I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 26

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I spent 5 years in college because it really is a great time. So great that after college, I went to a new college for a Masters. And after some time in the real world, I went back to the Greatest Place on Earth for a PhD. God knows, the reason I love college so much is because of the hot, young tail.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

I’m not even attractive, but girls between the ages of 18 and 22 are stupid. So stupid that they don’t realize that by sleeping with me, they are in no way setting themselves up to date me. They are, however, providing me with stories to later spread around the internet to encourage a younger, more capable generation of unattractive men to treat them with essentially no respect and do things with them that would make porn stars blush.

One of the things that happens when you put a group of blatantly immature men in close proximity with ignorantly immature women and no adult chaperones is terrible decisions. One of my favorite mainstays, and admittedly terrible decisions, from college was “taking a break.” I was constantly taking breaks from the girls I was dating, only to make up after a wild night.

When you decide you need a break, it’s usually planned and usually immediately before you know you’re going to do something that would get you in so much trouble it would ruin your relationship that currently affords you all the no-strings-attached sex you want. Well, round about sophomore year, I was on a break…

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 52

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Some stories are shorter than others, but that really doesn’t make them any less funny. I think all guys go through a stage. No, I hope all guys go through a stage where they read about funny sexual acts (use some common sense and realize that nothing in these links is safe for work, but if you visit, look around – it’s amusing) like “the Abe Lincoln (#93 – I chose this link for the list),” “dirty sanchez,” “the houdini, “the dog in a bathtub,” or “the zombie.” Because if most guys don’t read about them and laugh, then I’m a worse human being than I originally thought.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, please, take some time and visit all of those sites and read about them – I went to great lengths to find a number of different links.

And while I find those lewd acts humorous, I would never try to actually perform them on a girl, right? No, really, I wouldn’t do that on purpose. Even if I brought some nasty chick back from a bar to her house or the woods or something, I wouldn’t wipe her own fecal material across her upper lip. It’s bad enough that I just gave her herpes.

Just kidding, but STD jokes are my favorite. Anyhow, I don’t have many one night stands and that’s really the only opportunity to do something so vile and degrading anyway. Ok, that’s a blatant lie.

While in college, I was dating two girls at the same time for a while. And more often than not, I’d go out drinking with friends and whichever one I ran into, I’d go home with. If I didn’t see one out that night, I’d have to decide if I was in the mood for the blonde or the brunette, and that’s the one I’d call when I got home.

On this particular night, I ran into Helen Hunt while I was out and she and I hung out for a while drinking. We got pretty well buzzed, well, I did. She got good and wasted. And later that night, we headed back to my apartment. We went upstairs and started fooling around.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 19

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
When I first went to college, I didn’t have to adjust much. Most kids when they head off to college are experiencing life outside of their parents’ house for the first time ever. But for me, I had spent an entire summer living with friends or passing out drunk at parties. You see, my folks had kicked me out of the house because I was such a terrible person. It was a good decision on their part and I’m grateful they took me back in.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, when I got to college, I had to adjust to living with some dude I had never met, but life really didn’t change too much. At South Carolina, I lived with a guy from Spartanburg. He was pretty cool and I considered myself lucky to know him because it could have been much worse. He was a big kid that couldn’t hold his liquor at all, so every time we went out, I had to listen to him vomit. I stopped going to parties with him. About half way through the semester, he started pledging TKE and moved out of our dorm. So then I had the room to myself the rest of the semester.

Then after transferring out to the midwest, I ended up with a really cool guy who I got along with great. We’ll call him Bones. I still get along well with him and really enjoy every time I run in to him. He and I were the same majors and both liked going to similar parties, so it worked really well. We came from totally different worlds though – he was Italian and grew up in Philly. But being the same majors, we had a lot of common ground. He was a year ahead of me in school – so at the start of my sophomore year, he moved out to an apartment and I got a new roomate, Evil Twin.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 29

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
There really is no worse feeling than enjoying something that is really great, only to be interrupted. The interruptions are usually uncomfortable, unpleasant, and always unwanted. At least from my point of view and my selfish view of the world. Most of the time, when a romantic encounter is interrupted, my friends are to blame. But the funniest moments are when the interrupters are her friends or better yet, her family.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

In college, I would always head back to my parents’ house for the holidays. But after being at home for a few weeks, by Christmas, I was usually ready to head back to my apartment for a few days for a bit of a break before coming back to my home town for New Years.

Now, when you’re loosely dating a few girls and they know you’re coming back to your place, this is trouble. I usually hadn’t seen them for a few weeks and they all wanted to stop by to see me. I can’t have that. So, I’d make some story about how it would be on my way to swing by their house to say hi to their family and bring presents, then I’d go to my place the next day. Of course, I’d actually be going to another girl’s place with the same tired story, but it worked.

