I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 43

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
While living in Michigan, there is a window of about 2 or 2 and a half months of decent weather. During this time, the poor saps who are in undergrad go home for summer break, missing the only redeeming qualities of the UP. And the faculty and grad students who remain in town (and the thousands of FIBs who flock northwards) try to find any and every excuse to spend time outside.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

First, in case you don’t know, a FIB is the way Yoopers (a person from the UP) refer to folks from Illinois. Fucking Illinois Bastards come up during the summer, changing the population from 5,000 to 15,000 and thinking that their money should buy them everything they want because we’re all just poor people living in a place they want to visit. They’re everything that is wrong with America and it took only a summer to realize that everything about Illinois is worse than being vomited on.

Now, during the summers, we’d organize different sporting events. The biggest deal was softball. It was co-ed. There was alcohol involved. We had free access to the three baseball fields during the college offseason. And the different departments could compete against each other to prove who was the most athletic.

The problem was that there weren’t many biology grad students. In fact, at the time, there were 5 guys and 3 girls. And to field a team, you needed 9 players (10 could play at a time, but you couldn’t even play if you were more than a person short), at least half had to be girls. So, we needed at least one more girl and since summer was field season for biologists, you could count on half of the players missing any given game. So, we decided it would be ok to use our interns/technicians. This roped in a few more guys and most importantly, got us to 5 girls.

One of the new girls that started playing for us was pretty hot. We’ll call her Softball Sue. And, being single at the time, I was kind of interested. And like I said, alcohol was not only involved at the game, but afterwards, both teams would go out drinking. So, I talked her up the first time we were out after a game and was really into her. And she was sending vibes that let me know it was ok. But before anything happened, Doc dragged me out of the place and we went to another bar for a talk.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 45

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I’ve said before that I’m a horrible person. I’ve also said that I make really bad decisions. But sometimes in life, I do something that truly brings to light both my questionable morals as well as my poor decision making. And this was the case for about a three day period of my life in Michigan, which will be the focus of the next two chapters. At this point, I wasn’t even an alcoholic anymore, just a short-term man whore.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Every town has a bar that lets in young riff raff. People who might appear to barely be 21 and therefore don’t bother to ask. And when a guy like me goes to a bar like that, I never ask how old a girl is because it’s her responsibility to obey the laws of the state of Michigan. And at the beginning of this story, we’ll join my evening in progress on a normal Thursday night at my favorite local dive bar. They were the only bar in town that served Guinness but for whatever reason, the place was always empty and beer was filthy cheap. So, on any given night, you might find me in there either drinking a Guinness before heading to bed or drinking a cheap beer in an effort to get blindly wasted to forget all of the stress that comes with graduate school.

And eventhough I was single, I spent most of my time at this bar belly up to the counter, in the seat nearest the beer dispenser, sometimes talking to friends, sometimes to the bartender, but rarely trying to seduce anyone. Mostly because, like most dive bars, you go there for the cheap beers and the solitude, not the wrinkly, haggish, old cougars that are drinking away the rest of their complexion and chain smoking so much that their skin literally changes color. The bartender was pretty hot. And while I’ve been known to dip my pen in company ink, I would never sleep with a bartender at my favorite bar because that’s got to be the stupidest thing a person could do. So, most of my nights there were spent in a quiet stupor.

But on this Thursday night, there was a band and a lot of people in the place.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 59

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
So by now you’re all aware that Evil Twin and I were good friends. I was actually a year older, so he was 18 and I was 19 when we first met (and he had turned 18 like 2 weeks before college started). He didn’t live too far from where we went to school and sometimes would go home on a weekend to hang out with his brother, who is just two years younger than him, and his high school friends. So, one weekend during our first semester, he asked if I had any interest in going back to his place for a night to hang out.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Now, college is awesome and I miss it now that the real world has its teeth in me, but for what ever reason, I decided I’d go back to his parents’ house on a Saturday night during my sophomore year. Another thing to note: Evil Twin had never drank before getting to college. As most kids who tried to get alcohol during high school know, it’s harder to get beer than it is to get pot. So Evil Twin had grown up smoking a lot and had never drank. I’ll tell those stories of his first nights binge drinking, though I bet you can already guess how they play out.

