‘Twas the Night Before Krzyzmas

‘Twas the night before Krzyzmas, (though we didn’t know that)
And not a creature was stirring, not even a rat.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

But with its little old driver so angry and gay,
I knew in a moment it must be Coach K.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he shouted and cursed them, and called them by name!

“Now Wojo! Now, Singler! now, Redick and Curry!
On, Paulus! On, Shavlik! Melchionni, please hurry!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now flop away! Flop away! Flop away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of douchebags, and their Leader too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the ceiling
Their prancing and pawing and loud girlish squealing
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Coach K came in with a bound.

He was dressed like a pallbearer, from his head to his feet,
And his haircut was tidy, his dark suit was neat
A sack full of cheese he had flung on his back,
Likely Gouda, Romano, and Monterey Jack

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples had merit!
His cheeks were like roses, His nose like a ferret!
His smug little mouth was drawn up and droll,
And the hair on his head was dyed blacker than coal.

He was sickly and gaunt, a right creepy old elf,
And I gasped when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A snarl of his lip and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to worry I had something to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And took all our presents, the rotten old jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Blew out a big wad of snot on my clothes!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as they sang “Hark the Herald”,
“Remember the real victim in all this is Gerald!”

I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 48

I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I love stories about The King. Some of his antics are just off the wall. And growing up, we’d hang out a lot. This was one of those times. It was during college and we were home for winter break. We had celebrated Christmas and were making plans for New Years. My Captain Kung Fu’s mom had a beach house and she had told him he could go out there for New Years. So, we loaded up a keg and headed off on a road trip for New Year’s Eve at the beach.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.


When we arrived, the house was awesome. It was plenty big enough for a bunch of us to party there and then crash in beds and on couches. And there was a lake in the backyard so we could hang out and have a nice view. There were a few other houses around the lake and some of those also had people celebrating New Years. Kung Fu’s mom’s house had good chunk of property, so the houses were fairly well spaced out. While sound travels well across water, it wasn’t too loud and the other people could hear us making noise, but that was about it.

Kung Fu gathered everyone around when we got there while we were still sober and announced there was only one rule. Nobody in the house was allowed to go across the lake and steal the giant, illuminated Santa. We had all been joking about it, but we were there to drink, so this was a moot point. More importantly, everything else was ok. Sex in any room was fine. No drugs were off limits. You could smoke anywhere you wanted. All beer and liquor bottles were communal and we had all chipped in for the keg.

So, an awesome night was underway. In fact, this was the first of a number of New Year’s beach parties in a row that were all noteworthy for various reasons. I will tell stories about them all. So, we all got to drinking. Most of us started out at this one table playing speed quarters. We were going through remarkable amounts of beer. I won’t even try to tell you all of the people at the table, but there was me, The King, and about 8 other people – both guys and girls. Now, New Years is a time when everyone should try to get laid. And that was my goal.

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