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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 43

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
While living in Michigan, there is a window of about 2 or 2 and a half months of decent weather. During this time, the poor saps who are in undergrad go home for summer break, missing the only redeeming qualities of the UP. And the faculty and grad students who remain in town (and the thousands of FIBs who flock northwards) try to find any and every excuse to spend time outside.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

First, in case you don’t know, a FIB is the way Yoopers (a person from the UP) refer to folks from Illinois. Fucking Illinois Bastards come up during the summer, changing the population from 5,000 to 15,000 and thinking that their money should buy them everything they want because we’re all just poor people living in a place they want to visit. They’re everything that is wrong with America and it took only a summer to realize that everything about Illinois is worse than being vomited on.

Now, during the summers, we’d organize different sporting events. The biggest deal was softball. It was co-ed. There was alcohol involved. We had free access to the three baseball fields during the college offseason. And the different departments could compete against each other to prove who was the most athletic.

The problem was that there weren’t many biology grad students. In fact, at the time, there were 5 guys and 3 girls. And to field a team, you needed 9 players (10 could play at a time, but you couldn’t even play if you were more than a person short), at least half had to be girls. So, we needed at least one more girl and since summer was field season for biologists, you could count on half of the players missing any given game. So, we decided it would be ok to use our interns/technicians. This roped in a few more guys and most importantly, got us to 5 girls.

One of the new girls that started playing for us was pretty hot. We’ll call her Softball Sue. And, being single at the time, I was kind of interested. And like I said, alcohol was not only involved at the game, but afterwards, both teams would go out drinking. So, I talked her up the first time we were out after a game and was really into her. And she was sending vibes that let me know it was ok. But before anything happened, Doc dragged me out of the place and we went to another bar for a talk.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 65

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
When I was in high school and college, I spent a lot of my time fishing at the beach. Now, I still spend a lot of my time fishing, but after living around the Great Lakes in grad school, then in Idaho and West Virginia, I spend a lot more time on rivers. But I still love fishing at the beach in the fall/winter. Monster striped bass and huge 15 to 20 pounds bluefish. Just awesome to witness.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

At the time, I couldn’t have guessed, but as a senior in college, I was looking at the last time we’d get down there for a fishing trip for about 5 years. I had Fridays off that semester, so I left after my last class on Thursday and drove down there. My father, who works as hard as any Hispanic on Earth worked that Friday and then came down to the beach trying to arrive around dawn on Saturday, setting us up for full days of fishing on Saturday and Sunday. So, I called The King to see if he had any interest in the trip since he was living in North Carolina at the time. Sure enough, he liked the idea and drove out to meet me on Thursday night.

We fished on Friday but didn’t have any luck. We also drove around to some bait and tackle shops, getting the poles in good shape, new line, bait, etc. That way, we’d be ready to hit the beach early on Saturday. The reports along the Outer Banks weren’t really good – a few sporadic fish caught, but it was really slow. The King and I decided to quit early, go in, and get warmed up. Once we were comfortable and showered, we decided we should go get some dinner.

Now, we have a hotel room reserved for the weekend and my dad is coming down to meet us at dawn, but that doesn’t mean we can’t grab a beer or two and still be ready to go fishing in the morning. So we head to the restaurant across the street that also has a bar – the Port O’Call’s. Some of you may be familiar with it.

Still being in college, we didn’t have a ton of money and decided the best move might be to drink some beers and see if we couldn’t suppress our hunger with alcohol.  Sure enough, about 4 beers in, we decided food was unnecessary and we’d just stay belly up to the bar.  We started getting pretty loaded and talking to everyone within ear shot.  There was a band playing and it was a pretty cool scene because it being the offseason, there weren’t a ton of people there and the ones who were there weren’t the incredibly douchy type that would be there in the summer.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 55

