I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 6

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Having survived high school and, improbably, matriculated to college, I was prepared to take my game to a whole new level. My game wasn’t really about learning. It was more about drinking and picking up women. The second I set foot on South Carolina’s campus, it was beautifully clear that women wouldn’t be an issue. That left beer to worry about. I was pleased to learn about Five Points shortly after unpacking.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

For those who haven’t been to Five Points before, it’s a collection of bars and restaurants in Columbia, SC. And it’s within easy walking distance of USC.

As I’ve pointed out, I was able to make myself appear to be any age on paper, but I still looked like a little kid to anyone with sense. Bartenders don’t get tips for being sensible, so, with my ID, I got in essentially everywhere. The bad news here is that the cops were also well aware of this and raided bars pretty frequently, especially the ones that were more popular with freshmen.

On this particular Thursday night, I had gone out with about 6 friends of mine from the dorms. We had hit a few dive bars and then settled on this one bar that was easy for everyone to get into. A lot of our decision was based on the clientele, which was made up primarily of young women between 17 and 19 years old.

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1,001 Things Not to Do: Party Fouls

My name is not important. I’m a regular guy, like you and the people that you know. Only with two big exceptions. 1) I possess more ruggedly handsome features than you and 2) Although I’m a generally intelligent person, I tend not to put a lot of thought into my actions, which inevitably leads to getting myself into some pretty weird and sometimes frightening situations. Join me on my journey, where I take you through my misadventures as a guide of 1,001 things not to do.

It’s your typical lazy early Saturday afternoon and I’m doing what most college guys are doing. I’m relaxing on my couch, sitting back, and watching some college football, nursing a hangover with a case of cheap beer. Well, “hangover” may not be an accurate description, as most kids at that age are constantly alternating between a state of “hung over”, “drunk”, “wasted”, and then “hung over” all over again, and you’re never really fully immersed in any one state.

So, I’m hanging out in my room, flipping through the channels on my television, and the UNC/NC State game captures my attention for a bit. My friend Kyle stops by. We shoot the shit for a bit and he makes a suggestion that we should head to Chapel Hill, since it looks like UNC’s about to beat NC State and there might be some celebration parties around campus that night as it’s somewhat of a rivalry. I think it over and it adds up. Chapel Hill’s my home town, it’s about an hour drive, there are flocks of attractive women in that town, and we have plenty of places to crash at for the night. We round up a couple of others and we head out. Chapel Hill, here we come.

The other two guys that tag along are the Nicks, as in they’re both named Nick. I had met them through Kyle, who introduced them to me as “Nick” and “b-Nick”, because naturally one is black and that was his quick fix way of differentiating them. “b-Nick” is not particularly fond of this nickname, which is pronounced “Nick”, just with a slight “b” sound preceding it, but it stuck anyways. Despite the fact that he’s a block of muscle, being a former division one point guard, standing around 5’9 and 210 pounds, and he could rearrange any of our faces if he so pleased, he allowed us to call him that. He’s a good spirited guy, nothing but nice, and we’re happy to have him with us. The other Nick is a smooth talker Jersey kid who spoke as soft and reassuring as the game that he spat to the ladies. He doesn’t look or act like a kid from the shit-hole that is New Jersey, but he does wear a hat either sideways or backwards most of the time to keep in touch with his roots, despite the fact that he’s equally as likeable as b-Nick. We all get in Kyle’s SUV and we’re off.

I decide that now’s a good time to check my bank account and withdraw some cash to see how much damage I can afford in Chapel Hill. We stop by an ATM on the way to the interstate and I get out of the car, waiting behind a very large man who stands at least 6’6. I step up to the ATM, enter my code, and withdraw a pathetically meager amount of money from my shriveled checking account when I hear from behind me “Hey!…..Don’t you know to never stand behind somebody at an ATM?” I turn around and it’s the aforementioned very heavily muscular, tall man that was before me in line. His car’s running and he’s in the passenger seat as his driver appears to have stopped the car momentarily just so his friend could talk some shit to me from the passenger seat. Pffft, I pay him hardly any attention, as I give him an unimpressed sneer, turning back around to grab my fifty dollars from the machine. I had quit the track team last year and I’m now a man of somewhat impressive stature who had been kickboxing for the last year or so….I can handle my shit. I’m a former D-1 athlete in the prime of his life….I can handle myself, right?

Wrong.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 20

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
As my college career ended, I was nearly alone in my celebration. You see, between the transfer and a semester I spent doing an internship, I took 5 years to graduate. The rest of my friends from high school and friends that started college when I did had already graduated. I had some friends during my senior year of college, but they were either younger kids on campus or some of my friends from college who stuck around and got jobs near school.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I spent a lot of my senior year studying and working to make enough money to pay the bills. In my free time, I would either go to parties and try to pick up freshmen girls or go out with people from work. But, when I graduated, I saw an opportunity to get all of my real friends together. The people who I had spent the last 9 years hanging out with to some degree or another.

My friend, “Male Model,” was arguably more of a whore than I was and he also took 5 years to graduate, so we decided we’d throw ourselves a big ass party and invite everyone we knew. We even made it formal. Not in dress, but we mailed real invitations instead of just something over the internet. We rented out the pool that we both used to work at. This is the same pool where the DEA showed up 6 years earlier. The pool that gave me the confidence to sleep with girls who were way out of my league, and now the pool that was going to host a party of nearly 500 people.

All of the guests were 21, so we did this by the book. I contacted the police and let them know we were having a party. We rented the pool and assured them we’d clean up. Though the party was before the pool opened for the summer, so we didn’t have to have it clean before the place opened in the morning. We sent out invitations to pretty much every one of our friends and some of their parents. We cut a grassy area back to allow for camping. We had it all set up.