So, after Christmas my junior year, I headed back up to school and decided to stop at Helen Hunt’s place “on the way.” Her house was seriously three hours out of my way, but that’s better than spending my few days away from my family worrying about having two visitors show up at the same time.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 17

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I have told you before, I drank a lot in high school and college. They were great times full of fun and adventure. And just as importantly, I was safe about it. I never drank and drove. Well, I did once in high school but not after that. And that actually makes for a humorous side story before I even start telling this next of my wild experiences.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

In high school, after drinking far too much one Saturday night, my friends dropped me off back at my parents’ house, but insisted that I sleep in my car because I had gotten too drunk to allow to enter my house – even if through the basement just to sleep on the couch. I would have made too much noise.

So, I guess I climbed in my car to go to sleep, but being ridiculously drunk, decided I’d go for a ride. My friends were worried, so they followed me to make sure I didn’t get in trouble. Apparently I ended up parked sideways in some lady’s driveway, then after doing like an 80 point turn, managed to drive down to the community pool, where I accidentally parked my car against the fence to the pool, stuck on a hill with a 50 degree incline. I wasn’t moving anymore, so my friends left me there to sleep. I woke up in the morning, with my car in a really bad spot and the pool opening in an hour. So, I put it in drive (it was an automatic) and got behind it to push it off the fence and up the hill. That worked, and the car caught the flat ground and drove squarely into a tree. But the good news is I was able to get out of the pool area before anyone found me. I got home and went to bed on the couch – just as I should have the night before.

But with that experience came a valuable lesson. Never drink and drive. And I never did. If people could rely on me for just one thing, that was it. My friends, not so much.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 52

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Some stories are shorter than others, but that really doesn’t make them any less funny. I think all guys go through a stage. No, I hope all guys go through a stage where they read about funny sexual acts (use some common sense and realize that nothing in these links is safe for work, but if you visit, look around – it’s amusing) like “the Abe Lincoln (#93 – I chose this link for the list),” “dirty sanchez,” “the houdini, “the dog in a bathtub,” or “the zombie.” Because if most guys don’t read about them and laugh, then I’m a worse human being than I originally thought.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, please, take some time and visit all of those sites and read about them – I went to great lengths to find a number of different links.

And while I find those lewd acts humorous, I would never try to actually perform them on a girl, right? No, really, I wouldn’t do that on purpose. Even if I brought some nasty chick back from a bar to her house or the woods or something, I wouldn’t wipe her own fecal material across her upper lip. It’s bad enough that I just gave her herpes.

Just kidding, but STD jokes are my favorite. Anyhow, I don’t have many one night stands and that’s really the only opportunity to do something so vile and degrading anyway. Ok, that’s a blatant lie.

While in college, I was dating two girls at the same time for a while. And more often than not, I’d go out drinking with friends and whichever one I ran into, I’d go home with. If I didn’t see one out that night, I’d have to decide if I was in the mood for the blonde or the brunette, and that’s the one I’d call when I got home.

On this particular night, I ran into Helen Hunt while I was out and she and I hung out for a while drinking. We got pretty well buzzed, well, I did. She got good and wasted. And later that night, we headed back to my apartment. We went upstairs and started fooling around.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 33

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
So, as I’ve said, in college I was dating a few girls at the same time. Maybe it’s inappropriate, but let’s tell some stories. Helen Hunt was pretty and proper. She was great in the sack and really had a lot going for her. But she was a little needy and didn’t find my drinking to be humorous nor did she like doing much outside so I always felt like I was forcing her to do things with me.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

The other girl we’ll call “Dirty.” That’s actually what we called her in college. She didn’t have any diseases that I know about – or put another way, I didn’t catch anything from her. But she had this stink about her that I hadn’t experienced at this point in my life. I think she just lacked your basic genital hygeine. A big downside, but she was also a model, a lot of fun, didn’t expect anything serious, and would jump when I asked her to do something.

So, they both had good and bad and more importantly, while not thrilled about the competition, at least put up with it. So, this one year over Thanksgiving, I might have pushed Helen too far. I took Dirty down to my parents’ house over break. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal to me, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t have a huge fight over this when I got back.

But, while I was at home, I think Dirty liked the idea of being invited to meet my parents and wanted to show how grateful she was – Dirty was all about getting it on. And I was happy to oblige. We’d spend most of our time in the basement drinking or messing around. I’ve got a big family and a lot of cousins and siblings about my age, so we’d all hang out together drinking more than our parents approved of.

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