2011 EJSIC Fall Television Dead Pool

This is one of my very favorite times of the year. Not only do beloved shows return from summer-long hiatuses…hiati(?)…breaks, but, most importantly, network execs give turning buckets of crap into gold one more shot.

Welcome to the 2011 Fall Television Dead Pool

A staggering, if not unsurprising, 74% of last year’s new network shows never made it to that “sure, go ahead and start production on Season 2″ threshold.  Hell, most of them didn’t even make it to that “keep craft services around for another couple of weeks, just in case” point in the life of a TV show.  So, what did the horribleness of last year’s crop of shows teach those brilliant minds who greenlight projects?  As you are about to find out, not much.

I’ve done some research this year that will hopefully eliminate the recurring problem of picking, say, a Love Bites to be the first show canceled only to have it air as a late season replacement (where it was promptly canceled) long after the first shows are laid to rest, thus voiding whoever picked it’s chances of winning the pool.  Unfortunately, that means that none of us get to pick, what could easily be the worst show in recent memory, ABC’s Work It…which isn’t scheduled to ruin humanity until midseason.  For these same reasons, Apartment 23, Scandal, The River, The Finder, Once Upon A Time,  I Hate My Teenage Daughter, Napoleon Dynamite (!?), Alcatraz and Good Christian Bitches Belles are also not included in the poola.  Likewise, the good folks at FOX tend to hold off on some show debuts until October/early November.  So, bear that in mind when choosing.  But, fear not, there are still plenty of “good” picks to choose from. Continue reading

Drama!

Damn you, media!!!!!

Damn you, media!!!!!

The PGA has become like a 6th grade girl’s slumber party in the last two weeks. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he’s like the hot chick who just hit her awkward phase. And the American media, as tit-less and homely as the nastiest middle schooler, is all too eager to tear him down. It’s the American way. This is why, rather than working hard to become successful, about half of the workforce is happy doing nothing but shopping on the internet and tearing down those that are capable. And why would those adults act any differntly? It’s all they learned by growing up in this country.

So, while life for Tiger had been all pillow fights and aloofness with the media, now it’s something more. It’s a struggle to remain the Alpha golfer while everyone else is quick to rip into him. They’re lining up like that scene in Airplane! to slap him down in some attempt to become his equal once again.

Everyone from the Florida Police Department to TMZ is looking to get their licks in. It doesn’t even make sense. The dude had a freaking car accident. Yeah, the stories that leaked out were weird, but is that Tiger’s fault or is that on the media? And with every story the media reported, each as inaccurate as the last, Americans started thinking of this event as more and more scandalous. And every American loves a good scandal. So, now this soap opera, that for the most part has been fabricated by the media to benefit the media, is being discussed in literally every walk of life.

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Sneak Preview: Sean Salisbury's ESPN Tell-All

As you may know by now, our friends at Deadspin reported that Sean Salisbury is planning to write an expose about ESPN.  We can only hope that his editors remind him that “ur” is not a word.

The EJSIC has obtained a few of the anecdotes that are going into his tell-all book. Prepare to be shocked. (The editors suggest reading the following sections with Mozilla Firefox’s SalisburyText-Translator applet turned on.)

So without further ado, please enjoy these tasty morsels of what’s to come:

Stuart Scott’s Right Eye is Actually the Good One

We know. Our jaws hit the floor too. Salisbury claims that the misinformation surrounding Scott’s eye has been nothing short of incredible.

“Ur not gonna believe it but the eye that ppl think is the lazy one is actually the good one. The 4-letter is afraid of ppl knowing the truth about it”

Mark May and Colin Cowherd

Salisbury reveals a pretty hilarious story about a fight between ESPN anchors Mark May and Colin Cowherd.

“U know I went to USC so one day we were talking about USC and May said he loved USC the most. Cowherd gets all pissed off and says something like ‘ur not even from the West Coast, u dork. Nobody loves USC like I do. And Pete Carroll and I are way tighter than you and him are.’ Next thing I know May has Colin in a headlock, just beating his brains in. And of course I don’t step in, ‘coz, I mean, who wants to see Colin Cowherd not get his brains beat in?”

Dick Vitale Hates Duke

This one made us wonder if our source was jerking our chain. But after reading Salisbury’s comments, it makes perverse sense.

“…Dude, Vitale hates Coach K and Duke. But he’s a genius, he figured that if he talked about them nonstop for 20 years ppl would start hating them, pretty smart…”

We’re not convinced that Dick Vitale is that smart or that evil, but if it’s true…wow.  Consider us stunned and intrigued.

Kenny Mayne Is Not Really an ESPN Employee

“Honestly dude, Mayne just showed up one day and was kinda funny so they put him on camera. U know how bad the talent was after Olbermann and Kilborn left, and then Patrick was suddenly too good for Sportscenter. The suits were desperate. Its also how Van Pelt eventually got a job. But they don’t even pay Kenny. They just give him some beers now and then. But he’s a good dude.”

“It Wasn’t My Jimmy”

In the book, Salisbury finally admits that he did show cell phone penis pictures to a female colleague, which resulted in his firing. But Salisbury drops this bombshell:

“Dude it wasn’t my Jimmy. It was a stunt dick. U think I’m gonna show the Salisbury Steak to some chick I’m trying to nail right away? No way. I showed her someone else’s. A real big one. I mean, those cell phone screens are small, so I wanted to fill it up, impress her. U know how it goes. They can’t fire me for showing pix of somebody else’s dick. My lawyer said so.”

Suzy Kolber and Joe Namath: The Real Story

Everyone remembers Namath’s awkward unwanted sexual advances toward Kolber.  Except Salisbury claims “unwanted” isn’t even close to accurate.

“Oh man, if ppl only knew. Namath came off in the media like a horny, creepy drunk guy. But what ppl don’t know is that like 10 minutes later Joe was plowing Suzy back in one of the vans. Joe’s awesome. He didn’t even care about that story. He told me once: ‘Don’t worry about what people say about u as long ur gettin’ ur bone smooched.’ He’s an American hero.”

John Clayton: Ass Magnet?

Perhaps the most stunning revelation we found yet was this one:

“Dude, nobody pulls trim like John Clayton. I don’t know how he does it, but he gets tail anywhere, anytime. I’ve seen Herbstreit BEG Clayton for tips on getting poon. But Clayton just smiles and says ‘There’s nothing to it. They want it or they don’t’, which of course just pisses us all off. Dude’s a machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. You want to have fun? Go to Hooters with Clayton one night. But make sure u drive so u don’t get stranded when he ditches u to go home with a couple of sluts.”