Flop’s Five Things

What's missing from this comic? Absolutely nothing.

After some consternation, I’ve decided that Flop’s Five Things will be featured weekly instead of nightly. I know I promised I would tuck you all in every night, but the limits of the space time continuum have gotten in the way. Maybe someday… Until then, here are the Five Things I learned this week.

  1. First off, I learned that Elin Nordgren is either the most innocently naive woman on the planet or she’s just not paying attention. In her interview with People magazine, the blond beauty claims to have had no idea that Tiger was cheating on her. When you consider the fact that El Tigre was basically banging anything with a pulse for about 5 years, including dirty ginger Perkins waitresses, that’s kind of baffling.
  2. I found out that Jay Mariotti is as big of a douche in real life as he is in print, as the ESPN and AOL Fanhouse personality was arrested for physically assaulting his girlfriend in a hotel lobby. While I obviously can’t say that I’m happy that a woman was abused, the fact that I’ll likely no longer have to see Mariotti’s bloated mackerel face on Around the Horn does bring a gentle wind of peace to my zen garden.
  3. This week I learned that the Reds are here to stay, if for no other reason than the Cardinals have managed to be even more inept over the past two weeks. Still, with a 4 game lead in the Central with a little over a month left in the regular season, it’s a great time to be a Reds fan. As history has shown us, if you can just get to the playoffs there’s a good chance that you can make it to the World Series in the mediocre National League. It could happen…
  4. I also learned that 2 fails can cancel each other out. I’m guessing that one of them would have failed a little harder if he’d been driving a car instead of riding a bike, though.
  5. Finally, I learned that Garfield may actually be more interesting if you take Garfield out of the comic. Poor John Arbuckle. Will he ever be at peace?

I wish you all a short and non-productive Friday and a long, even less productive weekend. See you on Monday.

Flop’s Five Things

I wonder if it's OK to wear one of these to a Razorback press conference.

Welcome to Flop’s Five Things. Please leave your Gator hat at home.

  1. Today we learned that he who shall remain nameless will actually play for the Vikings next season. In true douchebag fashion, the nameless one spun it as a favor he “owed” the team and that this would be his absolute last season. Right… See you in Dallas in 2011, Salt-N-Pepa.
  2. Today I noticed that my beloved Cincinnati Reds were 2.5 games up (as of 11:37pm EST) in the NL Central race over the Cardinals. Considering I had basically given up on them following the literal and figurative thumping they took from the Cardinals a week ago, this was a welcomed surprise. Has the annual epic collapse been delayed to make it more painful or will the Red Legs manage to return to the playoffs for the first time in my adult life? Only time will tell.
  3. Today I learned that Razorback reporter Renee Gork was fired for tweeting out her love for the Florida Gators, not just for wearing a Gator hat to a press conference. While I understand the need to appease your audience, I think requiring the media covering your local team to be fans of that team is an inadvisable position to be in. As much as I think Jerry Tipton is overly negative in his coverage of UK, it is comforting to know that at least one prominent reporter is operating independent of his fandom. If reporters can’t be unbiased, then they’re no better than we filthy, blogging Philistines.
  4. Today TMZ informed me that Speidi is about to be spliced, as the second most annoying pair in the world (the first being Skip Bayless’ arms) has decided to get divorced. Here’s hoping that Heidi lands on her feet (or whatever synthetic substance she’s walking on now) and that neither of them stop following us on Twitter.
  5. Finally, today I learned that the Foo Fighters are working on a new album for 2011. This is great news for Foo Fans as we can never really have our fill of the Foo.

So… there’s that. See you all bright and early in the morning.