For The Love of God, Can We Get Tiger Woods Some Strange?

Listen, I have a pretty good moral compass.  I was raised Southern Baptist.  I don’t illegally download music.  I don’t cheat on my taxes.  I’d never have an extramarital affair not involving Zooey Deschanel and/or Rachel McAdams.

What Tiger Woods did to his wife and family was reprehensible.  He deserves any and all punishment Elin and her lawyers give him.  He screwed up, royally.  Having said that, what he’s currently doing on the golf course is just as disgusting.  It’s obvious he’s lost his mojo.  We shouldn’t be surprised.

We’ve seen this throughout history.  Samson cut his hair, and lost his strength.  Popeye ran out of spinach, and became nearly as scrawny as Olive Oyl.  Tiger Woods goes to sex rehab, and his golf game goes to hell.

We need to get this guy laid.  And fast.

Now, you might be thinking I’m an insensitive prick.  But I prefer to call myself a realist.  His marriage is over.  Why bother trying to “straighten up and fly right” at this point?  Besides, if Elin is really taking $700 million out of his pocket, he needs to start winning some cash.

So, if you’re a slutty (white) waitress or a (white) porn starlet, or just a (white) girl with a tight (white) caboose and loose morals, get in touch with Tiger ASAP.  Ask not what the game of golf can do for you, but who you can do for the game of golf.

(The answer’s Tiger Woods, you dumb skank.)

In regards to Tiger Woods and his language

Can somebody explain to me why people feel the need to criticize Tiger Woods for his mouth? He is a grown man playing in a highly competitive event after a five month lay-off. Who here doesn’t let one of Carlin’s seven words fly after an errant tee shot?
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Can CBS and Jim Nantz, or any of the other networks, complain when they dress the tee box with extra microphones? Seriously, they want to bring the experience to the fan, yet they don’t want to offend anybody. Sports take place in the heat of the moment, to borrow an old cliche, and no one can expect any athlete to behave differently.

Sure, some are able to keep their emotions under control. Phil Mickelson, who also has a large following, kept his mouth clean throughout the weekend. But, it is unreasonable to have the same expectations of two different people.

And before anybody tells me, I know Tiger said he would be showing more respect for the game as well as keeping his emotions under control, but can we really believe that? Of course not. He said it for the PR move, not for sincerity, and I’m not even going to bash Tiger for that. I could care less.

I don’t see and hear sport commentators griping when a dugout mic picks up the errant F-word in baseball. Better yet, why don’t we wire every lineman in football, both offense and defense, and hear what goes on at the bottom of the pile? Or does that ruin the sanctity of the game as well?

Elitist Jerk of the Week; 2/18/2010

Check out the gun show over here. BOOM.

Apparently public enemy number 1, Tiger Woods, has had enough of banging the loose women down at his Mississippi sex addiction clinic, and has decided that a select few, hand picked media members will be awarded the opportunity to watch him, live, and in person, recite a statement nearly 4 months in the making.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wow dafunk. That’s a lot of commas.”

I agree. It’s absurd.

Anywho, it is impressive that a man who was once the biggest sports star on the planet [but has since proven himself to be a complete and total fraud] has the gumption to lay down the law like that to the sports media.

Quite frankly, he’s an inspiration to elitist jerks everywhere, and that is why he is the inaugural Elistist Jerk of the Week.

Biggest loser in this whole affair: The public, for being exposed to the thought of Tiger having sex with this.

Biggest winner: Perkins Restaurant. As long as they capitalize on the Lawton/Woods saga by [in]appropriately modifying their current “Breakfast is Just the Beginning” slogan. Its really just, too easy…..(TWSS)

Tom Rinaldi reaches out to Elin Nordegren

ESPN golf reporter Tom Rinaldi has reportedly reached out to the disgruntled wife of superstar Tiger Woods as his list of mistresses continues to grow if not by the day, then by the hour at the very least. Elin Nordegren left the couple’s house amidst the scandal which is when Rinaldi decided to get involved.

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Tiger Woods with wife Elin Nordegren

Speaking to us via a hotel telephone in an undisclosed Florida city, Rinaldi had the following to say of his actions: “I just told Elin to keep her head up. She’s not the only one Tiger has cheated on. There’s other people out there she can talk to who love her and can help.”

Before any other information could be discerned, muffled voices were heard in the background until Rinaldi returned to the conversation with: “Okay, where was I?”

EJSIC asked the reporter who else Tiger had cheated on since his earlier statement seemed to convey inside information. “I think back a couple years ago when Tiger said he would grant an exclusive interview with one reporter. Everyone in the business was vying for the opportunity. Tiger told me I had the inside track and then he gave the interview with the lifeless Jim Gray. I was heartbroken.”

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At this point, more background noise occurred for which Rinaldi apologized before adding this final statement: “I’ll just say, I know exactly what Elin is going through right now which makes me and her… umm, which is why I reached out to her. I have to report on SportsCenter soon so this interview is over.” Before EJSIC could thank Mr. Rinaldi for his time, the line clicked dead.

Drama!

Damn you, media!!!!!

Damn you, media!!!!!

The PGA has become like a 6th grade girl’s slumber party in the last two weeks. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he’s like the hot chick who just hit her awkward phase. And the American media, as tit-less and homely as the nastiest middle schooler, is all too eager to tear him down. It’s the American way. This is why, rather than working hard to become successful, about half of the workforce is happy doing nothing but shopping on the internet and tearing down those that are capable. And why would those adults act any differntly? It’s all they learned by growing up in this country.

So, while life for Tiger had been all pillow fights and aloofness with the media, now it’s something more. It’s a struggle to remain the Alpha golfer while everyone else is quick to rip into him. They’re lining up like that scene in Airplane! to slap him down in some attempt to become his equal once again.

Everyone from the Florida Police Department to TMZ is looking to get their licks in. It doesn’t even make sense. The dude had a freaking car accident. Yeah, the stories that leaked out were weird, but is that Tiger’s fault or is that on the media? And with every story the media reported, each as inaccurate as the last, Americans started thinking of this event as more and more scandalous. And every American loves a good scandal. So, now this soap opera, that for the most part has been fabricated by the media to benefit the media, is being discussed in literally every walk of life.

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Tiger Woods is Sport's First Billion Dollar Man

Tiger Woods and his Pile of Cash

As this article from Yahoo! Sports attests, Tiger Woods has now become the biggest athlete-earner in the history of sports. He has now rang up more than $1 Billion over his illustrious career.

Unreal.

The Dude plays golf… For a living…  And he’s made a billion dollars doing it. On top of that, he’s married to a Swedish model!

I mean, for crying out loud, there’s no way that’s fair. Is there anyone you’d rather trade lives with than Tiger Woods? Leave your suggestions below.