My fellow Americans, as I reported to you last month, I have been selected by President Obama to serve as our nation’s first Sports Czar. I wanted to take a few moments to give you a brief update on the progress I have made since accepting the position.
Near the end of September, I moved into my new office and operations command center, complete with 4 HD flat-screens that help me keep a finger on the pulse of Sports at all times. During my first day on the job, I began to put together a more formal agenda for the changes and enhancements I seek to make in the world of Sports. Then came the first Town Hall meetings. So far we’ve held two.
The first meeting was in Cleveland, where we met with several hundred distraught citizens. My team of support specialists talked to these poor souls for nearly six hours. Were they concerned about high employment, deplorable weather, and overall municipal stench? No. The two “kitchen table” issues for Clevelanders were Indians GM Mark Shapiro and the then-still-interesting Browns quarterback controversy.
Ronald Montgomery of Strongsville, Ohio said “Look, when you haven’t worked since 2007 and you’re in foreclosure, you need your sports teams to pull you through it. We have the [expletive] Indians and Browns. Tell me again what reason I have to live?”
When one of our interns mentioned “LeBron James”, Mr. Montgomery briefly smiled, then frowned and sunk into his chair again. “He’ll be gone in a year. Then what?” We had no answer.
It became immediately obvious to me that this job is going to be more challenging than I ever imagined. But I’m committed to this cause, and I will see it through to the very end.
After we assisted Mr. Montgomery with his suicide, we traveled to South Bend, Indiana for our next event.
In South Bend, the citizens were perhaps more affluent, but no less weathered by their local Sports environment. Elaine Trotter is a retired librarian we met at our Town Hall meeting. Ms. Trotter told us that if “Charlie Weis and his FUPA can’t get us to a BCS game this year, we’re going to need Federal assistance.” We explained to Ms. Trotter that Federal bailout money is not yet expected to be a part of this program. Her response? “Go [expletive] yourself, then.” She then proceeded to help herself to our coffee and doughnuts.
We have upcoming Town Hall forums scheduled in Oakland, Champaign, St. Barts, and Tallahassee. We hope you will come out and support our efforts. Your volunteerism is encouraged, and your donations are appreciated. After all, the fanhood you save might be your own.
I’d like to close this update with an excerpt from a letter I received from a man named Milton Stuckey. Mr. Stuckey is a huge college football fan, and his letter shows us why my position is so important to the survival of Sport in our fine nation. He writes:
“I am so happy that President Obama has appointed a Sports Czar. This is the kind of forward thinking this country has been lacking for decades, and I hope you will do great things. The first thing you need to work on is the BCS. How we can call ourselves the world’s lone super power while utilizing an archaic, quasi-Fascist championship selection process is beyond me. If you and Obama can get us a college football playoff, I guarantee a landslide election in 2012 that would make Reagan-Mondale look like Super Bowl XXV. Please get this done. The futures of our children depend on the work you are doing. God bless you all.”
We won’t let you down, Milton. We are finally one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Special Envoy for the Refocus and Restoration of American Sporting Supremacy (SERRASS)