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
Shortly after moving to West Virginia, I had a few girls who were interested in the Kortez cock. They were all pretty hot and smart, so I had a decision to make. I don’t get into a relationship with a girl unless she meets those two criteria. There’s other stuff that matters too, like sense of humor, consideration, hygeine, etc. But anyway, it’s rare to find smart, hot women, but to find a bunch of them, interested in a guy who behaves like I do, was unprecedented. So, I tried to keep things pretty low key while I weighed the pros and cons of being with each of them. But while I was doing that, which took about 4 months, I was dating them all.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Not surprisingly, when I told them all about the others, it really didn’t go over well. And while all of them were pissed, somehow my infidelity early in the relationship wasn’t an immediate deal breaker. I assume it’s either because I’m that awesome or because the pot of available men shrinks considerably outside of college.

Now, one of the girls was actually a co-worker. Everyone says this is a bad idea and not to get involved with co-workers, blah, blah, blah. Well, I’m here to say that we still talk and get along fine despite me causing some tears along the way and most importantly, she gave me a few months of great sex before we broke up.

You see, she would drive out to my place, which is an easy half hour from the nearest town and was about an hour from her house. And when she’d get there, we’d usually party for a while before turning in. This was in the late summer/early fall so we’d have a bonfire and a few beers and then most importantly, we’d have great sex. But the sex wouldn’t happen until everyone had left the bonfire and gone home for the night.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 40

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
While I was in grad school, my life became much less social. I spent time with other biologists both in and out of class. I spent time doing research. I spent time in the library. I spent time writing my thesis. But I spent very little time trying to pick up women. And on the nights I would go out, I hadn’t drank in so long that I tended to get pretty messed up – and then go try to work my magic.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

It turns out, college girls aren’t all that impressed by a 24 year old drunk who can’t even slur out some tired pick up line. I don’t actually use “lines.” You know, licking your finger and wiping it on her shoulder and yours, followed by, “why don’t you and me get out of these wet clothes?” Or “The word of the day is legs, let’s get out of here and spread the word.” Or “Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call her when I met the girl of my dreams.” Or “Do your legs hurt? They should, because you’ve been running through my mind all day.” I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture. I’ve never used one of those…

But anyway, what I usually do is walk up to a girl I want to make out with and start talking to her. My best asset is certainly my looks, though I’m convinced I’m smoother than guys that rely completely on their looks. I’ll usually start with casual small talk. I try to gauge her interest level and ask appropriate questions. If she’s really skeptical of this stranger who just started talking to her, I’ll make a bunch of jokes to see if I can make her more comfortable and convince her I’m innocent. If she’s got that look like she wants it bad, I won’t joke with her too much, I’ll just get right to it with the flattery and blatant sex talk.

But, for the girl that I really want to hook up with, if she’s not sure, I’ve got to convince her that I’m safe and innocent. If she thinks scamming on girls is all I do, she won’t want to just be another notch. However, if she thinks you’re funny and thinks you think she’s special, well, then you could have an awkward silent walk back to her place (always her place) and still get it.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 26

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I spent 5 years in college because it really is a great time. So great that after college, I went to a new college for a Masters. And after some time in the real world, I went back to the Greatest Place on Earth for a PhD. God knows, the reason I love college so much is because of the hot, young tail.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions in the end.

I’m not even attractive, but girls between the ages of 18 and 22 are stupid. So stupid that they don’t realize that by sleeping with me, they are in no way setting themselves up to date me. They are, however, providing me with stories to later spread around the internet to encourage a younger, more capable generation of unattractive men to treat them with essentially no respect and do things with them that would make porn stars blush.

One of the things that happens when you put a group of blatantly immature men in close proximity with ignorantly immature women and no adult chaperones is terrible decisions. One of my favorite mainstays, and admittedly terrible decisions, from college was “taking a break.” I was constantly taking breaks from the girls I was dating, only to make up after a wild night.

