From Al’s inbox: An important announcement

You swine! A vaccine is too late for Al.

You swine! A vaccine is too late for Al.

To my fans: I apologize for my long absence. It appears that I might have contracted the swine flu, since I was properly vaccinated against the other flu more than a month ago. But I’m back now and as witty as ever.

Today, in my inbox, amidst the usual offers for a better sex life, $6 million from Ethiopian princes (who knew there were so many?), and a reduced rate on the H1N1 Swine Flu vaccine (it’s a little too late for that),  I received the following important announcement:

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is coming October 23rd!!

October 23rd  is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:  Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t care about?  Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?  Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!  Here are the rules you must follow:

  • You can only slap one person per hour – no more.
  • You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
  • You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
  • No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
  • If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping  on October 23rd….. and have a great slapping day!

Of course, the difficulty with this is that I’m a telecommuter who works from home and often, the people I want to slap, are hundreds of miles away. When I mentioned this to the guy who sent the e-mail, he responded with:  “Take that, you swine.”

And life comes full circle.

Last Minute Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas… For Jerks

He had it coming.

V-Day is upon us, Gentlemen. The time has come to sacrifice your wallet at the altar of Love, in hopes of being repaid with continued sexual contact with your person of choice.

For those of you who haven’t gotten the card or gift yet, and I know it’s about 90% of those reading this blog, we’ve decided to compile a list of last minute ideas from our Jerks. At the very least, we guarantee these ideas will make your Valentine’s weekend… interesting.

Vagabond Joe: A Soap Opera Digest and two packs of Ramen noodles (you know, so she doesn’t have to cook…..that much.)

Small Arms McGee: Diet pills, Snow tires, Life insurance and/or Small Arms McGee (He’s cheap at least).

Jose Kortez: I can give her my doctor’s number, but there’s no cure for herpes.

Michael Street: A large Whitman’s assorted chocolates and a 12 pack of Slim-Fast. She’ll be confused for days.

Shred Torn: You’ve run out of time. No problem, there are plenty of things all around you to use as a gift for your girlfriend or wife. Sure, you could do flowers or candy, but maybe the store already closed. Use your environment. That’s all you need. You can turn your environment into Kay Jewelry commercial level cheesiness with the right utilization. Do you live in an area of snow? Maybe you can go outside and write “I love you ” in the snow with your foot so that when she looks out the window a floor or more up, she can see it clearly. Maybe you carve it into the shape of a heart. Or maybe you don’t have any snow around. Don’t sweat it. If you have Cheerios or some other ring-shaped cereal, leave a heart-shape cereal loop on the breakfast table for her when she wakes up. Or fog up the bathroom and make a heart or write something sweet in the fog on the mirror. Hell, if you can, do them all. Women eat this shit up. Look around you — the opportunities are endless. [Shred decided to actually be helpful.]

Flop Floppenhauffer: For those of you with a “short-term” Valentine’s weekend relationship in mind, I suggest you leave a nice gift basket with scented lotions, oils, and candles, along with one of these and a pack of this. It’s really the least you could do.

So, there you have it. Best of luck and may you all post above average scores this weekend.