But at Evil Twin’s for the weekend, we didn’t have anything to drink and due to some legal issues, I no longer did any drugs. So, while this was going to be a sober night for me, it was still pretty fun to hang out.

And there’s more – I’ve always been full of hormones. I was always looking to get some. Still am. But, when you go visit your new roomate’s high school friends, you can’t sleep with them unless you get the distinct impression from him that it’s cool. But as it turned out, we didn’t hang out with any girls that night. It turns out his brother and some friends were in this band and they were actually awesome. So we hung out listening to them play and it was a good time. Then, late at night, Evil Twin and Rock Star, his younger brother, headed back to his parents’ place.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 65

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
When I was in high school and college, I spent a lot of my time fishing at the beach. Now, I still spend a lot of my time fishing, but after living around the Great Lakes in grad school, then in Idaho and West Virginia, I spend a lot more time on rivers. But I still love fishing at the beach in the fall/winter. Monster striped bass and huge 15 to 20 pounds bluefish. Just awesome to witness.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

At the time, I couldn’t have guessed, but as a senior in college, I was looking at the last time we’d get down there for a fishing trip for about 5 years. I had Fridays off that semester, so I left after my last class on Thursday and drove down there. My father, who works as hard as any Hispanic on Earth worked that Friday and then came down to the beach trying to arrive around dawn on Saturday, setting us up for full days of fishing on Saturday and Sunday. So, I called The King to see if he had any interest in the trip since he was living in North Carolina at the time. Sure enough, he liked the idea and drove out to meet me on Thursday night.

We fished on Friday but didn’t have any luck. We also drove around to some bait and tackle shops, getting the poles in good shape, new line, bait, etc. That way, we’d be ready to hit the beach early on Saturday. The reports along the Outer Banks weren’t really good – a few sporadic fish caught, but it was really slow. The King and I decided to quit early, go in, and get warmed up. Once we were comfortable and showered, we decided we should go get some dinner.

Now, we have a hotel room reserved for the weekend and my dad is coming down to meet us at dawn, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grab a beer or two and still be ready to go fishing in the morning. So we head to the restaurant across the street that also has a bar – the Port O’Call’s. Some of you may be familiar with it.

Still being in college, we didn’t have a ton of money and decided the best move might be to drink some beers and see if we couldn’t suppress our hunger with alcohol.  Sure enough, about 4 beers in, we decided food was unnecessary and we’d just stay belly up to the bar.  We started getting pretty loaded and talking to everyone within ear shot.  There was a band playing and it was a pretty cool scene because it being the offseason, there weren’t a ton of people there and the ones who were there weren’t the incredibly douchy type that would be there in the summer.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 55

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Shortly after moving to West Virginia, I had a few girls who were interested in the Kortez cock. They were all pretty hot and smart, so I had a decision to make. I don’t get into a relationship with a girl unless she meets those two criteria. There’s other stuff that matters too, like sense of humor, consideration, hygeine, etc. But anyway, it’s rare to find smart, hot women, but to find a bunch of them, interested in a guy who behaves like I do, was unprecedented. So, I tried to keep things pretty low key while I weighed the pros and cons of being with each of them. But while I was doing that, which took about 4 months, I was dating them all.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Not surprisingly, when I told them all about the others, it really didn’t go over well. And while all of them were pissed, somehow my infidelity early in the relationship wasn’t an immediate deal breaker. I assume it’s either because I’m that awesome or because the pot of available men shrinks considerably outside of college.

Now, one of the girls was actually a co-worker. Everyone says this is a bad idea and not to get involved with co-workers, blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m here to say that we still talk and get along fine despite me causing some tears along the way and most importantly, she gave me a few months of great sex before we broke up.

You see, she would drive out to my place, which is an easy half hour from the nearest town and was about an hour from her house. And when she’d get there, we’d usually party for a while before turning in. This was in the late summer/early fall so we’d have a bonfire and a few beers and then most importantly, we’d have great sex. But the sex wouldn’t happen until everyone had left the bonfire and gone home for the night.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 44

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I am full of tragic mistakes. I’ve lived the better part of my life making some of the worst decisions known to man. I’m pretty much recording the highlights here. But the great thing about being young and stupid is that I’m not done creating new stories. It’s fun recounting the dumb shit I did in high school and college and grad school and the states I’ve lived in since then, but sometimes it’s also fun to recount the unbelievable situations I’m getting myself into this minute.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I live in a sparsely populated neighborhood adjacent to the vineyard I work at. There are a few other houses near the vineyard, but I’m the only one that lives and works there. But the people I’ve met there are really great. I get along with them and likewise, they get along with me. We’ll hang out on the weekends and typically drink more than adults should, but what the hell, we live at a vineyard.