When you decide you need a break, it’s usually planned and usually immediately before you know you’re going to do something that would get you in so much trouble it would ruin your relationship that currently affords you all the no-strings-attached sex you want. Well, round about sophomore year, I was on a break…

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I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 35

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
In college, life was good. By my senior year, I was working a bunch of jobs so I had some money to spend on things more important than underwear, but less important than books. So, one night, a good buddy of mine, Ike, decided we should make a trip about an hour north to this city. He was a DJ for a local radio station and had to work a bar. In exchange, they were getting free beer and a place to stay up there. I just had to pay gas and the cover, and I was able to drink on their tab and sleep in their hotel.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

That was an easy one, I decided I would go with him. So we headed up there, two bachelors in a big city. It had tons of potential. We got up there and set up at the bar. Happy hour was starting at 5 and then would run until 7. Then it was ladies night and they were expected to play a lot of dance music and have all kinds of contests because women like to feel like winners while making life-altering mistakes.

Happy hour started, and the beer started flowing. It was still early so we were hanging out with the bartenders and the waitresses. They were all smoking hot – much hotter than the average girl on campus. Ike and I were really working it. We both decided pretty quickly that the same waitress was the hottest and therefore, we’d have either a competition for her or one of us would have to back down. Neither of us backed down and he had to work, so I was left to freely talk to this chick. Sadly, it became clear that she could not have been less interested in me. So, it was on to the next girl.

At this point, I was pretty wasted – I think my problem with the waitress since she was bringing me beers and seeing my rate of intake – plus, what woman wouldn’t want this? The place had filled up. We were out on the deck where they had a beach that sometimes had a net for volleyball. Inside was packed, but people hadn’t come outside to dance yet. There was only a bachelorette party out there.

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I’ve Been Experienced: Table of Contents

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Bookmark it.

The Table of Contents is your portal to all stories Jose. I’ll continue to add to this list as I write more stories.

