As you may know by now, our friends at Deadspin reported that Sean Salisbury is planning to write an expose about ESPN. We can only hope that his editors remind him that “ur” is not a word.
The EJSIC has obtained a few of the anecdotes that are going into his tell-all book. Prepare to be shocked. (The editors suggest reading the following sections with Mozilla Firefox’s SalisburyText-Translator applet turned on.)
So without further ado, please enjoy these tasty morsels of what’s to come:
Stuart Scott’s Right Eye is Actually the Good One
We know. Our jaws hit the floor too. Salisbury claims that the misinformation surrounding Scott’s eye has been nothing short of incredible.
“Ur not gonna believe it but the eye that ppl think is the lazy one is actually the good one. The 4-letter is afraid of ppl knowing the truth about it”
Mark May and Colin Cowherd
Salisbury reveals a pretty hilarious story about a fight between ESPN anchors Mark May and Colin Cowherd.
“U know I went to USC so one day we were talking about USC and May said he loved USC the most. Cowherd gets all pissed off and says something like ‘ur not even from the West Coast, u dork. Nobody loves USC like I do. And Pete Carroll and I are way tighter than you and him are.’ Next thing I know May has Colin in a headlock, just beating his brains in. And of course I don’t step in, ‘coz, I mean, who wants to see Colin Cowherd not get his brains beat in?”
Dick Vitale Hates Duke
This one made us wonder if our source was jerking our chain. But after reading Salisbury’s comments, it makes perverse sense.
“…Dude, Vitale hates Coach K and Duke. But he’s a genius, he figured that if he talked about them nonstop for 20 years ppl would start hating them, pretty smart…”
We’re not convinced that Dick Vitale is that smart or that evil, but if it’s true…wow. Consider us stunned and intrigued.
Kenny Mayne Is Not Really an ESPN Employee
“Honestly dude, Mayne just showed up one day and was kinda funny so they put him on camera. U know how bad the talent was after Olbermann and Kilborn left, and then Patrick was suddenly too good for Sportscenter. The suits were desperate. Its also how Van Pelt eventually got a job. But they don’t even pay Kenny. They just give him some beers now and then. But he’s a good dude.”
“It Wasn’t My Jimmy”
In the book, Salisbury finally admits that he did show cell phone penis pictures to a female colleague, which resulted in his firing. But Salisbury drops this bombshell:
“Dude it wasn’t my Jimmy. It was a stunt dick. U think I’m gonna show the Salisbury Steak to some chick I’m trying to nail right away? No way. I showed her someone else’s. A real big one. I mean, those cell phone screens are small, so I wanted to fill it up, impress her. U know how it goes. They can’t fire me for showing pix of somebody else’s dick. My lawyer said so.”
Suzy Kolber and Joe Namath: The Real Story
Everyone remembers Namath’s awkward unwanted sexual advances toward Kolber. Except Salisbury claims “unwanted” isn’t even close to accurate.
“Oh man, if ppl only knew. Namath came off in the media like a horny, creepy drunk guy. But what ppl don’t know is that like 10 minutes later Joe was plowing Suzy back in one of the vans. Joe’s awesome. He didn’t even care about that story. He told me once: ‘Don’t worry about what people say about u as long ur gettin’ ur bone smooched.’ He’s an American hero.”
John Clayton: Ass Magnet?
Perhaps the most stunning revelation we found yet was this one:
“Dude, nobody pulls trim like John Clayton. I don’t know how he does it, but he gets tail anywhere, anytime. I’ve seen Herbstreit BEG Clayton for tips on getting poon. But Clayton just smiles and says ‘There’s nothing to it. They want it or they don’t’, which of course just pisses us all off. Dude’s a machine. I’ve never seen anything like it. You want to have fun? Go to Hooters with Clayton one night. But make sure u drive so u don’t get stranded when he ditches u to go home with a couple of sluts.”