The day of the party, Male Model and his friend from college, Erin (they weren’t dating, I swear), met me up there around noon to start getting things set up. The party was due to start at 6 and we were having a pig roast and a load of kegs. We all had different tasks we had to complete and once we had everything bought, we tapped the kegs (we had 3 tapped at a time) and were drinking and setting up.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 4

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
After my run in with the law in Spain, there’s no question I should have learned a lesson. So, how things would later play out is baffling. The next time I ran into the police, I was a senior in high school.

OK, here’s the situation. My parents went away on a week’s vacation. And instead of going out, I decided to throw a big ass party for pretty much anyone that wanted to show up.

As a kid, I was an entrepreneur. I guess I still am. But as a kid, it was already apparent to anyone who knew me. Now, when you throw a big ass party, you run the risk of things getting out of hand quickly.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Arguably, the best and worst thing going for me in high school was that I was popular and a ton of my friends were dangerous people. These are people that are fantastic to have in your corner. Amazingly, they’re still great friends of mine and they’ve actually done quite well for themselves. The media will never do stories about people who behave poorly growing up and then turn into successful adults. It doesn’t help their agenda. But in high school, some of my friends were in these two gangs that got along pretty well.

So, while I’ll talk about some of my party throwing experiences in future chapters, this one deserves special mention. I had been making some money on the side in high school by selling IDs. The program Tree’s cousin had given me. Typically, people wanted to be 21, though some idiot kids just wanted to be 18. So, the sweet thing was that I could provide beer for the party. And, by running the party like a bar, I could sell beers or make people that brought their own beer pay for admission, ensuring that I’d make money off of every person who showed up. And, to make sure people played by the rules, I had my toughest friends come for free as the bouncers.

Now, this idea isn’t new. The Rolling Stones tried it with the Hell’s Angels. It’s effective bartering of a unique skill set. In my case, it didn’t end in disaster.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 17

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I have told you before, I drank a lot in high school and college. They were great times full of fun and adventure. And just as importantly, I was safe about it. I never drank and drove. Well, I did once in high school but not after that. And that actually makes for a humorous side story before I even start telling this next of my wild experiences.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

In high school, after drinking far too much one Saturday night, my friends dropped me off back at my parents’ house, but insisted that I sleep in my car because I had gotten too drunk to allow to enter my house – even if through the basement just to sleep on the couch. I would have made too much noise.

So, I guess I climbed in my car to go to sleep, but being ridiculously drunk, decided I’d go for a ride. My friends were worried, so they followed me to make sure I didn’t get in trouble. Apparently I ended up parked sideways in some lady’s driveway, then after doing like an 80 point turn, managed to drive down to the community pool, where I accidentally parked my car against the fence to the pool, stuck on a hill with a 50 degree incline. I wasn’t moving anymore, so my friends left me there to sleep. I woke up in the morning, with my car in a really bad spot and the pool opening in an hour. So, I put it in drive (it was an automatic) and got behind it to push it off the fence and up the hill. That worked, and the car caught the flat ground and drove squarely into a tree. But the good news is I was able to get out of the pool area before anyone found me. I got home and went to bed on the couch – just as I should have the night before.

But with that experience came a valuable lesson. Never drink and drive. And I never did. If people could rely on me for just one thing, that was it. My friends, not so much.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 7

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
20 years and 11 months into my existence, life was good. I was single, which is how I like things. I was living in the mid-west, which is really underrated (as long as you’re on a college campus surrounded by people your own age in a town over 20,000). I was making straight A’s, and I lived two blocks from this bar that I spent 6 nights a week at. It was fantastic.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

So, on my 21st birthday, it only made sense for me and a bunch of friends to head to my home away from home and drink like I was turning 21. We got there early, because I was smart enough to realize you need to pace 21 shots if you want to live through the night.

I put my first shots back around 4 in the afternoon. I was off to a good start, drinking shots I liked. My friends were taking it easy on me. Nobody had bought me double shots. Nobody had bought me anything I didn’t like. And they were giving me some time in between shots.

When you think about it, it’s rare to see someone drink 21 shots in a day. Most people fall way short. By 9pm, having blacked out, I am told everyone was excited because I was downing my 12th shot and with 5 hours to closing, was on easy pace to get to 21.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 3

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I’m sure you racists are all thinking that I’ve been nabbed a bunch by border patrol or something, but that’s only actually happened twice – on the same night. But I’ve got a fairly wild past and I guess it’s inevitable that I’d have a few run ins with the law. So many, in fact, that I’ll be spending a few weeks recounting them all.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

As with other stories, I’ll give these to you chronologically. Unlike other categories like rape, there are a lot of arrest stories and frankly, I don’t remember them all. That’s not to say they aren’t all spectacular. Just that sometimes with the help of alcohol, things merge together and you eventually forget them. Then you talk to a sane friend and they remember all of the events in detail and are shocked you don’t. That’s my life. Anyway, I’ll present these chronologically, but if I add another one in 5 months, well – my bad.

So, I was a terrific child. Seriously, the kind of kid that a parent dreams about having. I took all advanced courses. Other parents raved about how I was so well behaved. Then something changed. I suspect hormones. You see, I went from having no interest in girls, to only caring about myself and one of the greatest pleasures I could give myself was the company of an attractive young lady.

So, I never had any trouble – no detentions, no parent teacher meetings, not even a B- on a report card. Seriously, there was concern and tears if I got anything less than an A. And much like the ‘Simpson gene,’ right about when I hit puberty, things started to change. By the time I was 16, my first story begins.

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