The Return of Greatness: The story of how a once embarrassing story line came to be and some new information about how it is revived.
Chapter 1: Evil Twin and I make our way from Denver to Laramie, Wyoming but stop in Boulder to get destructively drunk.
Chapter 2: I go to a party at a buddy’s house and I lost my mind on some acid.
Chapter 3: I take a trip to Spain, offend the locals, and end up staring Spanish prison in the face.
Chapter 4: I throw a party, get kicked out of it, crash at my buddy’s place with his parents permission, and suddenly, I’m waking up to a trigger happy cop and several felony counts.
Chapter 5: High school kids make bad decisions and I was no exception, but messing with the DEA and risking time in pound-you-in-the-ass prison is pretty much a low. Mind you, not a personal low.
Chapter 6: As a freshman in college, the police raided a bar I was drinking in while underage and the scene that ensued made me a minor celebrity on campus.
Chapter 7: I spend most of my 21st birthday at a dive bar flirting with a cougar but then I got out of hand and the police decided I wasn’t fit to go home. Ok, I did, but nonetheless, I didn’t go home.
Chapter 8: Irish and I drink far too much, but it’s not until morning when I found out how far over the line he went.
Chapter 9: My car broke down at the corner of Iowa, Nebraska, and Missouri when I was moving to Idaho to start my career working in the potato fields.
Chapter 10: I get surprised by a black bear on the Appalachian Trail. Unfortunately, I failed to notice her two cubs I had walked in front of until it was too late to get out of that situation.
Chapter 11: I take two girls out on a canoe to do some fishing and successfully lodge a hook in my thumb bone and have to cut it out with my deer knife. It may not be intuitive, but the scene that unfolded was hilarious.
Chapter 12: I take Evil Twin out to a bar in Idaho and after drinking our fill, he convinces me to misbehave in public in a manner that draws the ire of the police.
Chapter 13: Is it any surprise that when Evil Twin and I drive across the country on a brewery and National Park tour that we’d end up in Border Patrol custody….twice?
Chapter 14: Evil Twin and I shoot pool while pretending to be women’s tennis players to piss off some Michigan hockey players who were picking on our buddy.
Chapter 15: I took a second job in Idaho thinking I might have a new career, but instead I am forced into retirement.
Chapter 16: I poop my pants in El Prado Museum on a school tour. It seems Montezuma was on the wrong continent that day.
Chapter 17: Have you ever gotten so drunk that you did something out of character, like drive? And then wake up, assuming you wouldn’t do something like that only to call the cops and tell them about it? Yeah…
Chapter 18: I take the dogs jogging on a Saturday morning in California after a night of drinking, but I misjudge how badly I need to use the bathroom and end up with a mess on my hands…and back, and leg, etc.
Chapter 19: This is a solid lesson for kids in college not to mention a fond memory of some love in an elevator and a morning surprise.
Chapter 20: My college graduation party gets completely out of hand. Police, fire engines, near train wrecks, tow trucks, news crews, and intentionally destroying my cousin’s car.
Chapter 21: I’m fooling around with my high school girlfriend and her parents interrupt us. But no worries, I tell the secrets of going from naked to fully dressed in under 5 seconds.
Chapter 22: My buddies laugh at me while a giant girl takes advantage of me.
Chapter 23: I’m drinking after Homecoming in high school. I get a bad taste in my mouth and need some chewing gum. Then, I’m lured outside and raped.
Chapter 24: I’m pursued by a cougar through my buddy’s dorm complex. And the story involves a duck walk.
Chapter 25: I go to a party with Evil Twin where I play the wing man to perfection. Only he struck out and I got raped.
Chapter 26: Helen Hunt and I take a break just in time for me to sleep with Dirty without the guilty conscience. The next morning, Helen Hunt and I make up before I’ve had a chance to shower off the evidence.
Chapter 27: I dump Lovely Lisa and she goes and makes an incredible scene at my favorite watering hole.
Chapter 28: My worst break up ever, likely because I was living with her at the time. But I’m still young…
Chapter 29: I visit Helen Hunt at her mom’s place during a family reunion and we end up having sex on her deck in front of them.
Chapter 30: I backdoor some random Asian chick for 4 hours.
Chapter 31: The cervical biopsy incident.
Chapter 32: My folks bust me with two different girls in the same day.
Chapter 33: Is intercourse ever worth risking your life for? It may have been this time.
Chapter 34: The most awkward sexual experience of my life.
Chapter 35: I go to a bar with a DJ friend of mine for his gig and do a bride-to-be in a filthy, back alley bathroom. And people wonder why I refuse to believe in an afterlife.
Chapter 36: New Year’s Day bowl games on the West Coast. 8:00am start time? Hung over? At Hooters? You know what happens.
Chapter 37: I nearly drown when I pass out drunk at a bluegrass festival in the middle of the woods in Alaska.
Chapter 38: I stay over at this hot chick’s place for the first time and she invites her super hot friend to stay there with us. In the same bed!
Chapter 39: I take a girl to meet my family in NC and then a UNC basketball game. One problem, I need to poop myself on the walk home.
Chapter 40: The most horrible and disgusting story about a one night stand that needs to be told on the internet.
Chapter 41: I get busted selling LSD and apparently, the law frowns on that.
Chapter 42: Doc cock blocks me right as I’m leaving the bar with a girl.
Chapter 43: I ruin our softball season with a misguided relationship with one of my teammates.
Chapter 44: I get myself into a trailer trash skirmish in a battle for a hot chick at the vineyard.
Chapter 45: I get a ride home from an underage girl at a local bar and things get pretty wild.
Chapter 46: The night after that ride home, I met up with her again, but this time I made her cry.
Chapter 47: All-Star saves my life when a copperhead strikes at me deep in the woods on a fishing trip.
Chapter 48: The King and I break the only rule laid down at a New Year’s party. It’s a bad scene on the border of a naval base.
Chapter 49: I go mountain biking after eating a pizza and have some stomach issues. What comes out is so surprising, I needed to poke it with a stick.
Chapter 50: I survive a near-death experience on a flight over Lake Michigan.
Chapter 51: I take the awkwardness of a first date to an entirely new level.
Chapter 52: I turn Helen Hunt into a zombie.
Chapter 53: I dump an immature girl who had a strange view of her self worth.
Chapter 54: I head out looking for elk antlers with a friend and the dogs and end up in a scary run in with a bobcat.
Chapter 55: I date a co-worker amongst others and bring her back to my place to do everything but make an office baby.
Chapter 56: The King and I drop acid and then all hell breaks loose.
Chapter 57: I go to a wedding while my girlfriend goes on a girl’s weekend to the beach. It’s not surprising that we broke up, but how we broke up may have been.
Chapter 58: I learn a lesson in biology after a good anal fingerbanging.
Chapter 59: I stay over at Evil Twin’s parents’ house and disaster strikes in the middle of the night. Very embarrassing.
Chapter 60: What’s red and has 7 little dents in it?
Chapter 61: The tale of one Dirty Sanchez.
Chapter 62: A few games of beer pong get Evil Twin and I ousted from his own fraternity house.
Chapter 63: I get wasted on a private island and end up running around naked with a hippie chick and then destroying a golf cart in a series of drunk driving mishaps.
Chapter 64: Mormons and alcohol don’t mix.
Chapter 65: I meet a girl at a bar and take her back to the hotel room the day before my dad arrives.
Chapter 66:  A girl finally knocked me down a peg.
Chapter 67: I get an internship but there’s no alcohol allowed.  The next time I had a sip of beer, I broke some records.

