I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 30

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
So, I have been caught fooling around or having sex with a lot of girls. A lot. Certainly more times than I’ve been arrested or had run ins with the cops. And I really can’t express how much I enjoy a good awkward encounter, so much so that I may even subconsciously have sex in places where I’m likely to get caught. Other times, if the choice comes down to having sex in front of someone or not having sex at all, I’m going to have sex and the other person in the room can either choose to watch or choose to leave.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

In the summer after my junior year of college, Bones took an internship in New Jersey. At this point in my life, I was sure that the worst part of the United States was New Jersey. This is why being experienced is a good thing. Because later in my life I would find Albuquerque and realize that New Jersey is still America’s anus, but Albuquerque is like a festering, smelly pustule that America should see a doctor about.

Anyway, Bones called me and Evil Twin to let us know that their internship was over and they were throwing a huge party to say goodbye to the friends they had made during the summer. So, it was going to be the interns and all of their friends. Evil Twin and I knew that while NJ was a long freaking drive, there was no way we were missing this party. I’m not a planner, I just do things and hope they work out. But for this trip we planned everything out so it would run as smoothly as possible. It was going to be one very long day on the road to get from our school to the Jersey shore.

We decided we’d need enough gas money to get there and back, money for a campground or something, and we should bring two cases of beer just to be sure there was enough. And we were both pretty much broke, so this was going to be financially painful – we had to take a few days off of work, spend money we didn’t have, and all in the name of drinking with a friend we drank with at least once a week back at school.

So why go? Because simply changing scenes and doing the same thing almost always leads to an awesome night. I don’t know what it is – whether it’s being slightly less comfortable than normal so you’re “on” more or if people you meet view you as “fresh meat.” Who knows, but I will virtually never pass up the chance to go to a party with friends in a place we’ve never hung out before because I know the chances of hooking up go through the roof.

It just dawned on me, the reason my success rate skyrockets is because these new, unsuspecting bumpkins have no idea of what I am capable. [Explicit and/or Suggestive Language Ahead. Stop HERE if you're under 18 or easily offended. By reading farther, you consent that you are over 18.]

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To: Shred Torn, Re: your lack of knowledge of your home state

Is one of these Massengill Award winners actually Shred Torn?

Is one of these Massengill Award winners actually Shred Torn?

Shred, I appreciate your love of your home state. It’s worth noting that I have lived all over this country and chose West Virginia as the place I wanted to settle. Whereas, you grew up in the filthy swill of Jerseytown and then opted to move to the city, joining the legions of people who will go to extremes to live there instead of New Jersey. While I’m also not a fan of New York City, I can certainly appreciate how the city would be better than Jersey.

I’d also like to address your unfounded claims about “To Catch a Predator.” First, almost no research was required to discover that “To Catch a Predator” was first filmed in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And, in the history of that show, only one West Virginian has been arrested. He was an art teacher from West Virginia and an embarrassment to our great state. As horrible as that is, there was actually, not one, but two episodes of that show based in New Jersey because there were so many pedophiles in that Eurotrash, disease-breeder of a state that one hour wasn’t enough. Twenty eight people were arrested in New Jersey. But, I will grant you that New Jersey has the 11th largest population of any state, making it somewhat understandable that statistically speaking, it might take several shows to capture all of their predators. Maybe more shame is owned by the sad state of Kentucky, who has seen 29 people arrested on that show.

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To Jose, Re: Your Misleading Post About New Jersey

Jose, you ignoramus, as the lone New Jersey representative involved with this blog, I must respond to this garbage:
Jose Kortez – “Interesting Facts About New Jersey

Number 1) A list of shows taking place about West Virginia:
—–ummmm…. not sure of any particular show, but I know it was the inspiration for “To Catch a Predator”

Number 2) Why would you mislead us with the post title when you didn’t have ANY interesting facts? Did you know that New Jersey is the nation’s largest producer of eggplant? Next time you eat your eggplant parmigiana, say ten Hail New Jersey’s.

Here are some other interesting facts about New Jersey, from Wikilicious:
New Jersey is the birthplace of modern inventions such as: FM radio, the motion picture camera, the lithium battery, the light bulb, transistors, and the electric train. Other New Jersey creations include: the drive-in movie, the cultivated blueberry, cranberry sauce, the postcard, the boardwalk, the zipper, the phonograph, saltwater taffy, the dirigible, the seedless watermelon, the first use of a submarine in warfare, and the ice cream cone.

New Jersey has a long history of important contributions to this great country of ours. George Washington surprised the Redcoats on Christmas Day in 1776, defeating them at Trenton, and inspiring one of the most famous paintings in American history:

Even G-Wash knows that Jersey is idyllic

So in the end, fuck you, I’m going to get a fake spray tan and hit the gym to wail on my pecs with this fury you have caused in me…

Interesting facts about New Jersey

This is one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  The fact that she's married tells me all I need to know.

This is one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. The fact that she's married tells me all I need to know.

Recently a child exclaimed to me, “Jose, New Jersey puts out the best high scool basketball players every year. If a college doesn’t recruit New Jersey kids, that college won’t be nationally relevant.”

This was a profound statement. In my experiences in life, I’ve come to know New Jersey as the anus of America. Could it be that I’ve been wrong all along and college basketball, my favorite sport, would cease to exist without New Jersey? The same New Jersey that is responsible for The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Jersey Shore. I’m not actually trying to denigrate the state with that statement, those are just the two best TV shows about New Jersey.

So, with the help of some friends I looked around a little. The last UNC basketball player who was on a basketball scholarship from New Jersey was Matt Doherty in 1984. Kentucky has had two basketball scholarships given to New Jersey athletes in the past 65 years, and no New Jersey athletes on any of their 7 National Championship teams. Kansas and UCLA don’t regularly recruit New Jersey. The only school that does is Duke, obviously to appease their students. They aren’t called the University of New Jersey at Durham for nothing. And Duke has had success, don’t get me wrong. But none of the 4 most elite programs in the country rely on much contribution at all from New Jersey players.

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