New Year’s Resolutions

It’s a new year and, unless you’ve already managed to ruin it in less than 14 hours, that means a clean slate. Rather than post my own resolutions (P90X be merciful), I thought it might be fun to post resolutions for some of my favorite sports personalities of 2009. Let’s hope 2010 is kinder to them all.

No, Tiger. The trunk doesn't count.

Tiger Woods - 2009 was a rough year for the big cat. He saw his super-model wife and his sponsors hit the road, as skank after skank came forward to confess of their flings and collect their paychecks. My resolution for Tiger? Try NOT to have sex with more whores than you can fit in a Buick LaCrosse in 2010. All things in moderation, Eldrick.

Try to resist, Steve.

Steve Phillips - 2009 was likely a year to forget for our pal Steve. The Silver Fox lost his marriage and his job at ESPN, when a pudgy, mannish PA began harassing his wife over their alleged affair. My resolution for Steve? No matter how charming he may seem, DO NOT have sex with Danny DeVito in 2010. It’s not worth it.

Just because it wasn't a real orange doesn't mean Mark didn't eat it.

Mark Mangino – Despite also bringing the Jayhawks an Orange Bowl Trophy in 2009, the Man-Sized Mangina was relieved of his duties as head football coach at Kansas after stories of player mistreatment surfaced in Lawrence. I’m guessing he tried to eat them, but I’m not sure. My resolution for Mark? Try NOT to die of heart failure in 2010. I would also suggest the occasional “salad for 10 racks of ribs” substitution in your meal plan. It may help with your overall resolution.

I'm guessing they let him keep the chair.

Mike Leach – The living sound byte that is Mike Leach had an up and down year in 2009. He led the Red Raiders to an 11-2 record, a top 10 ranking and a loss to Ole Miss in the Cotton bowl to start the year. This won him a new contract and status as a hot commodity in the coaching world. 2009, however, ended a lot differently than it started, as Leach was fired this week after allegations of locking one of his players (Craig James’ offspring no less) in an equipment closet. My resolution for Mike? Get the Hell out of Texas. Nothing good happens there.

Stay away, John. It's for your own good.

John Calipari – You can’t really say that 2009 was a bad year for Cal. Despite having his second Final Four vacated, he managed to become the highest paid coach in college basketball at Kentucky, while also signing and shepherding a Top 3 team into the new year. The media and message boards will tell you a different story, however, as Calipari is now under more intense scrutiny than ever. My resolution for Cal? Avoid vacating a Final Four and the Internet in 2010. Just a suggestion…

So, there you have it. Good luck and may 2010 be benevolent to you all.

Did I miss anybody? Let us know your Sports Figure Resolutions for 2010 in the comments section.

Tom Rinaldi reaches out to Elin Nordegren

ESPN golf reporter Tom Rinaldi has reportedly reached out to the disgruntled wife of superstar Tiger Woods as his list of mistresses continues to grow if not by the day, then by the hour at the very least. Elin Nordegren left the couple’s house amidst the scandal which is when Rinaldi decided to get involved.

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Tiger Woods with wife Elin Nordegren

Speaking to us via a hotel telephone in an undisclosed Florida city, Rinaldi had the following to say of his actions: “I just told Elin to keep her head up. She’s not the only one Tiger has cheated on. There’s other people out there she can talk to who love her and can help.”

Before any other information could be discerned, muffled voices were heard in the background until Rinaldi returned to the conversation with: “Okay, where was I?”

EJSIC asked the reporter who else Tiger had cheated on since his earlier statement seemed to convey inside information. “I think back a couple years ago when Tiger said he would grant an exclusive interview with one reporter. Everyone in the business was vying for the opportunity. Tiger told me I had the inside track and then he gave the interview with the lifeless Jim Gray. I was heartbroken.”

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At this point, more background noise occurred for which Rinaldi apologized before adding this final statement: “I’ll just say, I know exactly what Elin is going through right now which makes me and her… umm, which is why I reached out to her. I have to report on SportsCenter soon so this interview is over.” Before EJSIC could thank Mr. Rinaldi for his time, the line clicked dead.

Drama!

Damn you, media!!!!!

Damn you, media!!!!!

The PGA has become like a 6th grade girl’s slumber party in the last two weeks. Unfortunately for Tiger Woods, he’s like the hot chick who just hit her awkward phase. And the American media, as tit-less and homely as the nastiest middle schooler, is all too eager to tear him down. It’s the American way. This is why, rather than working hard to become successful, about half of the workforce is happy doing nothing but shopping on the internet and tearing down those that are capable. And why would those adults act any differntly? It’s all they learned by growing up in this country.

So, while life for Tiger had been all pillow fights and aloofness with the media, now it’s something more. It’s a struggle to remain the Alpha golfer while everyone else is quick to rip into him. They’re lining up like that scene in Airplane! to slap him down in some attempt to become his equal once again.

Everyone from the Florida Police Department to TMZ is looking to get their licks in. It doesn’t even make sense. The dude had a freaking car accident. Yeah, the stories that leaked out were weird, but is that Tiger’s fault or is that on the media? And with every story the media reported, each as inaccurate as the last, Americans started thinking of this event as more and more scandalous. And every American loves a good scandal. So, now this soap opera, that for the most part has been fabricated by the media to benefit the media, is being discussed in literally every walk of life.

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What Tiger was thinking during his transgressions

nullIn case you’re still in a post-Thanksgiving, sports-overloaded stupor and haven’t heard about Tiger Woods’ personal failures, wake up. It all began with a crazy, early-morning wreck outside his home and rumors of Tiger prowling the night with other women. Now, the world’s number one golfer has admitted to “transgressions” in a statement issued at his website.

Instead of trying to figure out why Tiger did the things he did, I’d rather try to imagine what Tiger was most likely thinking while committing his transgressions.

A. “Get that damn camera, Steve!”

B. “I’ve held plenty of trophies before, but never one like this.”

C. “I’m off the cart path, but not out of bounds.”

D. “Remember Phil at Winged Foot, go for the hole.”

E. “This is the best sand bunker I ever laid up in.”

F. “If I sink this footer, I end the day with a 69.”

G. “F*ck, I can’t get my wood straight.”

H. “I never liked pitching out of the rough and sex is no different.”

Have a favorite from the eight choices above? If so, tell us in the comments. Or, if you have your own suggestion, feel free to add it below. You never know, it may end up on an EJSIC officially licensed t-shirt.

Luke Warm Linkage

You know what's ridiculous? Those legs.

You know what's ridiculous? Those legs.

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Tiger Woods is Sport's First Billion Dollar Man

Tiger Woods and his Pile of Cash

As this article from Yahoo! Sports attests, Tiger Woods has now become the biggest athlete-earner in the history of sports. He has now rang up more than $1 Billion over his illustrious career.

Unreal.

The Dude plays golf… For a living…  And he’s made a billion dollars doing it. On top of that, he’s married to a Swedish model!

I mean, for crying out loud, there’s no way that’s fair. Is there anyone you’d rather trade lives with than Tiger Woods? Leave your suggestions below.