I’ve Been Experienced: Chapter 31

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I Have Been Experienced, by Jose Kortez
Table of Contents
I don’t like blood. I’ve been this way since I was a kid. Blood is gross and belongs inside the human body. When it comes out of the body, it’s a problem. Even when it’s supposed to – like a period – it’s still a problem. I mean, not for me, but some girls have hang-ups about it and lots of guys are afraid of it. But I’m ok with blood that is supposed to happen. What I don’t like is when blood comes out unexpectedly, like cutting your finger off with a saw. I’m happy to report I have all of my fingers and most of my friends have all of theirs. In fact, the only person I know who is missing a finger lost it when a rope he was pulling on got wrapped around his thumb.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.

Women always seemed surprised by my actions even when they had heard from friends what would happen.


Anyhow, I go to great lengths to keep from injuring people so I don’t have to see their blood. Some might call this safety conscious. I think that’s a good trait. But this story is about a poor decision I make that leads to an unbelievable amount of blood.

Now, I was living in Idaho at the time. This is important because the people of Idaho, we’ll call them villagers or maybe savages, aren’t real bright. In many cases, people I knew in Idaho would ask my opinion and regardless of what poor advice I gave, they’d follow it blindly. I’m not sure if that was because we were friends and only a real asshole would give bad advice to a friend or if it was because they couldn’t discern the good advice from the bad advice. And worse, they couldn’t tell when advice I gave them would only benefit me. That was the case in this situation.

You see, I’d been dating this foxy redhead for a few months at this point. I met her when she was working at the local gym. She was in great shape. That’s the thing about redhead women. They’re either morbidly obese (or at least, unattractively fat) or stunningly hot. There is no middle ground. Even with sex, there are men and women and then some bizarre creature that is sort of both. But the redhead has no middle ground.

So, obviously in the backwoods of Idaho, surrounded by the unattractive, inbred, and unintelligent, this girl was a nice change of pace. She was only unintelligent. So, we began to date. Now, a little known fact about Idaho. There is a ton to do there – mountain biking, hiking, hunting, drinking, etc – but understandable reasons, the most popular activity was sex. People in the town I lived in would just sleep with everyone else. The community was close knit. And within a few hours of meeting this girl at the gym, we were having monkey sex back at her place (I seriously can’t stress enough that you ALWAYS go to her place the first few times until you know if you can trust her to not go crazy or stalk you).

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