Tag Archives: poor decisions

I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 44

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I am full of tragic mistakes. I’ve lived the better part of my life making some of the worst decisions known to man. I’m pretty much recording the highlights here. But the great thing about being young and stupid is that I’m not done creating new stories. It’s fun recounting the dumb shit I did in high school and college and grad school and the states I’ve lived in since then, but sometimes it’s also fun to recount the unbelievable situations I’m getting myself into this minute.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

I live in a sparsely populated neighborhood adjacent to the vineyard I work at. There are a few other houses near the vineyard, but I’m the only one that lives and works there. But the people I’ve met there are really great. I get along with them and likewise, they get along with me. We’ll hang out on the weekends and typically drink more than adults should, but what the hell, we live at a vineyard.

As I’ve met more people in the neighborhood, there are some that I’ve become good friends with and some that seem to like the fact that they live far from people and don’t want to get to know me. The few friends I have in the neighborhood, I hang out with on occasion, either having bonfires, going to concerts, or just getting together for drinks from time to time.

About a year ago, I met this girl, The Neighbor, who is a few years younger than me who lives about 5 houses and a half a mile from my house. She was next door and I ran in to her while she was outside. Introductions were made and that was it. I had been dating a girl for about 2 years at the time who we’ll call The Genius. And The Neighbor had a boyfriend of maybe 2 and a half years. She was smoking hot, but then so was my girlfriend, so there wasn’t much to think about. But I’d see her from time to time and we’d talk more and more, getting to know each other better. Somehow, every time I ran into her, my girlfriend and her boyfriend were both doing something else, so we always ended up talking one on one.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 48

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I love stories about The King. Some of his antics are just off the wall. And growing up, we’d hang out a lot. This was one of those times. It was during college and we were home for winter break. We had celebrated Christmas and were making plans for New Years. My Captain Kung Fu’s mom had a beach house and she had told him he could go out there for New Years. So, we loaded up a keg and headed off on a road trip for New Year’s Eve at the beach.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.


When we arrived, the house was awesome. It was plenty big enough for a bunch of us to party there and then crash in beds and on couches. And there was a lake in the backyard so we could hang out and have a nice view. There were a few other houses around the lake and some of those also had people celebrating New Years. Kung Fu’s mom’s house had good chunk of property, so the houses were fairly well spaced out. While sound travels well across water, it wasn’t too loud and the other people could hear us making noise, but that was about it.

Kung Fu gathered everyone around when we got there while we were still sober and announced there was only one rule. Nobody in the house was allowed to go across the lake and steal the giant, illuminated Santa. We had all been joking about it, but we were there to drink, so this was a moot point. More importantly, everything else was ok. Sex in any room was fine. No drugs were off limits. You could smoke anywhere you wanted. All beer and liquor bottles were communal and we had all chipped in for the keg.

So, an awesome night was underway. In fact, this was the first of a number of New Year’s beach parties in a row that were all noteworthy for various reasons. I will tell stories about them all. So, we all got to drinking. Most of us started out at this one table playing speed quarters. We were going through remarkable amounts of beer. I won’t even try to tell you all of the people at the table, but there was me, The King, and about 8 other people – both guys and girls. Now, New Years is a time when everyone should try to get laid. And that was my goal.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 17

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I have told you before, I drank a lot in high school and college. They were great times full of fun and adventure. And just as importantly, I was safe about it. I never drank and drove. Well, I did once in high school but not after that. And that actually makes for a humorous side story before I even start telling this next of my wild experiences.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

In high school, after drinking far too much one Saturday night, my friends dropped me off back at my parents’ house, but insisted that I sleep in my car because I had gotten too drunk to allow to enter my house – even if through the basement just to sleep on the couch. I would have made too much noise.

So, I guess I climbed in my car to go to sleep, but being ridiculously drunk, decided I’d go for a ride. My friends were worried, so they followed me to make sure I didn’t get in trouble. Apparently I ended up parked sideways in some lady’s driveway, then after doing like an 80 point turn, managed to drive down to the community pool, where I accidentally parked my car against the fence to the pool, stuck on a hill with a 50 degree incline. I wasn’t moving anymore, so my friends left me there to sleep. I woke up in the morning, with my car in a really bad spot and the pool opening in an hour. So, I put it in drive (it was an automatic) and got behind it to push it off the fence and up the hill. That worked, and the car caught the flat ground and drove squarely into a tree. But the good news is I was able to get out of the pool area before anyone found me. I got home and went to bed on the couch – just as I should have the night before.

But with that experience came a valuable lesson. Never drink and drive. And I never did. If people could rely on me for just one thing, that was it. My friends, not so much.

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