Are you having trouble picking a team to root for in the Superbowl? Can’t decide if you want the baby horses or the holy soul of a dead Catholic to win? Well, EJSIC’s got you covered because you need a team on Super Sunday.
There are numerous methods to picking a team. You could go with the ever popular conference affiliation system in which you root for the team that represents the conference your real favorite team plays in. For example, if you are a fan of the Oakland Raiders (well, first LOL at you) then you would root for the Colts based upon both teams playing in the AFC.
Another popular choice is the female method. In this system, you root for the team with the best color combination or hottest quarterback. Usually, this is reserved only for females, homosexuals, and people with an IQ below 70, but if you’re desperate, it can come in handy. If you liked the colors blue and white together or a quarterback with a neanderthal forehead, then you would bandwagon the Colts.
However, let me introduce you to a third method. There is no specific name for it, but it involves a comparison of the two teams and the cities they represent. No, I will not bore you with season averages, strengths and weaknesses, and anything else you’ll hear ad nauseum between now and kickoff. Instead, it will be a thorough comparison of the unique characteristics that should make your choice much easier.
Category 1: Festivities
Indianapolis – Indy 500
New Orleans – Mardi Gras
The folks in Indy love their computer-controlled racecars while the residents of Nola drink for a week straight and toss beaded necklaces for displays of skin. I don’t know about you, but alcohol + boobs = winner in my book.
New Orleans 1, Indianapolis 0
Category 2: Superstar wives/significant others
Indianapolis – QB Peyton Manning’s wife Ashley
New Orleans – Reggie Bush’s girlfriend Kim Kardashian
KK is a skank, but she is much more famous than Ashley Manning. One thing Ash has going for her though (in my book at least) is that she is from the Bluff City so I give her props for being a native Memphian. Also, she’s been with Peyton before he made his money and isn’t looking to be some hot chick on a superstar’s arm like Miss Skank. In the end though, America is all about popularity so New Orleans scores another point.
New Orleans 2, Indianapolis 0
Category 3: Good/Evil concept
Indianapolis – Good guys
New Orleans – Good guys
Both teams are generally held in high regard among NFL fans. When the Colts were battling the Patriots for the last decade, everyone outside of New England and Colin Cowherd hated the Cheatriots. We loved Manning and Dungy and the classy outfit in the Midwest. They lost some supporters in giving up the undefeated season, but it worked for them. New Orleans has had America’s heart in a death grip since the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina. Both teams split this point.
New Orleans 2 1/2, Indianapolis 1/2
Category 4: Superstar slayer
Indianapolis – Defeated Tom Brady in the regular season
New Orleans – Defeated Brett Favre in the NFC Championship game
Again, only Colin Cowherd and the greater Boston area likes Tom Brady. The rest of us see him as the arrogant puppet of a psychotic coach that he really is. Plenty of people still love Brett Favre, but the list is growing against him. Thankfully, Nola spared us from two weeks of Favre-slobbering by knocking his old ass out of the playoffs and hopefully into retirement. Plus, a win in the playoffs is always worth more than the regular season.
New Orleans 3 1/2, Indiapolis 1/2
It appears we have a winner: the New Orleans Saints. The undeniable flash and party atmosphere they posses was enough to overcome the quiet consistency of the Colts. I wish both teams the best of luck in the game, but I’ll be rooting for the New Orleans Saints.