As I’ve met more people in the neighborhood, there are some that I’ve become good friends with and some that seem to like the fact that they live far from people and don’t want to get to know me. The few friends I have in the neighborhood, I hang out with on occasion, either having bonfires, going to concerts, or just getting together for drinks from time to time.

About a year ago, I met this girl, The Neighbor, who is a few years younger than me who lives about 5 houses and a half a mile from my house. She was next door and I ran in to her while she was outside. Introductions were made and that was it. I had been dating a girl for about 2 years at the time who we’ll call The Genius. And The Neighbor had a boyfriend of maybe 2 and a half years. She was smoking hot, but then so was my girlfriend, so there wasn’t much to think about. But I’d see her from time to time and we’d talk more and more, getting to know each other better. Somehow, every time I ran into her, my girlfriend and her boyfriend were both doing something else, so we always ended up talking one on one.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 51

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Everyone seems to like a good story about poop. I think it has to do with the entertainment value. If someone is willing to tell a poop story, it’s not to just tell you that it was brown, sank, and flushed without a problem. No, there’s a reason the story needs to be relayed and this story is no different.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I go on a fair number of dates. And when I go, I’m usually more crass than normal. I do this for a number of reasons, but mainly to let the girl know what she can expect if we date into the future. It’s not that I’ll always be an asshole, but that I might be and she shouldn’t be shocked if I’m nice for 2 weeks before she sees me being a jackass. So, that means I usually drink too much on first dates or I might tell outrageous stories. Not too different from those that you read here, though maybe more detailed depending on the reaction I get while telling them.

So, on one occasion, I had a very standard first date night. We went to dinner and then to the movies. Knowing the plans for the evening, I didn’t eat much at dinner because one of my all time favorite foods is movie theater popcorn. Anyway, we went to dinner at some local seafood place and it was really good. I forget what she got but it wasn’t expensive lobster or anything – like Mahi or tuna. I always appreciate when a girl doesn’t try to see how much money you have by trying to buy expensive stuff on a date. It’s not a good test because I might be cheap or I might live well beyond my means and be in great debt – either way, ordering steak or lobster won’t prove anything.

So dinner was nice and we leave there and head to the theater. There’s something about the butter they put on top of fish at restaurants that always upsets my stomach. Another interesting fact, there’s something about the butter they put on top of popcorn at movie theaters that can have me chipping paint from a toilet in a matter of minutes.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 24

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Near Thanksgiving of my senior year of high school, I decided to head off for my first real foray into college life – to spend an entire weekend living the dream. Eating cafeteria food. Drinking 18 hours a day. Exposing myself to an older, more experienced class of women. My friend, with the artistic mother and the house made for an acid test, was a year older than me. We’ll call him “Captain Kung Fu.” So he was now living on his own, surrounded by unsupervised young adults.

Now, maybe I’m sheltered, but a lot of people in our high school weren’t really spending much time on college campuses during our senior year. My friend, we’ll call him “Tree” had a cousin going to college in our town. While I had nothing in common with Tree’s cousin, he could get us in to all kinds of parties we would otherwise have been thrown out of. The one fantastic legacy that Tree’s cousin left me was that he had a computer program that made California IDs. There are so many stories there. Just so many.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Anyway, I made the trip to Captain Kung Fu’s with Tree. It was only about an hour and a half away, so it went quickly and we got there plenty early to start drinking before going out. Captain Kung Fu had a terrible, slobbish roommate who we spent the weekend avoiding. The dude seriously sat in the room watching TV all day and all night. So, we went down the hall to this other guy’s room who was really cool.

He also happened to be the typical freshman, who couldn’t handle his beer. That didn’t even slow him down, though. For that, if you’re reading this, I respect you.

So, we start the night doing some shots and drinking beers in between. The guy whose room we were drinking in went to Taco Bell before going out for the night. When he got back, we were drunker than when he left and I had almost been raped!

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