DeMarcus Cousins was a strong one after ‘lil Carolina’s upset of then #1 UK, but it has become increasingly difficult to ignore the team’s late season slide. However, Downey may have thrust himself back into consideration, after a 26 point performance last week at the dump that is Memorial Gym. With a deep tourney run, and perhaps another upset of Kentucky should they beat ‘Bama on Thursday, things could get interesting.

Things I’m Looking Forward To:

Bruce Pearl is a show unto himself.

1. Vandy fans. I was at the SEC/Sun Belt Classic in mid-December, which showcased MTSU vs. Tennessee and Vandy vs. Western Kentucky at the same venue as the SEC tournament. Vandy fans showed why they were the joke of the SEC by managing to attract **maybe** 200 fans to a game in their hometown. Meanwhile, WKU had 6-8 thousand, and were a raucous bunch. No one would have guessed they were the team 4-3 heading in and Vandy was the team nationally ranked. Well Vandy fans (or as I like to call them, “Alabama football fans“), here’s your chance to redeem yourselves. I don’t expect any more than 400 of you, so don’t disappoint me.

2. A live view of “Dermal Soul Glo I’ve heard stories, but I want to see for myself if Bruce really does glow.

3. Demarcus Cousins. I’ve been eagerly awaiting this ticking-time-bomb’s explosion all year. If this kid played in the ACC, he already would have been involved in brawls with Chas McFarland and Ryan Reid, and having the opposing fans get a hold of your phone number would be a weekly ordeal. But even in a league as physically flaccid as the SEC, Cousins has been driven to temper tantrums and dirty plays numerous times. If he’s gonna flip out, and he will eventually, I just want to be there to see it.

I’m also looking forward to some “pity” beers to be bought for me by those feeling sorry for me, in my North Carolina t-shirt, although I don’t expect Kentucky fans to be overly willing to support my cause…………..dafunk…………….out.

Got a question, an angle you’d like me to cover at the tourney, or some hate-filled garbage to spew???? Shoot me an email at dafunk.EJSIC@yahoo.com, and I’ll get back to ya ASAP.

EJSIC’s SEC Review & Preview

After a dismal showing in 08-09, the SEC was justly rewarded with a paltry 3 participants in the NCAA tournament. When you factor in that one of those teams got in solely by winning the SEC Tournament Automatic Bid, you’d be hard pressed to find a worse overall year for the league in recent history.

With a year of disappointment behind them, 09-10 has been billed as a big rebound year for the SEC. An influx of new coaches and new talent, combined with a slew of veteran all-conference players returning to school, means expectations have risen significantly. With the out of conference portion of the schedule behind them, how have the teams of the SEC fared versus those expectations to date? As you might expect, the results have been mixed.

Team Assessments:

Alabama – Like many teams in the league, the Crimson Tide have anointed a new leader for 09-10. New Head Coach Anthony Grant brings a great pedigree and a record of success to Alabama. His skills as both a motivator and tactician have been on display in the Tide’s wins over Baylor, Providence, and Michigan. However, things haven’t exactly been “coming up roses” for Bama basketball [That's a really bad reference to the Rose bowl right there. It's how I "Roll"], as the Tide have yet to secure an “NCAA resume” win. All of their 4 losses have been to quality opponents (Cornell, FSU, Purdue & K-State), but quality losses will only get you so far. Alabama will need to perform very well in the SEC (probably needing 11 plus wins) in order to get into the big dance. Anthony Grant has talent to work with in Mikhail Torrance and JaMychal Green to go along with a guard heavy roster, but you have to wonder if it will be enough in year one.
Non-conference Grade: B | Postseason Projection: NIT


No, that's not a girl with a mustache. That's John Pelphrey's meal ticket.

Arkansas – John Pelphrey is starting to feel the heat in Fayetteville. Forced to suspend 5 players following an incident in a campus Fraternity house involving allegations of rape, the Razorbacks have struggled mightily out of the gate. Embarrassing losses to the likes of Morgan State, East Tennessee State and South Alabama have dug a substantial hole for the Hogs heading into conference play. At 7-8, with no wins of note on their resume, even the NIT may be a stretch at this point. There is hope, however, as the Razorbacks have returned All-SEC caliber PG Cortney Fortson to the line up. Fortson, combined with sharp-shooter Rotnei Clarke and potential NBA 1st rounder Mike Washington, could be enough for the Hogs to make a run in the SEC. One thing’s for sure there will be zero margin for error going forward.
Non-Conference Grade: D- | Postseason Projection: None


Auburn – Poor Jeff Lebo. The guy is a decent coach, but he seems doomed to get sucked into the black hole that is Auburn basketball. Despite the recent University investment in a new arena and practice facility, you have to think that no one cares less about their basketball program in the SEC than Auburn Tiger fans. Considering the overall commitment to basketball in the conference, that’s saying a lot. This season’s version of the basketball Tigers bears a close resemblance to those of year’s past. Under-skilled and under-manned, the Tigers have lost to Missouri State, UCF, Troy, and Sam Houston State, while compiling an non-compelling 9-6 record. One bright spot for the Tigers is their balanced scoring, as they have 4 players averaging more than 13 points per game. That said, Auburn is going to struggle in league play. Here’s hoping the Tiger’s Administration gives Lebo the opportunity to use the coming facility improvements to his advantage on the recruiting trail.
Non-conference Grade: D | Postseason Projection: None

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A Busy Day for PETA

The continuous laundry list of insane ideas and comments coming from the desks of the PETA offices is longer than Jose’s naughty list.

But even they have had themselves a busy couple of days.

First, they tried to get an ad run during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade urging us all to not eat turkey.  Nevermind that IF the ad were to actually air during the parade – a time at which the majority of Thanksgiving day turkeys are already swimming in their own juices in the ovens of our great nation – all that it would do is give the audience pause for a moment before Matt Lauer or Meredith Viera divert all attention back to some giant balloon cartoon character or High School Musical float.  People want to eat on Thanksgiving…not be lectured.

Needless to say, the ad will apparently never see the light of crisp, delicious poultry-filled day.

But, that’s not all they’ve been up to.

Now, they have turned their sights on the sporting world again.  They are urging the still-mourning University of Georgia that they should consider a less live version of their beloved mascot, Uga…in the form of a costume or a robo-dog.

That’s right…a robot dog.

UGA 2000?

UGA 2000?

I mean, I love a cold, soul-less hunk of metal as much as anyone, but something tells me cyber-Uga just wouldn’t rally the Georgia faithful.  Maybe it’s just me.

Just eat your cranberries and human-breast milk whipped cream, PETA,  and let the rest of us enjoy our holiday weekend.