Grainy Footage Clearly Shows Basketball Assault

Footage released this week in the aftermath of South Carolina’s shocking upset of Top Ranked Kentucky has been reported to show star freshman DeMarcus Cousins assaulting a South Carolina Student as the student rushed the court at the end of the game. See Footage Here.

BigfootExtensive research on the alleged incident by the EJSIC staff has revealed something far more troubling, however. It appears, after several viewings of the tiny corner of the grainy footage, that not only did the assault take place, but it took place directly in front of Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and the Grassy Knoll Shooter, all of whom were attending the game as Kentucky coach John Calipari’s most recent celebrity guests.

“It really was terrible,” Bigfoot said when reached back at his secret lair somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. “The kid was just trying to call DeMarcus names before he ran out on the court to celebrate and then DeMarcus hauled off and gave him a chicken wing and then cold-cocked him.”

“You just hate to see something like this happen,” Mr. Foot continued. “One minute I was in the locker room before the game talking to the kids about making sure your number 1 ranking doesn’t just become some kind of legend and then something like this happens.”

The Loch Ness Monster echoed Bigfoot’s concerns. When asked about the chicken wing specifically, Mr. Monster simply replied “Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm chicken wings.”

Citing longstanding CIA concerns, Mr. Shooter declined a request to be interviewed for this story.

EJSIC will have more information about this breaking story as it becomes available.