It’s a new year and, unless you’ve already managed to ruin it in less than 14 hours, that means a clean slate. Rather than post my own resolutions (P90X be merciful), I thought it might be fun to post resolutions for some of my favorite sports personalities of 2009. Let’s hope 2010 is kinder to them all.
Tiger Woods - 2009 was a rough year for the big cat. He saw his super-model wife and his sponsors hit the road, as skank after skank came forward to confess of their flings and collect their paychecks. My resolution for Tiger? Try NOT to have sex with more whores than you can fit in a Buick LaCrosse in 2010. All things in moderation, Eldrick.
Steve Phillips - 2009 was likely a year to forget for our pal Steve. The Silver Fox lost his marriage and his job at ESPN, when a pudgy, mannish PA began harassing his wife over their alleged affair. My resolution for Steve? No matter how charming he may seem, DO NOT have sex with Danny DeVito in 2010. It’s not worth it.
Mark Mangino – Despite also bringing the Jayhawks an Orange Bowl Trophy in 2009, the Man-Sized Mangina was relieved of his duties as head football coach at Kansas after stories of player mistreatment surfaced in Lawrence. I’m guessing he tried to eat them, but I’m not sure. My resolution for Mark? Try NOT to die of heart failure in 2010. I would also suggest the occasional “salad for 10 racks of ribs” substitution in your meal plan. It may help with your overall resolution.
Mike Leach – The living sound byte that is Mike Leach had an up and down year in 2009. He led the Red Raiders to an 11-2 record, a top 10 ranking and a loss to Ole Miss in the Cotton bowl to start the year. This won him a new contract and status as a hot commodity in the coaching world. 2009, however, ended a lot differently than it started, as Leach was fired this week after allegations of locking one of his players (Craig James’ offspring no less) in an equipment closet. My resolution for Mike? Get the Hell out of Texas. Nothing good happens there.
John Calipari – You can’t really say that 2009 was a bad year for Cal. Despite having his second Final Four vacated, he managed to become the highest paid coach in college basketball at Kentucky, while also signing and shepherding a Top 3 team into the new year. The media and message boards will tell you a different story, however, as Calipari is now under more intense scrutiny than ever. My resolution for Cal? Avoid vacating a Final Four and the Internet in 2010. Just a suggestion…
So, there you have it. Good luck and may 2010 be benevolent to you all.
Did I miss anybody? Let us know your Sports Figure Resolutions for 2010 in the comments section.