From Al’s inbox: An important announcement

You swine! A vaccine is too late for Al.

You swine! A vaccine is too late for Al.

To my fans: I apologize for my long absence. It appears that I might have contracted the swine flu, since I was properly vaccinated against the other flu more than a month ago. But I’m back now and as witty as ever.

Today, in my inbox, amidst the usual offers for a better sex life, $6 million from Ethiopian princes (who knew there were so many?), and a reduced rate on the H1N1 Swine Flu vaccine (it’s a little too late for that),  I received the following important announcement:

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is coming October 23rd!!

October 23rd  is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:  Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don’t care about?  Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?  Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?  Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!  Here are the rules you must follow:

  • You can only slap one person per hour – no more.
  • You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
  • You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
  • No weapons are allowed…other than going upside somebody’s head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
  • If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping  on October 23rd….. and have a great slapping day!

Of course, the difficulty with this is that I’m a telecommuter who works from home and often, the people I want to slap, are hundreds of miles away. When I mentioned this to the guy who sent the e-mail, he responded with:  “Take that, you swine.”

And life comes full circle.

Better Late Than Never

The year was 1999.  Popular music was dying a painful and tedious death.  The Nirvanas and Pearl Jams from earlier in the decade were being systematically replaced by the Britney Spearses and ‘N Syncs of my nightmares.

So, one crisp, fall afternoon, I was listening to my favorite radio station at the time and they did the unthinkable.  They played “Larger Than Life” by the Backstreet Boys.  Now, for a little  context, I had just come down off of a particularly nasty manic episode and was, at that moment, full of Krispy Kreme donuts and Jack Daniels as was my standard meal in the fall of ’99.  My personal lament for the state of music reached it’s tipping point right there, with that playing of a terrible, terrible pop song on a station that I had respected for years.  So, I did the only thing any self-respecting audi0phile would have done in the same situation.

I begged God to kill the Backstreet Boys.

We struck a deal.  I would stop eating donuts by the pound, get a job and turn my life around…if God would grant me one, small favor in return.  The death of the death of pop music.

Well, I did my part.  And 10 years have passed and all 5 of those dinks are still alive.   I didn’t lash out at God.  I understand that he is busy and can’t acquiesce to every drunken deal made by a person at rock-bottom.  He doesn’t necessarily work that way.  And I don’t blame Him.  I just moved on.

But, this morning, I saw this.

That’s right!  Brian What’s-His-Name has “the Swine Flu.”

My first thought upon seeing this was, of course, “they still HAVE Hard Rock Cafés?”  But, my next thought was “OMG, He’s doing it!  He’s finally answering my prayer!”

So, thanks, God.  You work in mysterious ways and I’m sorry I ever doubted you.