For The Love of God, Can We Get Tiger Woods Some Strange?

Listen, I have a pretty good moral compass.  I was raised Southern Baptist.  I don’t illegally download music.  I don’t cheat on my taxes.  I’d never have an extramarital affair not involving Zooey Deschanel and/or Rachel McAdams.

What Tiger Woods did to his wife and family was reprehensible.  He deserves any and all punishment Elin and her lawyers give him.  He screwed up, royally.  Having said that, what he’s currently doing on the golf course is just as disgusting.  It’s obvious he’s lost his mojo.  We shouldn’t be surprised.

We’ve seen this throughout history.  Samson cut his hair, and lost his strength.  Popeye ran out of spinach, and became nearly as scrawny as Olive Oyl.  Tiger Woods goes to sex rehab, and his golf game goes to hell.

We need to get this guy laid.  And fast.

Now, you might be thinking I’m an insensitive prick.  But I prefer to call myself a realist.  His marriage is over.  Why bother trying to “straighten up and fly right” at this point?  Besides, if Elin is really taking $700 million out of his pocket, he needs to start winning some cash.

So, if you’re a slutty (white) waitress or a (white) porn starlet, or just a (white) girl with a tight (white) caboose and loose morals, get in touch with Tiger ASAP.  Ask not what the game of golf can do for you, but who you can do for the game of golf.

(The answer’s Tiger Woods, you dumb skank.)

In regards to Tiger Woods and his language

Can somebody explain to me why people feel the need to criticize Tiger Woods for his mouth? He is a grown man playing in a highly competitive event after a five month lay-off. Who here doesn’t let one of Carlin’s seven words fly after an errant tee shot?
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Can CBS and Jim Nantz, or any of the other networks, complain when they dress the tee box with extra microphones? Seriously, they want to bring the experience to the fan, yet they don’t want to offend anybody. Sports take place in the heat of the moment, to borrow an old cliche, and no one can expect any athlete to behave differently.

Sure, some are able to keep their emotions under control. Phil Mickelson, who also has a large following, kept his mouth clean throughout the weekend. But, it is unreasonable to have the same expectations of two different people.

And before anybody tells me, I know Tiger said he would be showing more respect for the game as well as keeping his emotions under control, but can we really believe that? Of course not. He said it for the PR move, not for sincerity, and I’m not even going to bash Tiger for that. I could care less.

I don’t see and hear sport commentators griping when a dugout mic picks up the errant F-word in baseball. Better yet, why don’t we wire every lineman in football, both offense and defense, and hear what goes on at the bottom of the pile? Or does that ruin the sanctity of the game as well?

Luke Warm Linkage

How about another one, Lord.  Just for old-times sake?

Ben Folds takes a shot at this Chatroulette thing.

Unfaithful Spouses Rejoice

If America learned anything from the Tiger Woods fiasco, hopefully it is to be faithful to your significant other. But in case you can’t keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed, do it the right way and don’t get caught with the help of one of the iPhone’s newest apps, Tiger Text.
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The app allows users to control the text messages they send so that late night text about the great drunken sex can be deleted before it gets back to your husband or wife. The app doesn’t help with voicemails (which was a horrible idea in the first place, Tiger), but text messaging is the way of today.

The creators of the app claim that it is not named for the world’s number one golfer. Instead, it is meant as a metaphor to cover your prowling tracks. Whatever it’s really named for, use it when necessary. Ain’t technology great, America?

Are You Addicted to Sex?

Your friends here at the EJSIC care about your mental and physical health.  After all, without readers, this site will likely never turn a profit.

To that end, we have unveiled our quick, easy, and free Sex Addiction Self-Test Kit.  Take this test and determine whether you might need to head to Mississippi before your better half splits your face open with a nine-iron shows enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal.

Hint:  click on the image for a better view.  (Especially if you’re nearly blind from…well, you know.)

EJSIC Sex Addiction Self-Test

Luke Warm Linkage

Yes, that’s Boots the Monkey throwing rabies infested poo. He’s keeping it real.


Ballon Bass And Box Jam – Watch more Funny Videos

Tiger Woods is my Roommate

My new roomate at Pine Grove

So, I’ve written about some of my personal stories before and, while I was hoping to keep it quiet, I did not expect this. I had checked in to Pine Grove willingly trying to get a handle on my sex life. I’ve been hurt at work before, often for sleeping with my boss’ daughter, and once for hitting on her. I took up vineyard management because it keeps me around other Hispanic men and reduces the risks of my sex addiction flaring up. Even then, I’ve resorted to seeking sexual gratification from local nightclubs. Finally, I acknowledged my problem and checked in to Pine Grove.

As I sat on my bed, trying to come to terms with my feelings, in walks Tiger Woods. I obviously knew who he was immediately. I also suspect he knew who I was, but I introduced myself just the same. He was very nice and also experiencing a wide range of emotions. We spoke for a while and then it was time to go to our first gathering on the first day of treatment.

In our conversation, I did learn that Tiger is taking this very seriously. He isn’t trying to win Elin back. That’s a common misconception by ESPN. But that ship has sailed. He’s worried about future financial scares. Women throw themselves at him in ways common people couldn’t imagine (I suspect the nurse was even hitting on him – you should have seen how she smiled at him). Eventually, he’s worried he’ll make a mistake and get sued by some money grubber. I totally understand where he’s coming from. I often try to land wealthy women just to sue them.

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Tiger Woods in sex rehab

News broke earlier today that famed golfer and sex-a-holic Tiger Woods was in a Mississippi sex rehab center. Woods has disappeared from the public since his Thanksgiving single-car accident. However, a lot of private information has since surfaced including his numerous transgressions.

EJSIC was able to confirm with an employee of the clinic that the world’s number one golfer had been admitted there. She, speaking on the basis of anonymity, also told us about helping a man who was once the most sought after spokesman in all of sports.
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“He’s been great,” said the employee. “He doesn’t have this ‘holier than thou’ attitude just because he’s a billionaire. He’s been a real joy to work with. You can tell he’s a real master at his trade. He’s definitely a perfectionist.”

When asked to expand on the information, she giggled and said, “He’s such a tease. I can see why all of those girls went after him. Not only does he have the money to provide a lifetime of security, he also knows how to pleasure a gal.”

Confused, I asked her if she worked at a brothel rather than at a sex rehab clinic to which she angrily responded, “Look, these people have a disease. You can’t just take the sex away from them without repercussions. You remember when your mother breast fed you? She slowly took the nipple away a little more each day until you were weened. It’s the same way here. We give Tiger a little less ‘strange’ each day until he no longer feels the need to attack anything and everything that walks by. It just so happens that my job description requires me to perform multiple duties. That’s all I’ve got to say. Don’t bother calling back!”

The line buzzed dead and I was left even more confused. We here at EJSIC wish Tiger the best of luck in overcoming his war with extra-marital affairs. But at the same time, we are left wondering whether this particular clinic’s technique will turn the… I mean… do the trick.