EJSIC’s Rocket to the Sun 2010

It’s that time of year again.

The leaves have all turned.  There’s a crisp coolness in the air.  The premature sounds of a random Christmas song or two are already permeating our collective brains.  College basketball has started.

And, it’s time to launch some more jack socks into oblivion.

As with last year’s inaugural EJSIC rocket, the guidelines remain the same.  If society at large is done with them.  If they have long outlived their actual or perceived welcome.  If they are just generally douche bags who are beyond salvation.  Simply surprise them with the gift that keeps on giving…a ticket on a theoretical rocket that is launched directly into the sun.

1. Kate Gosselin – After years of waiting standby only to get bumped at the last minute, Ms. Gosselin’s ticket is finally punched.  Not only will her presence on the rocket benefit most of humanity, but I’m pretty sure her 500 kids will be better off without her constant fame-mugging as well. (ht: Jose Kortez)

2. Brett Favre – My sincerest apologies for not having the old gray tool on an earlier trip.  Perhaps we all could have been spared the omnipresent media coverage and..um…unwanted personal details had I acted sooner.  Forgive me.

3. Justin Bieber - The kid is a punk.  He has terrible hair.  He sings like a howler monkey.  And, in 6 years, he’ll be dead from an overdose anyway.  So, I’m doing him a favor, really.

4. Christine O’Donnell – That was way too close, Delaware.  Let’s make sure this never happens again, okay?

5. The Wonder Pets – I recently had a child.  If my son is to grow up in a loving and nurturing environment and become a man that contributes great things to this world…the Wonder Pets simply cannot exist.  Technically, I know there are 3 of them, but they are small and won’t take up much room.  And when they start singing 2 seconds into the flight, the other passengers will more than likely pick them off one at a time anyway.

6. Kobe Bryant - Alright.  You’ve proved your point.  Now retire…or vaporize.  Either one.

7. Charlie Sheen – Honestly, I have nothing against Charlie.  I like Charlie.  His seat on this rocket has nothing to do with his personal antics.  But, it DOES have everything to do with the fact that his extinction is apparently the only thing that will get Two and a Half Men off the air once and for all.

That’s my rocket for 2010.  As always, dear readers, let me know who would go on yours.

Suns vs Lakers – Game 1 Preview

I, admittedly, dropped the ball yesterday in not previewing game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals in which the Celtics held on to beat the Magic. I vow to not let that happen again (or so I hope).

Without further ado, let’s begin looking at the Western Conference Finals which starts tonight.

The top-seeded Los Angeles Lakers are hosting the Phoenix Suns. LA is also looking to advance to its third straight NBA Finals appearance. Phoenix, on the other hand, is searching for a way to get veteran PG Steve Nash a ring before it is too late.

Team Leaders

Los Angeles Lakers

Points – Bryant 26.9

Rebounds – Gasol 13.1

Assists – Bryant 4.9

Phoenix Suns

Points – Richardson 21.9

Rebounds – Stoudemire 7.0

Assists – Nash 9.0

Both teams have experienced a long lay-off after dismantling their second round opponents. The extended rest has had good and bad consequences. For both teams, it has allowed superstar players to get needed recovery from the bumps and bruises of playoff basketball. It has also diminished momentum, which can be tough to recover. However, both teams are comprised of veteran players so the break seems to hold more positives than negatives.

The Lakers are favored in the series, but to immediately count out the Suns after their bounce-back season would be shortsighted. However, I’m picking a Laker victory in game 1. The home crowd will help the rested Lakers to victory.

Vic “The Brick” Jacobs: Most Annoying Person in Sports

If you ever find yourself listening to Fox Sports Radio in the afternoon, you’ll probably be subjected to the most irritating voice your ears have ever heard. As he introduces himself for the quick sports update segment at the break, you’ll hear the horrifically annoying catchphrase: “Vic ‘The Brick’ Jacobs… feelin’ you!”

I’ll be honest. I didn’t know who Jacobs was until fairly recently when my local sports talk station became a Fox affiliate. After hearing him once or twice on the already-annoying-enough-because-everyone-talks-at-the-same-time-like-Hannity-and-Colmes Chris Myers show, and actually becoming overtly angry by how irritating he was, I had to find out more. After a quick Google search, I see that he’s some sort of legendary Lakers homer (from Queens…typical) who somehow backed into a radio gig in La La Land. Then he lost said gig when his radio station lost its Lakers affiliation…or something like that. Then it appears Fox Sports threw him a bone because they want to outdo ESPN in the talentless talent department. Either that, or focus groups have determined that listeners now want their sports commentary peppered with faux-Buddhist enlightened hipster bullshit.

I don’t care if I’ve missed a detail or two of Jacobs’ bio here. The point is that he sucks, and that’s all that matters. His voice makes me want to drive a railroad spike into my frontal lobe. Unfortunately, I’m much too much of a wuss to actually follow through. And I have no idea where to get railroad spikes, anyway.

And isn’t radio all about the voice? Imagine Janice from “Friends” with a pair of testicles. That will get you in the ball-park of how ear-rapingly awful this man’s voice is. But that doesn’t take into account what a raging idiot homer he is. It’s bad enough just hearing his voice, even if what he says happens to make sense. But just listen to him wax poetic about Kobe Bryant being a samurai warrior and try not to vomit.

Perhaps this is the best way to sum it up: Jacobs makes Dick Vitale sound like Walter Cronkite. There shouldn’t be a place in the world for that.