News broke earlier today that famed golfer and sex-a-holic Tiger Woods was in a Mississippi sex rehab center. Woods has disappeared from the public since his Thanksgiving single-car accident. However, a lot of private information has since surfaced including his numerous transgressions.
EJSIC was able to confirm with an employee of the clinic that the world’s number one golfer had been admitted there. She, speaking on the basis of anonymity, also told us about helping a man who was once the most sought after spokesman in all of sports.
“He’s been great,” said the employee. “He doesn’t have this ‘holier than thou’ attitude just because he’s a billionaire. He’s been a real joy to work with. You can tell he’s a real master at his trade. He’s definitely a perfectionist.”
When asked to expand on the information, she giggled and said, “He’s such a tease. I can see why all of those girls went after him. Not only does he have the money to provide a lifetime of security, he also knows how to pleasure a gal.”
Confused, I asked her if she worked at a brothel rather than at a sex rehab clinic to which she angrily responded, “Look, these people have a disease. You can’t just take the sex away from them without repercussions. You remember when your mother breast fed you? She slowly took the nipple away a little more each day until you were weened. It’s the same way here. We give Tiger a little less ‘strange’ each day until he no longer feels the need to attack anything and everything that walks by. It just so happens that my job description requires me to perform multiple duties. That’s all I’ve got to say. Don’t bother calling back!”
The line buzzed dead and I was left even more confused. We here at EJSIC wish Tiger the best of luck in overcoming his war with extra-marital affairs. But at the same time, we are left wondering whether this particular clinic’s technique will turn the… I mean… do the trick.